Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Change the channel

The feud with my extended family continues. It seems as if everyone has gotten over it except for my niece, the person who I cared about the most. 
I was more than relieved that she wasn't at the house inspection. She said to me she would be civil so the rest of the family wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable and in this statement the very question that had caused the explosion of drama was tragically answered. 
She not only didn't care what I went through when I was sick and the aftermath it caused but probably never cared at all. 
If she had been at the house inspection I couldn't be "civil". Civil is a term people use to allow themselves to be fake. I can't be. I refuse to pretend I'm not hurt. I refuse to be civil. I'm more than capable of ignoring and avoiding but I won't slap on a smile for the sake of everyone else. 
At this point in my life I'm done with all of it. If you don't like it change the channel. 
Eventually I'll get over their lack of support and continued lack of support because I'll just stop caring. Somewhere along the way I'll just have to realize that you can't waste time caring about people who don't care about you. 
I always thought there was a strong possibility that when my mother passes someday the mico family I have will destingrate. She's the glue that's always held us all together for better or worse and the outcome of this situation has just confirmed that. 
I just can't pinpoint why I was under the delusion my niece cared at all. Perhaps it's because I've been diluted by watching other people's family dynamics. 
I am thankful that my mother and twin brother were there every step of the way. 
People are never what you expect them to be. They will always surprise you but not always in a good way. 
Who knows maybe I'll be surprised and she'll come around. But will I ever be able to trust again? No. 
What goads me about this entire situation was that yes, I went about expressing the way I felt the wrong way and apologized for that (something I seldom ever do) and somehow I'm still the villin in this poorly written soap opera. A part of me regrets being the first to apologize because I knew if I did I'd be giving everyone involved the right to blame me entirely. That's exactly what happened. Yes I said foolish and hurtful things on the Internet but that is hardly the same degree as abandoning blood when they are diagnosed with a terminal disease. 
It all just frustrates me. 
This will be part of what I'm leaving behind when we move into this new home. 
I'm done allowing people into my life who don't want me to feel good, who can't adress a problem and work through it for the greater good, people who just can't be people. 

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