My family Iis decorating the Christmas tree and it's as if I don't matter. Once again my twin has dominated a family tradition and instead of listening to christmas music or playing the yule log dvd I bought specifically for the this occasion he has a wrestling dvd playing. I stayed downstairs for about five minutes and realized if I said anything, had any kind of opinion or suggestion I'd be yelled at like a toddler by my brother and that what I thought would hold no meaning. And i figured what the hell is the point?
he doesn't even live in the house. He lives in the apartment attached to the house. Why can't he pollute his apartment with his convoluted ideas of what christmas should be. Where he can play as many wrestling dvds as he wants whilst decorating for the holiday season?
Oh I forgot. He's the perfect one and by some subconscious or conscious allowance he gets to make whatever decision he wants regardless of how anyone else feels.
It's times like these I wonder why? Why did I fight to live? Why am I considered part of a family who sees me as nothing more than a constant disappointment incapable of making good decisions.
So here I sit on my bed watching new girl and my aquarium longing for more and for what life could actually be.
My plan- become employed again, find a man worth having around, get married, move out and build a life where I'm not living in the shadow of who I was and where traditions matter and are maintained. Not brushed aside because the golden boy has decided to grace everyone with his presence and his self absorbed arrogance is tolerated and encouraged.
Let me ask you would you want wrestling dvds playing as the soundtrack to your Christmas tree decorating? I didn't think so.
This will be the first year I haven't been part of the decorating of the tree and lately I'm caring about less and less. There seems so little point in life as society defines it and I see no reason to do anything other than lay on my heated blanket and watch new girl and my aquarium.