Saturday, November 30, 2013


It's so strange to be In a new house/home. It just hit me now. Albeit I'm a bit tipsy from several vodka shots but as I came upstairs to my floor of the new house with left over apple pie clasped tightly in my hand with a heavy amount of whipped topping. 
I stopped by the house I grew up in for no other than purpose than to see if my law and order svu season 13 was still there. It was strange. I had spent my entire life in that house. And all that was left was the debris of a life that was left behind. I didn't and still haven't located my season 13 of law and order svu but it hit me. This is no longer your home. My former room lay bare and cold. Empty except the items I discarded and my betta fish, Falcore who didn't survive the move and memories. Memories everywhere. The first boy I had over. The first boyfriend who slept over. The 5 months I spent bed ridden from cancer, isolated in one spot, discarded and forgotten by so many. 
I don't think I'd have a moment but I did. The pain, the pleasure,  the good and the bad. It was all there before me. But I'm not sad. I didn't cry which even surprised myself because I can cry at the drop of a hat. 
This new home feels right. And in many ways has helped with my healing process of the biological and mental terrorist that cancer was. That and the years of torment Clifton Park served. It was time to move on long ago. 
Of course there are ghosts that will follow you no matter where you go. But they are lessened here. I'm not coming home to the room that turned into a cell of sorts. 
My upcoming court case is of course weighing heavily on my mind and sole but not for my sake but the sake of my family. But even with that there are so many opportunities before me that there is tangible hope within reach. 

All I want for apparently nothing I actually want

I'm on the precipice of losing my job and starting another, I'm completely penniles, got screwed of by Ben son's pet center again for a position there because the manager was too lazy to look at my over qualified resume and the mere fact that I've shopped there since I was 4 (so much for supporting local businesses. I'm stopping that practice right now) and I'm amidst frantic shoppers surrounded by amazing deals that I can't partake in. It's quite depressing. 
I rread thought this would be the Christmas where I could finally get my family nice gifts and something nice for myself but alas once again I'll be the tool bag who can't get anyone anything. Maybe I'll be in the spirit after my court date and when my job decides if I'm being terminated or not. Until then consider me scrooge. 

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy thanksgiving or as like to call it the beginning of the end for the Native Americans

Happy Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it the beginning of the end for the Native Americans.
I'll be spending this Thanksgiving in our new home. I love it. I've never really cared for going out on Thanksgiving. Where ever we would go it would be crowded and I'd run into at least a baker's dozen of ignorant people who, although it's a holiday would still find ways to make fun of me or openly yell slurs in my direction.
My court date got postponed. It will be next Wednesday. I'd say this gives me another week to worry about it but I'm not worried anymore. It will be what it will be and my lawyer is confident it will be ex sponged.
That and besides the dreadful water testing company I've been working for I have 2 interviews for preschools and a pet store just in case my job decides to terminate me regardless of what the court says.
I WILL CLARIFY AGAIN I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY JOB for the mere fact that you never know who is going to read what you put out into the universe and I know my fair share of people who would twist whatever I say for their own personal gain or to just cause drama because it feeds their empty lives.
In aquarium news (which I'm pretty sure no one cares about! Lol! But I find it fascinating) I got 2 more African dwarf frogs to keep Gimli company. Unfortunately I can no longer tell which one is Gimli anymore because they're identical but they all seem much more content with more than one frog in the tank. I've also added a golden mystery snail which is the type of snail I had before when I had that godforsaken goldfish tank and they murdered him. His name was Saurmon so this snail will also be named Saurmon. The blue mystery snail is ridiculously content sitting in one spot and exceedingly boring but Saurmon is much more active.
I've finally made a new friend. We met by happenstance. I was leaving to go to one of the water testing job's functions and she happened to be getting out of her car at the same time. She introduced herself and I invited her over and she's just simply lovely. We have so much in common it's ridiculous.
The first time she came over we took turns playing vinyl and just talking. It was bliss.
I've been so wound up with the move and my job I may or may not get fired from because of how time consuming it is and it was just nice to let my hair down and finally open up to someone.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Monday, November 25, 2013

I go back to black

The day after tomorrow I face the first part of my fate. Who knows what the court will decide and if what they decide will have any effect on the decision of whether or not I get to keep my job.
Today I went to the new job I got just in case I do get fired and while I had fun at the training the job itself is impossible.
My income is completely dependant on making 10 house visits a week to test their water. If I don't test 10 people's houses in a week I get paid nothing. I'm going to continue with the training and hopefully I either won't get fired or I'll get hired at this daycare I applied to who wants to interview me December 8th. Or the pet store I applied to will hired me. It's only part time but it's better than not knowing if you're going to make a paycheck each week.
I got Gandalf, my betta fish, some companions today. I got an aquatic mystery snail (why they call it a mystery snail I have no clue) and an African dwarf frog. I named the frog Gimli. Although I don't have much faith in his survival. Maybe he needs time to acclimate but I always get nervous when they won't eat. The snail, who remains nameless will have plenty to eat between the algae wafers I have and the algae that will accumulate in the tank.
I also had to get a new heater because the other heater I was using that was labeled "up to five gallons" really didn't seem to make the water warm. I returned two betta heaters I had, the afromentioned one and another one I had to get a really nice one where you set the temperature. It's set at 80 degrees and has finally reached that and Gandalf is quite peppy again.
When he first noticed the snail and Gimli it was hysterical. He just kept staring at them, would poke them and then stare at them again.
He certainly is the strangest betta I've ever had. He likes to go over to the filter and wrap himself around it and let it such on him. He also likes to lay on the fake plants.
I managed to a new friend and she lives across the street. I met her on my way to my new job today as I was getting into my car and she's coming over tomorrow. We both collect vinyl. I'm very excited to have someone over who I can share things with. I do hope we become close.
My faith may be wavering but I'm not beating myself up about it anymore. I did what I did. It's just the waiting that makes me feel like I'm going back to black.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Don't be insecure

It's another day but one day closer to my court day where my fate will be decided in more ways than one.
I know society expects someone who has done something unequivocally wrong to beat themselves up about it, to beg for forgiveness and commit other various acts of self loathing but I'm done with that portion of this experience.
I'm owning it and have owned it and there's nothing left to do but dust myself off and head in the right, well no, a better direction. No one can define "the right" path anymore than someone can define normal. It's all relative and completely subjective and no two people are working with the same variables.
I want to keep my job but yesterday I realized with a lot of help from a new book I've started reading, a place of yes by Bethenny Frankel, that I need to be realistic and start looking for a new job just in case. I am deserving of a job regardless of my actions.
I have a promising lead and probable interview for a local preschool and submitted an application to another local preschool establishment.
Today is my older brother's birthday and they're celebrating here and it will be awkward considering my current predicament but I'm coming from a place of yes and I'm not repenting anymore. 

Friday, November 22, 2013

Too much of nothing

Another day has gone bye and I feel more and more useless with each passing hour. I went on a job interview today and I got the job but we figured out it's probably a scam. Let me just clarify I'm only looking for other jobs in the event that where I currently work does choose to fire me.
I've applied to just about every ad on Craigslist that I think I'm even slightly capable of doing but to no avail.
I just feel deep down that no matter what the result of the court case they are going to terminate me and I can't waste time being unemployed.

I feel good, I walk alone But then I trip by myself and I fall I, I stand up, and then I'm okay But then you print that shit That makes me want to scream

The job hunt continues. I went all over Clifton Park and basically no one is hiring. I did find a few day care establishments who are looking to hire and my resume will show I'm more than qualified for any position than may have.
Let me clarify I'm only looking for a job in the event that I get terminated. I can't wait for a grenade to explode in my lap before I take action and do what's best for me.
I've received a shocking amount of support from fellow coworkers that means more than words can express. Especially considering I did something unquestionably wrong even if it wasn't out of malicious intent or frivolity.
Well all except one. One coworker who I thought I had developed a close relationship with who is telling people she just thinks I'm going to be terminated. It's really disappointing. Especially when no one can have anyway to predict the outcome. I'll admit that I feel I don't deserve sympathy but I know I don't deserve disrespect or to aid anyone in gossip mongering.
We live in a world where we've lost all sense of humanity.

" You can’t have my heart
And you won't use my mind but
Do what you want (with my body)
Do what you want with my body
You can’t stop my voice cause
You don't own my life but
Do what you want (with my body)
Do what you want (with my body)"

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Hello darkness, my old friend

Today I have a job interview for some water testing compan. I'm kind of just resolved to the fact that the out come of my case will not affect my current job standings and I don't have time to waste.
Needless to say I'm not looking forward to the interview or even the job although water safety has always been one of my geeky interests. 
And to make matters worse y mother and I ended up havin a blow up argument last night that wasn't fair to her. I just kind of exploded out all the things that are wrong I. Her direction so this morning is awkward. 
You know me! When a situation is at it's absolute worst I always manage to find a way to make it worse!
It's times like these I truly wish I were a vampire. They can goto sleep for 50 years. Right now would be an excellent time to start a 50 year nap. 
I wrote an email to the woman essentially in charge of my fate at my current place of employment (I think I'm repeating myself) but I received no response and she doesn't seem like the kind of person who let's emotion get in the way of her decisions. This is why I feel as though my fate is sealed. 
But who knows what this interview at this water testing establishment could bring. Maybe untold opportunities? Maybe a higher pay rate? And it's right in town so I'd save on gas and it's full time. 
At the very least if I get hired it will be nice to have income while I'm waiting to hear back from my other job. 
Clearly I want the job I have back. Technically I haven't lost it, I'm on administrative leave. And I suppose it plays to my favor that they didn't just fire me right out the gate although they could've just done that as a way to avoid legal issues later on. 
I wish I knew if it was legal to fire someone if they are charged with a lesser crime in court that has nothing to do with their job and the crime it's self didn't take place while working and hasn't happened any other time during your employment. Guess I'll find out after thanksgiving. Nothing like waiting on the chopping block. 
After the interview I'll probably come home and just go back to bed. 
I don't feel like doing anything else. And I'm pretty much useless. I've sent out my resume to a bunch of place and preschools to no avail. 
Perhaps I'll continue my job search. 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Time goes by so slowly

Here I sit at home completely useless. 
I met with the lawyer this morning. He thinks it will either get thrown out or reduced to disorderly conduct because I didn't steal enough to actually be charged with petty larceny. 
This may or may not work to my favor as far as my job is concerned. I spoke to one of my superiors today and still get the feeling that they've made up their minds. He did suggest I send an email to the woman who ultimately decides my fate and I did. She really wouldn't listen to what I had to say at the initial meeting so maybe my email will have some impact. 
I just feel so lost. It just seems like the good actions I take never out way when you make one had decision. 
I'm more or less resolved to the fact that my job is part of my past. I've started sending out applications and résumés. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Suddenly the Koons is me

Here I am out in the unknown again. The actual grey area. If this were the neverending story I'd be in the center of the nothing. 
I spend more time here than I do I'm reality. 
I feel so displaced. Probably because I am. Sadly I'm getting use to not having a constant job that feels like home. 
Ever since I got fried from Brite Beginings years ago I've never allowed myself to get completely comfortable. Each day would feel like my first that way if the shit hit the fan the detachment would be just a hair easier. 
I'm not terminated from my job...yet. They said it all depends on what happens in court but I truthfully told them what I did and even if the lawyer gets the charges reduced they will still know what I actually did and probably terminate me anyways. 
I'll be devastated but not shocked. I did something wrong and stupid and with that comes a price. But I've become so close to the adult with disabilities I support and made so much progress with him it will all have been for nothing. 
In these situations people always tell you to think positive. I think reality. I'm not going to set myself up for disappointment or hope for the next to impossible. 
The worst part of this all is the waiting. Waiting to find out if the charges can be reduced that day or if there will be another court date. The waiting to find out what I will be charged with and the waiting to find out if my future at my job is now the past. 
Thanksgiving should be a blast. My mother has been supportive but my mother said I should stay away from him because he's furious with me. 
I just want to disappear. 

Mama I'm in love with a criminal/THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

I'm a criminal. 
Last night I made the worst decision of my life. I shoplifted and got caught and subsequently arrested. 
It was an out of body expierence. I begged the man at the store not to call the police, I explained that I'm recovering from cancer and have next to no money thanks to my medical bills and only stole out of necessity and that it didn't excuse my actions but he wasn't hearing any of it. 
He called the state troopers. Luckily the trooper who arrested me was ridiculously nice and understanding. He even said to me, before he cuffed me "you're not going to pose a threat, I can tell you're a good person, so I'll cuff you in front." 
But now my world has spiraled out of control and I have no one to blame but myself. 
My job was alerted to the arrest and now I'm on unpaid administrative leave pending the outcome of the case and once again I've become a burden to my family. 
Luckily we have a lawyer and he thinks he can get it reduced to disorderly conduct but my job will most likely fire me. Something I'm starting to become use to. 
Honestly is a mistake in so many ways. I get a call from one of the higher ups that he got the alert. I was completely honest but now because one of the things I stole was medication for my allergies I can't afford they're questioning if I'd steal from the adult with disabilities I work with if I needed medication that badly. 
Don't they think if I were going to do that I would have?  

Monday, November 18, 2013

Birds are a girls best friend

One of my favorite songs of all time is People by Barbra Streisand (if you're reading this and don't know me Babs is my be all to end all...and I may or may not wear a necklace of her around my neck...) but one lyric that always gets me is "people, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world". 
I've never found truth in that lyric. 
My best friend is quite small. She weighs a pound soaking wet, and has feathers. Her name is Effie. 
Effie is a cockatiel. We had a rough start. 
I acquired Effie right before I couldn't speak from the radiation. She had been neglected and abused by the pet store I had gotten her from.
I had wanted another cockatiel when my beloved Tila passed away. She was the birds of all birds. She was ridiculously tame and I had her for 6 years. To make a long sorrowful story short Tila held on until after I had the operation to remove a portion of my tongue to get the cancerous tumor. We knew her death was coming as she had started laying eggs for no reason at alarming rate and got egg bound (an egg had gotten stuck and at that point there's virtually nothing that anyone can do)
Then I got Effie. A few days after I got her I could no longer speak as the entire inside of my mouth was burned and I had to hold what is called Magic Mouthwash in my mouth all day with every kind of numbing agent available in it. That and I was on every kind of pain killer and sedation drug one could be prescribed. 
Everyday for 5 months I'd go over to Effie's open cage and try to coax her out to no avail. I knew she wouldn't be anything like Tila. Tila was use to be handled and surrounded by people before I got her. But I had no idea I had acquired a larger version of parakeet. 
But everyday I'd get up and just sit next to her cage. Door open, just like with Tila because I believe if you're going to own a bird it shouldn't be in a cage unless it's absolutely neccisiairy. Just at bed time. 
She made no attempts to leave her cage and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. 
But for 5 months I'd go over to her cage and towards the end of my forced 5 month silence I thought to myself "this fucking bird! I rescue her and she won't even fly around the room!"  This is where her name came from, Effie. 
There were so many things I was looking forward to that I had done with my beloved Tila. Like teaching her to fly because they clip their wings. Teaching Tila to fly is still one of my fondest memories. The day she finally got the hang of it I never felt prouder. 
But much like myself Effie had to do it all on her own. 
Well one day I had taken one too many pain killers and began vomiting. And naturally when you're vomiting you can't hold anything in your mouth. It was threw this accidental mini overdose that I discovered I didn't need the magic mouth wash. My mouth was no longer a constant fire ball. So I said the same thing I said when my tongue healed. "Hello". And in that very moment Effie flew out of her cage and landed on my shoulder and has tried to stay there ever since...even when I have to go to work.
Effie and I are a lot alike. We don't trust or love a lot of people and emotion and touching and just about everything has to be on our terms. But we love each other. Just exactly for who we are.
I'll never forget coming home from my first day back at the hellish daycare I worked at. It had been a horrible day. They gave me no time to adjust, treated me as if I was good as new and I wasn't. Saying some words was still hard as I hadn't used my tongue for almost half a year. I was weak. They didn't care. Now if I had been pregnant I wouldn't have gotten treated like a porcelain doll of extreme value but last time I checked pregnancy usually isn't terminal and may be painful but usually just uncomfortable and doesn't hold a candle to the hell I went through. 
I sat on my bed and just cried. Effie flew out of her cage, sat next to me, looked up at me with those warm black eyes and said "hello?".  She hopped up on my shoulder and nuzzled me.
This small winged creature has been more humane to me than 99% of the people I've come across. 
She's my best friend. I love her unconditionally and she me. If it hadn't been for her friendship and company during my recovery from the treatment and easing back into the world I don't know if I would've made it. Effie and my mom have always loved me and been there for me. Something no one else has ever done or even tried to. 

It's been a long time since I came around Been a long time but I'm back in town This time I'm not leaving without you

It's been a while since my last blog...or at least it feels that way. 
The target guy saga is officially over. I knew through the course of conversations he was a very young 23...more like 23 going on 16. An honest assessment. But I truly thought we'd be able to communicate on some intellectual level. 
Last night he called me. I don't know how we got on the subject but we started talking about Lady Gaga. And I had said "when someone says to me Lady Gaga dresses crazy" I automatically figure they have no intellectual capability to understand or at the very least respect art. 
He flew off the handle in the most toddler-like fashion throwing a tantrum saying I can't judge other people's opinion if they don't like Lady Gaga. I tried multiple times to clarify that that wasn't my point. I didn't even say that. That my point was when people make that statement they are incapable of understanding what she is trying to do and that her outfits are art. 
Well he cotinued calling me names and yelling over me and then began attacking my art, my photography. Which I had made a point not to show him as most people don't take te time to let the visual in front of them process before they come to a conclusion but apparently he had creeped my Instagram or Facebook. 
I have a focus on a different definition of beauty and more specifically beauty in death. 
Well as he's trying to tear my art apart I'm thinking in my head "isn't he doing what he says I can't do?" 
Well after his limited vocabulary ran out of vulgarities he hung up on me. And that's that. 
In reaction to this on a more general scale I finally bought myself a fleshlight. No I no longer need a man of any kind unless they fall directly in my lap. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I live for the applause

My three month review went really well. I was taken by surprise. My manager and manager above her said how much of a good fit I am with the man with disabilities I work with and how much they appreciate me. Those words would have never left my last boss's mouth unless someone had a gun pointed to her head.
It was very rewarding to hear all the good things I'm doing and that they were recognized. 
Tomorrow I have to get up early for a retreat. It's not really a retreat. We aren't going somewhere special. I just really don't want to get up. That and I'm almost out of my Xanax and the new controlled substances law combined with my bitchy doctors office makes it next to impossible to get it when I need it. Last time I stopped taking it I had a seizure...during the interview for this very about full circle. 
I wish I could get off of it but after all I've been through with being sick compounded by everything else it's just not a reality. I think I should be heavily sedated but my doctor disagrees. She probably thinks I'm a drug addict. I just don't want to feel most of the time. Or think.
And don't give me that "no one's life is perfect" bullshit. You try walking around trying to put it out of your mind that there is a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off in your body and take everything again. 

People don't get art anymore

I always knew from an early age the world was an ignorant place. At the age of 5 I may have looked like your typical boy but I was still an abomination for carrying around a pony. 
As I grew into myself the bigger of a societal abomination I became...and so it goes. 
In working on decorating my room I was looking for photos from the artpop photoshoot from Lady Gaga's latest. But in doing so I was plagued by all the ignorant, thoughtless, vapid and shallow reviews of not just the album but the interactive app, the album artwork, and her pop up art gallery in New York. 
It's one thing to dislike what she is doing, how she is doing it, what she uses to do it but to discredit her completely and the art she produced is probably the easiest way to write an article or review. It requires no thought to punch in line after line of negative run on sentences with even more negative adjectives. 
It would actually take time and effort to listen to the album, take it in, draw conclusions and behold the art it is.
I read article after article comparing her to other contemporary artists which is ludicrous at best. She isn't like anyone else. If Lady Gaga is nude on the cover of her album there's a reason, not for virtually no reason or to just sell copies of her album.
If you look at the artpop cover there isn't anything sexual about it. She isn't Madonna who let her meat purse and fun bags out for any dollar amount. 
She isn't Miley Cyrus who sat atop a wrecking ball naked, suggestively touching herself and giving faux falacio to a sledge hammer. 
I've been listening to the album and don't get it twisted. I don't blindly like anything. Mariah Carey was my idol for years, then she started coming out with half assed albums with maybe half a good song on them and I moved on. I am objective. This album of Gaga's is brilliant and cohesive with the rest of her work but at the same time a progression.
What's more is she's done something no one has ever done. She's made this music tangible. Through an app and artwork. I never thought in a million years something I expierence sonically could be something I could reach out and touch, change, feel and see. 
We can spend months slamming Miley Cyus for her VMA catastrophe, putting immense and intense attention on something people mostly considered deplorable and inappropriate but we have a true artist who is making real art and the best society can do is write throw articles, sweeping everything she's doing and done under the rug in a lamely insulting matter. 
You can not like Lady Gaga all you want. I'm not god or the president and it's a somewhat free country. But show some respect. And try using brain. Something Americans have a shockingly distinct aversion too and most don't even posses the ability to. 
It will always be a major sticking point for me and something that I'll always use to judge the kind of person is by how they define Lady Gaga. When people say she dresses crazy I can't help but come to the conclusion they have no culture or intellect and are just simple minded. 
Lady Gaga doesn't dress crazy. She wears art. She tries to revoke thought through her choice of dress among everything else she does. 
Or when people say "I don't understand her music". Of course you don't. If I showed you Andy Warhol's Campbell's soup art piece you probably wouldn't get that either.
We live in a world where unless it's spelled out for you in the most specific and simplest of terms people just don't bother. We can embrace a song written entirely about alochol consumption from a red solo cup, acting as though a plastic cup that pollutes the planet and binge drinking are the next coming of Christ but we can't understand Lady Gaga's Applause or poker face or bad romance. Why? Because as a nation we relate to that which requires the least amount of thiught. So cheers to Lady Gaga and her art and the majority of you out there who just can't comprehend it just take another swig out of your red solo cup. 


I LOVE Lady Gaga's new album. It's like the fame and born this way had a baby. And so many of the songs would serve as a wonderful sex soundtrack not to say in anyway I'm degrading the value of the songs. They're all intelligent and exactly as promised: artpop. 
I also love the app that goes with the album. It was super confusing when I first opened it. You meet this alien like character that reminded me of the born this way video who's name I can't remember and she finds your aura. Once again I'm stuck with green- just like my birthstone and my absolute least favorite color. 
So far the app seems to be a place only to make art but there are countdowns to other things coming. I wish you could export the art you create but so far there doesn't seem to be a way. 
I barely slept las night. My wonderful sinuses did what they love to- disallow me to breath and produce enough mucus for an entire geriatric ward. 
I ended up watching Animal hoarders which I didn't even know exsistes (the show, not the condition) and I was so deliciously disturbed. This is the hoarders to beat all hoarders. 
My favorite two people so far- the woman who had 107 dogs in a single wide trailer and the man who had 30 cats. 
Initially with the trailer lady you couldn't tell it was a trailer but once you did yor mind is blown. All this woman did day in and day out was rotate the dogs in and out of the trailer and didn't let any of them outside. She put down butcher paper in a shrewd attempt to catch all the urine and fieecees that inevitably got torn to bits. And she basically slept covered in dogs on a twin size bunk bed. 
The man with 30 cats wasn't really shocking until you saw his family and what his wife's daughter was married too. 
Exhibit A-
This is one of those situations where our sitting there screaming "I'm good looking, have a good job and my shit together and YOU are married?!" Not to mention how he acted. He was in his 30s and still wearing invader zim shirts and his wife had decorated her entire home in hellot kitty which is ironic considering her mother's husband had 30 of them. 
The cat hoarder didn't get disturbing until he turned himself in to animal control and they found a dozen dead cats. 
Today is my 3 month review. I'm just expecting to get slapped in the face with things I didn't see coming after the staff meeting expierence. I know I do a good job and do the actual job and that's what's truly important. 

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Do or do not there is no try

Well my part of the house is finally settled and Iove it. For some reason I thought two really stupid things. 1) when the movers moved all of our stuff into the new house everything would magically have a place and I wouldn't feel like the enormous mess I'd been living in would follow me and 2) unpacking would somehow be less stressful than packing. 
It would figure though that when my part of the house is settled I have to go to work. I wish I had taken an entire month off. I just want to be in the new house enjoying everything. 
We made our last and final trip to the old house to get the last round of things and had lunch in Clifton Park. This only affirmed how happy I am to not be a part of the abortion Clifton Park is. The staring, taunting, epithets, and the like were just where I left them. And they can stay there.  

Thursday, November 7, 2013

False advertising

Topic of the day- false advertising. 
We all know whether it be the first date or going out to catch one on the line we do whatever we can to make ourselves look perfect and sometimes even better than we actually look. 
Is this false advertising?
I'll share my expierences. 
I do mostly online dating because meeting gay men in public in my area is like finding the last unicorn. 
On more than a few occasions I've done anything and everything I can to look flawless. A little make up, doing and redoing my hair until it's perfect and dressing in my finest and often most uncomfortable clothes. 
Admit it- male or female- you've all done it. But did you ever wonder what happens when they see you without all the help, just with what you've got?
I can honestly and truthfully say that the more "perfect" I look on a date the higher the chances of an undesirable outcome. I either end up not being taken seriously or believed to have any brains. Or they think I'm easy and want a hook up. Or they rush everything and suck the romance out of the entire evening faster than Edward Cullen sucks a deer dry. 
My best outcomes on dates that turned into relationships were when I didn't have the time to smooth away all the imperfections or sometimes just look like crap. I certainly don't feel more confident but maybe the vulnerability makes truly getting to know someone more tangible.
I had a fiancé. He was a foreigner from Germany. I had to pick up from the train station at the ass crack of dawn and looked horrendous because I had absolutely no desire to even try. We had had countless conversations over the Internet and texted pictures back and forth, pictures of myself at my finest. At the time I hadn't considered he'd take a look at me and think "what the hell if he runs the other way?!"  
Well he got off the train looking like he stepped off a GQ magazine and I ran over to him, he scooped me up in his arms, passionately kissed me, then held my face in his hands and in his thick accent said "you look so beautiful". I was shocked and had never felt more beautiful than I did in that moment in my entire life. 
So over they years I've slowly abandoned the primping, pulling, tucking and covering. Don't get me wrong. I like to look glamorous. I like to know I look my absolute best with all the enhancements and additives but I want to feel that way for me not for someone else. And I'd rather know that the person sitting across from me on a date likes what before him without all the additives then waste my time by trying to keep up an illusion and in the process, losing the appreciation I have for the way I actually look.
Does that mean I wear sweat pants and a stained shirt to every first date? No. I simply wear the clothes that I feel most confident in (which if you're wondering is usually a skin tight pair of pants, a t-shirt that I find to be wonderful, and a blazer with a scarf.). 
If you want someone to fall in love with you, be YOU.

"was always told to be a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom.”

Well we're finally in the new house. I love it but between having to stay late for work until 12:30 and coming to our new home with things that should've been put in my room put in my entertainment room instead and vice versa, my mattress on the floor bare and only one lamp and then discovering the new bed in a bag I bought wasn't a bed in a bag but a comforter, some pillows and a bed skirt with I don't even need sense I always have my bed directly on the floor I just cried.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE our new home it was just awful I had no time to make my room feel like my room. 
I stayed up until 4am because I've made myself dependent on falling asleep to movies and I had to assemble the entertainment stand, plug in my new DVD/VHS player which is bliss and my new tv which is the nicest tv I've ever had but not one of those gaudy ones that takes up the entire room and requires a mortgage to own. 
I honestly can't even remember what movie I fell asleep to. I purchased both seasons of two broke girls even though I've seen them because that show rates high on my "I'm going to pee" scale. I watched that for a bit. Pretty sure I put in an actual movie, took 4 shots of vodka and passed out.
I got up early enough to set up my room in some fashion. Hung up photography and two pieces of art that were my grandmother's that I just love. Set up my desk, assembled a cabinet of sorts for my records and got to unpack them. Set up my bathroom a bit. 
Today's my last day of work for the week so hopefully I'll be able to get more accomplished. 
FINALLY got my hands on a copy of my beloved Melissa Gorga's book "Love, Italian style". I love it. It's about her marriage and although no ones put a ring on it yet I'm taking her advice. Look at the man she scored! 
After I finish Melissa Gorga's book it's on to Melissa Joan Hart's book. 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013


It's moving day. No longer will I'll be held captive in a town that never wanted me and never wanted who I was and who I am. 
Last night was strange knowing it would be the last time I went through the motions of my nightly routine in my childhood home I've never left and this morning it's become real. 
A fresh start in a different bigger better home. 
But I can't stress enough that I'm overjoyed that I'll be free of the cruelty Clifton Park has thrust on me. 
Sadly my hamster Penelope passed away during the night. Kind of suiting I guess. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Celine saves the day

Target guy strikes again. I told him not to worry about Saturday because I had a friend going with him after he cared enough to text me that I didn't go to this register (...this is starting to sound low brow) and low and behold he probably isn't going.
The saga continues...
Tonight will be the last night in my house. We're moving tomorrow and I'm beyond nervous. I guess I just always thought the moving of your belongings and furniture was a process...not all done in one day. But it will be nice to have access to all my stuff again. I'd by lying if I said I hadn't been living in 4 outfits and I'm down to probably my last few squirts of contact solution. 
I desperately wish I wasn't working this week so I'd have time to set up my room in some fashion. 
But I dare say Celine saved the day. She always seems to come out with a new album or I slip into her music while a romantic antic is going on. 

Water and a flame

GODDAMN IT! I go to Target to get Céline Dion's new cd, find the perfect peacoat as mine, after several repairs became beyond redemption, and a soda and BAM! There's target guy ringing people out at the next register. So I say hi and get rung out and leave. Then I get a text: "way to walk right past me". Seriously, one minute you're interested the next you're not the next you are. Make up your mind. I don't understand games. 
But looking at hormones betrayed my stoic logical resolve to cut ties. All I wanted to do was leap on top of his register's conveyor belt, rip all his clothes off and have my carnal I haven't had sex in 16 months way with him. 
I let him know he didn't have to worry about Saturday because a friend is going with me but if he can come he more than welcome to come. I guess I'll see how this plans out.
My gut tells me he's just going to jerk me around somemore (not in the way I would like to be) and not show.
My heart hopes he shows up, gets his act together and we could become something. I know how unlikely this is. He's a young 23 and has proven by things he has told me about his personal life like missing his bus back to jersey not once but twice because he couldn't get up. 
I don't want to babysit. 

What a shame

Today is my three month review for my job. Basically where you find how your superiors think you're doing and if you continue on the probationary path that everyone starts on or if you're a solid employee. 
I'm always nervous when things like this come about but after the staff meeting I'm nervous squared because that went in a completely unforeseeable direction. It will be what it will be. I'm going in confident knowing I've only made one mistake, I got 10 med points which most new hires get and from my correspondence with most of the people I've trained with that's a pretty low number. 
My allergies are hitting hardcore and I'd like to trade my head for someone else's. I ask again- are sinuses medically neccisariy?! 
And to add to the mixture and the theme of feeling unbalanced we're moving tomorrow or Thursday. I'm so excited but so nervous at the same time. I've spent all my 27 years in this house. I've been able to walk around in this house in total darkness since I can remember. Both wonderfully blissful moments beyond my wildest dreams have happened and some of the most terrifyingly tragic moments happened too. 
I think I feel better when all my belongings are in the new house and the fresh start begins. 
When I look back at this year it's all been a fresh start and a blessing. I'm over a year out of my cancer diagnosis and treatment, I've started a new rewarding career that has enabled me to make a difference and has given me time to reflect on myself, to do and want better for myself and now the last piece of the puzzle- getting out of Clifton Park and moving into a wonderful bigger new home. 
On the target guy front- I've thrown in the towel. I'm not interested in the chase and I need to stop thinking it's ok for me to beg for someone to want to spend time with me.
So my date for the SIRSY show- my last boss Rose. An unexpected and cherished friend I made at the last daycare I worked out. She gets me. She is fabulous and real and when I'm with her I just have the most wonderful time. Better I should have someone with me I care about who didn't even hesitate to say yes when I asked her than some 23 year old who can't get their shit together. 

Monday, November 4, 2013

Don't fuck with the Queen

Being on "vacation" just a shy of a week and coming back to work is quite disorienting. I'm come in, everything is different and posted on the office door is a packet of information all staff members have to sign and it turns out it's all common sense. Especially the part of about social media. If you're dumb enough to openly and negativly and specifically talk about your job (and I mean using names and specificities) you're a dumbass.
My first order of business was refilling the bird feeders. Those little sparrows sure can pack it away. They ate all 6 of the suet holders with suet inside and all the bird feeders which hold a massive amount of seeds. They're all out there happily fighting each other for the seeds. 
What I find most hysterical abou these sparrows is they fight over one feeder when there are 3 out there. Sometimes the females pick one because the males are so aggressive. 
On my way to work the fabulous high quality body jewelry shop I stumbled upon by mistake in Troy was finally open again and I desperately needed a new set of plugs as I sized up to 00. The "steel" tunnels that came with my stretching kit really aren't solid steel. I found this out when i kept them in for a long time and my healing ear ate through the steel plating. 
I got this beautiful pair of opal plugs and because they are made of stone my ears gave adelicious sigh of comfort. 
I have to say the stretch from 0 to 00 has been the easiest stretch yet. Barely any pain, slight pinch, no swelling. I was shocked. Because from 4 to 2 was the worst. And from 2 to 0 took two tries. 
I've successfully avoided any scar tissue and the dreaded cat ass ears that can happen if you don't listen to your body.
The best part of this shop I found in Troy is you get points for each purchase you make that go towards a discount and of you buy a pair of plugs you get a 10% discount.
They were closed for a week and I didn't have the time to read the sign on the door so I was afraid they'd closed and I would have to go back to pompous tattoo shops where they make you feel like your an imposition for just walking in (not my true tattoo though. Best tattoo shop in the area but sadly my beloved piercer moved). 
So it's official this is the last week in the only home I've ever known and we move into the new house. I'm beyond excited. I unfortunately won't have a large amount of time to set up my new room with working but when it's done I'll be drowning the world in photos! 

You're frozen

I woke up to the dreaded status update of an ex lover you're still in love with "****** is in a relationship with some bitch"
It had to have been 5 years ago but we all know my time and spacial awareness have never been good so give or take a few years, that I fell head over heels for a guy I met online. We dated while I was still working at North CUNTry academy. Things went well. I fell fast and hard. He was just so adorable and everything I was looking for. Then one day at the end of my shift I got the dreaded "we need to talk" voicemail. So i called him back prepared for the "it's not you it's me" "I just don feel a spark" blah blah blah breakup. But no, that wasn't what the phone was about at all. Turns out this guy I had been seeing was born a female and in process of transitioning. I had no clue and you wouldn't either if you had seen him. It barely through me for a loop. He told me he had no I tensions of the reassignment surgery and in my mind that just made everything easier. He was relieved it didn't bother me and I told him it wasn't his genetalia that made me fall for him it was who he was. Just the kind of person I am. 
Well a week later he dumps that through me for a loop. 
We kept in contact over the years, even when he ended up with another guy and subsequently broke up with him. Our friendship was on and off but in my expierence if you friend an ex that's usually how it goes.
Well I never really got over him. And we had started talking again. Things seemed to be moving into a flirtatious direction but then he told me under no cicumstances was he looking for a relationship. Another road block. 
Well we lost touch again and I wake up this morning and there it was, bold and celebratory, not only is he in a relationship but he's in a relationship with a woman... 
I will never understand men. I had my 10 minute pity party in my bed and got up and went about my day. Who knows. Maybe target guy will amoun to something...

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Football- America's favorite shove it down your throat pass time

Welcome to the time of the year where I avoid my Facebook and twitter like the plague or sharing my eos with someone who has visible coldsores. 
I'm not aware of when the football season actually beings but I'm pretty sure it wasn't too long ago and I'm already sick of it. It's everywhere. People feverishly typing they're thumbs off to update their Facebook when something on the same game everyone else is watching and has already seen happy and then when the game is finally over you get flooded with all proclamations that their team won or the status updates more dramatic than a drag queen when he loses his eyelash glue about how their team lost and how their team was robbed. 
Let me say I gave football a chance more than once but it's annoying. It should be called "pass the ball, drop it, smack your  "non-homosexual" teammates on the ass while some group of men stop the game to look at 20 seconds of replay for 20 minutes".
It's a complete mystery to me why so many people are glued to their TVs for hours watching grown men start and stop and start and stop and start and stop and start and stop and just when you think they might play for more than 30 seconds they stop again. 
Perhaps if I could just be blissfully unaware that it was happening at all I wouldn't want to slap everyone I see wearing a jersey or frantically updating their Facebook. But it's everywhere you turn. 
The only gem of this entire dog and pony show that really shouldn't qualify as a sport in my opinion as even an elderly man with a walker and an oxygen tank trailin behind him could keep up the pace is the half time show which sadly this year I have absolutely no interest in. They decided to not go for a big current star this year so the NFL won't even get that 12 minutes of my attention. 

In other news- back to the salt mines tomorrow. I'd love to say I've enjoyed this "vacation" but t wasn't one. I'm ready to go back to work and if I see another packing box, packing tape, or jumbo sized sharpie it will be too soon. I will miss doing shots at 11am...
This will be the last week in my childhood home. That's right. I've been living in the same house my entire life. 
I thought I'd be more emotionally affected but I'm not. Maybe I will be when we leave the house for good but I've been ready for a change for a long time. So much has happened in this house both good and bad, happy and sad but it's this town that I was done with since I was 12 years old. 
I will say I'll miss the oasis that my attict apartment has been but moving into a bigger house away from Clifton park with its mass populous of fake people spending beyond their means to keep a gaudy status and image and getting rid of so much clutter that I was drowning in it will be worth it. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

A work in progress

So target guy and I are allegedly going on a date. Do I foresee this as a long term relationship? No. I honestly don't. I'm an old 27 and he's a young 23. But stranger things have happened right?  
I'm not an ageist (I say this as I'm no longer mixing my vodka with anything but taking straight shots from the bottle with a dr.pepper chaser) but you can just tell. I'm an old 27 because of what I've been through. No I don't mean the same emotional turmoil everyone experiences.  I'm talking about my cancer and if you think I'm beating a dead horse go get that diagnosis and tell me how much is affected your entire life and everything else. 
He's a young 23 because he hasn't had to deal with anything yet. And I hope he never does. I hope he can live the samecare free existence I did until I was slapped with that cinder block of reality.
There's so much I miss about my life before my diagnosis. I miss smoking. I miss thinking I'm invincible and life is a neverending map. I miss not having my mind plagued with all the what ifs. 
But now the what ifs have turned into so what's. So what if it comes back? If it comes back I'll throw in the towel and do what I want to do. Smoke again. Smoke pot again and live life until life, the hour glass it is runs out and be happy.
My worst fear is that with target guy he won't be able to handle or understand what happened to me. As expierence has proven most can't. 
I'm also worried he won't care for SIRSY. Which will be a deal breaker. But it will be what it will be and maybe I'll have sex for the first time in 16 months. 
I'm always going to be a changing and sometimes evolving person. And some days that turns out great and some days it's a royal mess. But I'll know when I've found Prince Charming when he accepts and wants that. Cancer or not. Damage or not. Evolution or devolution or not. Perfect or imperfect. 


So things with target guy seem to be progressing. I was just about the blog about the lack of communication when he ups and calls me. 
It's ridiculously confusing but I guess all romantic possibilities are. He finally said things that would lead me to believe to the interest isn't one sided. And promises that he'll accompany me to the November 9th SIRSY concert. I'll believe it when it happens. If there's one thing I've learned from my expired cd with men is that you can't trust them or what they say until it happens. 
On the moving front apparently the people currently occupying the house we're suppose to move into have decided they're not ready to move yet which just about fucks everything up. Only by a few days but when you're moving and trying to get everything to align a few days can make a tremendous difference. But come shit hell or high water or with or without date I will be at that SIRSY show. 
I worked on a project I've been dying to do. I printed out my favorites from photography portfolio, bought two ugly pictures with beautiful frames, took the pictures out and removed the backing of the frames and hot glued finishing line in rows and hung all my photos from the fishing line. It looks wonderful. I won't lie, totally got the idea from Pinterest but I used my photography not drunken nights with my friends as the focus. They'll look beautiful in the new house. I'm going to work on getting new shots so I can make more. I've already made two. 
Here's hoping target guy amounts to more than just another ex to try and burn out of my mind.