I refuse to believe our sole purpose in life is to work at a job you loathe for money and good benefits.
I lost my job. If you've read my blog or are one of my friends you already know this. But I'm not sad I lost the job. The allure wasn't the job it's self rather what I could do at the job or at least try to do.
I am sad I let my family down again but that's what they expect anyways so at least I delivered. But I'm clearing their noise from my mind.
This was a sign that this job was never going to be for me. Sure, I had really good health benefits but what good are health benefits if you have nothing to live for because your job takes up all your time leaving you nothing in return but money and insurance.
I'd sit on the couch many days because the man i worked with rarely wanted to do anything thinking to myself not only is this what my family defines as success but this is what I survived cancer for? To sit on a couch bored to tears doing nothing productive or at the very least active that I don't even want to be doing?
My definition of success is finding something you love to do and can get paid for. Who care what dondomination that is as long as your bills are covered?
I'm try to go back to my true passion and my truth , child care, but that's nothing more than a dead end to my family. And maybe it is but if I'm happy with it what difference does it make?
for anyone to expect me to want to go back to the arc after 6 months after their decision is insane. I had cancer. I may only have tomorrow or next year and I don't want to look back at when I was capable of doing things and say we'll you hated it but you made a lot of money and had amazing health insurance. I want to look back and see accomplishments and moments that were important to me and made me happy.
And i can't stand the double standard betweenmy twin and I . I'm never going to be him. I don't want to be him, be like him, or even walk along the same path as him. We are two completely different people who see the world in two entirely different ways.
He's always going to be the one who didn't do drugs, didn't need special care and attention because of his sexual orientation, the one who
Always makes the right choice and doesn't make mistakes.
I'm always going to be the free spirit who screws up, tries things for the hell of it, enjoys drinking a bit too much but has ideals and a real passion. The one who can be told exactly what will happen if he makes a certain choice, do it anyways and only learn by it happening.
I'm not looking for pitty, sympathy or empathy.Thats not what blog is about. It's a sounding bored with a mainly Alaska audience.
I'm done with the noise of others and the complete and total lack of understanding who I am as a human being after knowing me for 27 years. I'm chasing my dreams and that will come with a cost but this is the last time I do anything to make someone else happy.
All I ended up doing was beating myself up mentally and physically and completely and totally isolating myself. ...for money. I'd rather hook. And i understand how my family sees and perceives success but it's not how I do and whether or not my mom remembers, that's not how she raised us.
Life is short and mine was almost really short and its time to go back to my love and truth. Regardless of the judgements and explicitly outbursted proclamations of disappointments.
My mother is my nucleus. She's who I've tried to model myself after but one day she won't be here anymore and I need to do what makes me happy so I have something when she's gone. My twin will most likely either sever ties or try to control me when she's gone some day. I'll only have myself. And at the age of 27 I still have time to forge that path of what success means to me.
I've had such little interest in what my twin thinks about me since I was 12. He will never be the man of the house or a father figure. In order to gain his approval I'd have to change my beliefs to match his and submit to his I'm holyer than tho arrogance. I don't submit to anyone or anything. He merely tolerates me and I wish he'd just perfectly annoy me so I could get use to being on my own. Like today at the mall where he waited for me to go to the bathroom and fill my water bottle like I'm some sort of toddler who needs constant supervision. In his eyes I always be a product of the mistakes I've made and who would want to be around that.
And i know my mother loves me. But I can't tell what she really thinks of me. She, too places heavy stock on the mistakes I've made but I think and hope she expects more out of me because we are virtually wired the same. But in truth I think she'll pass thinking I'm just going to continue to be one dark cloud of bad decision making, weak and codependent on external relief of reality and someone who never really loved her. When in truth she's been my life long idol.
I always say Barbra Streisand is but what a lot of people don't know is that the entire reason I fell in love with Barbra was because at the ageof 5 or 6 I saw her on tthe TV and thought barbra was my mom.
You can't make people see what you want them to or make them believe that you love them and have them on pedestal higher than heaven but you can love yourself find your dream and truth and follow it. And I'm doing that. I've got nothing to lose.