Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Can you be a better version of yourself?

I drank way too much last night.  I wouldn't say I'm hung over but I don't feel well and I feel worse about the blow up my mother and I had.  Alcohol has a wonderful way of bringing all your insecurities and worries to the surface and exploding them at the closest person. 
We both said things we didn't mean but it was like once the emotional vomit started spewing u couldn't stop. I needed my mother to say i give up on you because, truly I don't why she hasn't. 
I'm just so stressed about this job situation, getting turned down by yet another daycare and now all my hope hinges on my second interview for the school I really want to work at tomorrow. I can't even get a fast food joint to hire me. 
And I'm still chronically thinking about when I was sick and if it will come back. That exploded out too.  
So now my mother and I are at an impasse again. She wants nothing to do with me and I just don't want to hear that returning to my passion is a dead end and that the arc was where I should be working...As if that's a viable option.  They let me go, not the other way around. Sure I'm "welcome to come back in 6 months" but I hated it and ended up finding a way to make that job opportunity to collapse. 
Breaking the chain and not letting the noise of others in is a lot harder than I thought it would be. 

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