Friday, September 13, 2013

I know what it's like to be at war with yourself

I signed up for overtime and thusly am wide awake on my day off at an hour I would be sleeping. Compounded by the fact that the person with disabilities I support went back to bed the minute I walked in the door and it only adds fuel to the fiery flame of my self-imposed sleepiness. 
I brought over Xanadu on the off chance he'd sit down and want to watch it so here I sit on my Saturday alone watching Xanadu at 8 in the morning. So it goes...
My tongue has caused me a tedious amount of attention and pain this week which does nothing to add to my already wavering emotional stability. 
Ever since my radiation therapy which caused one of my saliva glands to die making my mouth dry as a desert at night I almost always wake up with a new injury or soreness. My tongue gets stuck to my teeth and there's really no easy way to peel your tongue off your teeth without causing some kind of irritation. 
And although I know the cause of these injuries my mind always becomes clouded with all the "what ifs". 
It's always the side the cancer wasn't on so I was told (after many frantic visits to my oncologist) that if any of these sores were cancer it wouldn't be a reoccurrence. It would be a new cancer which is apparently highly unlikely. 
I was just like to get through a few month without having to think and worry about my tongue. 
On some level I've been preparing myself for it coming back despite all the reassurances that its highly unlikely. I figure if it comes back in any form this time I'll have them take my entire tongue so at the very least I won't have to worry about it anymore or constantly be going through tubes of oral gel and this prescription called magic mouth wash that contains every numbing agent imaginable.
Cancer aside as my title would suggest I feel I am at war with myself. With all this family drama and then drama thrust upon me by teenager acquaintances I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Every time i open my mouth I will undoubtedly offend someone and if I keep quiet I slowly begin to crumble inside. So do you continue the war, continue to fight or just give up?
I wasn't raised to be meek and quiet. I was raised to express my opinions and passions. But now it's as if even if its something at stupid and silly as  me superposing my face on a Miley Cyrus picture people have the cross and nails at the ready. 
I don't think I've bad to endure this much drama and judgement since high school. 
People are telling me repeatedly that if everyone is against you maybe it's you or maybe you should change. 
Why does it have to trickle down to me. Isn't there always the slight chance a group of people could be Wong because society promotes taking the popular opinion and agreeing with everyone else's opinion for protection?

No comments:

Post a Comment