Saturday, November 2, 2013

A work in progress

So target guy and I are allegedly going on a date. Do I foresee this as a long term relationship? No. I honestly don't. I'm an old 27 and he's a young 23. But stranger things have happened right?  
I'm not an ageist (I say this as I'm no longer mixing my vodka with anything but taking straight shots from the bottle with a dr.pepper chaser) but you can just tell. I'm an old 27 because of what I've been through. No I don't mean the same emotional turmoil everyone experiences.  I'm talking about my cancer and if you think I'm beating a dead horse go get that diagnosis and tell me how much is affected your entire life and everything else. 
He's a young 23 because he hasn't had to deal with anything yet. And I hope he never does. I hope he can live the samecare free existence I did until I was slapped with that cinder block of reality.
There's so much I miss about my life before my diagnosis. I miss smoking. I miss thinking I'm invincible and life is a neverending map. I miss not having my mind plagued with all the what ifs. 
But now the what ifs have turned into so what's. So what if it comes back? If it comes back I'll throw in the towel and do what I want to do. Smoke again. Smoke pot again and live life until life, the hour glass it is runs out and be happy.
My worst fear is that with target guy he won't be able to handle or understand what happened to me. As expierence has proven most can't. 
I'm also worried he won't care for SIRSY. Which will be a deal breaker. But it will be what it will be and maybe I'll have sex for the first time in 16 months. 
I'm always going to be a changing and sometimes evolving person. And some days that turns out great and some days it's a royal mess. But I'll know when I've found Prince Charming when he accepts and wants that. Cancer or not. Damage or not. Evolution or devolution or not. Perfect or imperfect. 

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