It's so strange to be In a new house/home. It just hit me now. Albeit I'm a bit tipsy from several vodka shots but as I came upstairs to my floor of the new house with left over apple pie clasped tightly in my hand with a heavy amount of whipped topping.
I stopped by the house I grew up in for no other than purpose than to see if my law and order svu season 13 was still there. It was strange. I had spent my entire life in that house. And all that was left was the debris of a life that was left behind. I didn't and still haven't located my season 13 of law and order svu but it hit me. This is no longer your home. My former room lay bare and cold. Empty except the items I discarded and my betta fish, Falcore who didn't survive the move and memories. Memories everywhere. The first boy I had over. The first boyfriend who slept over. The 5 months I spent bed ridden from cancer, isolated in one spot, discarded and forgotten by so many.
I don't think I'd have a moment but I did. The pain, the pleasure, the good and the bad. It was all there before me. But I'm not sad. I didn't cry which even surprised myself because I can cry at the drop of a hat.
This new home feels right. And in many ways has helped with my healing process of the biological and mental terrorist that cancer was. That and the years of torment Clifton Park served. It was time to move on long ago.
Of course there are ghosts that will follow you no matter where you go. But they are lessened here. I'm not coming home to the room that turned into a cell of sorts.
My upcoming court case is of course weighing heavily on my mind and sole but not for my sake but the sake of my family. But even with that there are so many opportunities before me that there is tangible hope within reach.