Thursday, September 12, 2013

In the land of gods and monsters

My life is in turmoil. Or at least the kind of turmoil that is superficial because its family related. 
I think we all have family issues in one way or another. Mine is no greater than anyone else's. I'm not being raped by a stepfather, being beat by a theoretical biological father, carrying the zygote of a step brother or any other lifetime movie worthy dramatics. 
Just your standard Real Housewives Of New Jersey feud where the semantics, facts, figures, and score keeping are more muddled than a 3 year old's frantic finger painting that amounted to a mess of colors so fervently mixed together they now resemble shit, not the intended masterpiece. 
It all started over a year ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. Yes, cancer- at the ripe old age of 26. 
Aside from the implied mental tornado and physical breakdowns before and after the diagnosis and the mental explosion before and after the surgery to remove part of my tongue and before and after the radiation treatment, the other half of my clinically termed immediate family completely and totally abandoned me. 
I couldn't eat or speak for 5 months post radiation. I was locked inside my head and body, my body which was slowly disappearing with each passing day. Needless to say this would drive anyone to the brink of insanity.
And to make matters worse all the people I thought were friends took the same train out of John Town leaving me completely and totally alone and forcing me even deeper down into the dead creature I was becoming. 
The friends I got over quickly. The family I couldn't. I did a fairly good job of masking this, plastering on a fake smile faker than Joan Rivers' face. 
But this week I finally exploded and let a mushroom cloud of emotions and hatred that had been contained far too long leaving a trail of disaster worse than hurricane sandy and the tsunami combined. 
And here I am, alone, with no one to talk to, no unbiased confidant who can smack me down a few pegs and make me face the vile actions I committed and support the actions that were well within my rights. 
I don't know what to do. I've run out of answers, excuses, rationalizations, and sorries. 
I was wrong and out of line as far as many of my typed defenses were concerned but I don't want to muster up the humility and maturity to admit this to them when they will never admit that they abandoned me and what's worse aren't in the very least sorry.
A war has been waged, lines have been drawn and no white flag will be raised, at least on my side. 
And even if they were capable of reaching way down beneath the layers of stone, concrete, and steal to find the humility and maturity to admit it and own it I don't know if I could ever look at them the same way or even as family. 
Angelina Jolie said it best when she said "family isn't a right, it's earned". And they weren't ever interested in earning anything, especially from me. 

No comments:

Post a Comment