Sunday, December 15, 2013

separate yourself

I adore this quote. This is exactly what I'm doing for many reasons I'd for another reason that the total lack of understanding where my family is concerned. 
My family believes I shouldn't write about my life since it's intertwined with their's. I disagree. Especially when certain family members believe they can treat others however they want because the individual treated them poorly when they were a child. 
I don't feel I have a family or at least by society's definition. 
I have a mother who completely and total supports me, even when I'm neck deep in shit and totally wrong. The rest? People waiting on the sidelines with a magnifying glass for me to make the slightest mistake so they can revel in my mistake. That does not a family make. 
And I'm not saying everyone in my family is like this but at this current juncture in my life most of my family has either chosen to completely turn their back to me and tolerate my presence for my mother's sake or are just pretending to enjoy my company for the same reason. 
Then you have two specific family members who have my mother on speed dial every time I write something in my blog or on Facebook that they don't like or feel that can get me in some sort of middle school trouble. 
My twin for example. And believe me, I use twin solely in the genetic terms. He can't wait for me to fuck up again so he can use it to his advantage to reaffirm his "squeaky" clean reputation which isn't that squeaky if you do a very light digging. He can't wait for the next moment he can judge me or prove that I'm worthless. But what's truly worthless in my opinion is his existence in my life. 
My mother asked me what am I going to do this Christmas? I said I have books and enough acting lessons to make anyone think I'm happy. I'll just keep quiet, keep my nose down and try to go ignored. At this point I don't want retribution or pity or understanding. I just want to be left alone. I'm happy with the new direction I'm moving in and my definition of success.  I don't need their approval on any level. 
It's as if the world has lost their minds and think because you happen to be blood related you owe those relatives something.
I'm making strides. No one wants to see or support them. Or believe them.  So what use do we have for each other? 
I'm breaking the cycle.  I know I can be a good person and I don't owe it to any of them.  My success hasn't been celebrated by anyone but my mother and I've come to the conclusion I might as well not even mention my twin since he's hardly my brother in any sense of the word and no one would guess we're related. There no since in acknowledging someone 

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