Monday, December 16, 2013

It keeps getting better

I started my day by getting in some of my community service hours in and I have to say I'm really enjoying it.  I'm around mostly older women who think I'm "fabulous" and even though I'm not earning any dollar amount for my work it feels good to be giving back and to have the opportunity to give back. 
In my life I've taken a lot.  I'm not just talking about material things or shoplifting. I've taken a lot of people for granted including myself and I've made some really bad choices that probably wouldn't have been as bad if they didn't affect the people I care about most.
and I guess I never really had the opportunity to make it right or understood how to but this community service has given me that opportunity. 
If you've read my past few blog posts you'll note the underlying theme of family frustration and in venting and ranting I've been able to think and reflect a lot.  It's one thing when your thoughts are in your head.  It's a whole different story when they are in print right in front of your face.  
Why should my twin like me? I've forced him to work harder by getting fired (or in this latest issue of John ducks up monthly, got arrested) or losing my job.  And if I haven't given myself the chance to be a better person, to give myself some community service as it were, all he has seen is the bad parts of me.  That's all I've let a lot of family see of me.  I can't blame them for that.  That's my fault. I felt like they thought I was just a fuck up and on a subconscious and conscious level I just figured that's what I was suppose to be.  I never listened when I'd royally screw up time and time again, taking anything they (my family) said as further condemnation instead of sage advice.  I was defensive with them like I was with the people in the outside world because I had learned long ago that people are 9 times out of 10 going to be cruel and unkind and was apply the same rules to the very people who were there each and every time I fucked up.  
And my extended family- instead of being rational and telling them I felt I let it build up inside of me instead of giving them a chance to explain so I could understand.  That wasn't their fault that was mine and now I've caused seemingly irreparable damage with my youngest niece who I'd throw myself in fro t of a bus or a bullet for for the sake of what? Screaming and yelling like a toddler until I got to hear what I wanted to hear? I wouldn't want to be around me either.
In a strange way I'm happy this mess happened. I've learned a lot and I don't think if this had happened I would have. I would've continued down the both destructive and self destructive path I've been traveling since almost birth.
but in the words of the great Cher you can't the our back time.  I just have to keep pushing forward, making an effort and giving people something good to see for a change.

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