Sunday, December 8, 2013

You're an asshole

Today was a rough day all around. I spent most of it alone because my family went to see my grandfather at his nursing home. I haven't been visiting him. Before it was because of my work schedule, lately it's because I don't want my brother saying something stupid in front of my grandfather like "John got arrested and fired!" Which he would have most likely done or for all has done but at least if he did I don't have to suffer
The embarrassment. 
It shouldn't be a shock to anyone that my family situation is on the rocks again and inevitably someone will share this with my mom or brother by seeking it out or happening
Upon it but that's the gamble you take when you share things publicly. My mother never hesitate to tell me she would never share anything about herself publicly like I do but she's from a completely different generation where people filled their closet with more skeletons than clothes. For me it's cathartic and when you don't have many people in your life you can talk to or who will pick up the phone its as if someone is listening. 
I'm completely heartbroken that I didn't help decorate the tree this year but from reading a place of yes I realized I needed to remove myself from the situation because I certainly wasn't getting anything out of it and anything I had to say would fall on deaf ears. 
So I've regained public enemy number 1 status by making a healthy choice for me. 
My mom can't expect me to sit in a room with someone who she has given a free pass to treat me anyway he likes let alone enjoy it. She and him say the same thing. "You've been mean to him for 27 years (I guess it started in utero) and now that he isn't taking it anymore you're just mad".  He parrots the same thing. Whether or not this is fact and despite the fact no one has the right to tell anyone they can treat someone horribly for any reason I do have the right to not be present. 
I'm breaking the chain. They think all these horrible things about me, constantly discuss me while I'm not present and when together rarely have two good words to rub together about me. I can't have this running through my mind and in front of me all the time. 
What I don't get is what on earth they would care at all if I'm present at all of I'm all these horrible things and my brother gets to treat me like an underling. 
I miss when my brother worked weekends. Then it was just me and my mom going out on
The weekends and I feel like she could see my clearer and all the noise my brother was radiating wasn't there. Now if I want to go out with my family on the weekends with my brother being present I have to basically shut up, stay as silent as possible or I'm a target for anything he chooses to fling at me. What's the point? 
I also don't understand how my flaws are the only ones that are noticed. The fact that my brother is arrogant, ignorant, and often mean goes ignored and when brought up is denied like I'm in a church claiming jesus wasn't the son of God. 
I have flaws, we all do. I can be bitchy, obnoxious, I have no filter among others but that's part of the puzzle that is John. 
I created a plan for myself and followed the first 2 steps of a place of yes. I identified all the noise and how I'm going to break the chain. Another thing I will have to pay dearly for with my family if they see it. 
The fact is, my mom who when my brother isn't present, is my everything, best friend, my rock, my cheerleader won't be here forever and I have to make a life I can sustain, enjoy and love and if that means going against what my brother thinks is right or my mother thinks is right so be it. But the time is now to start making changes. Good changes. And most importantly changes that are good for me. 

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