Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I've got a war in my mind

Progress has been made on my own war in my mind. 
I haven't had any recent sores or burns on my tongue which gives my mind a chance to breath. A luxury I so rarely get to have. 
Cancer doesn't end when it's gone or you've survived. It's always there in the back of your mind but moments when my mouth is in as normal working order as it can be I can enjoy and feel the moments around me. 
Today I took the disabled man I support to a local book store run by a crotchety old man who brings to mind the book shop owner in the neverending story film. 
I had fun. I just let loose and didn't even have to force myself to or prompt myself to. 
When you're little I feel like your head is filled with more nonsense than anyone has the capacity to overcome. Your fed delusions daily as a child that when you grow up you can be anything you want, the stars are the limit. And it's this line of thinking that has in many ways made life so hard for me. They don't prepare you to accept reality and to realize that you mos. likely are going to be a Grammy winning recording artist or  highly sought after Broadway actor. They probably do this so you don't give up at the ripe old age of 5. 
They don't teach you that life is what you make it and sometimes just being alive is enough. And that's what cancer taught me.
No one can ever know for certain if my cancer will come back just as much no one can predict if when I walk outside I'll get hit by a bus or shot. But it's being alive and being able to do something as mundane as write a blog entry that no one will probably be able to read that make life worth it. 
Before cancer I saw my life as a constant struggle and annoyance. I was never where I "wanted" to be. I always wanted bigger, better, and when I got that I wanted even more. My life just couldn't be normal. My life and myself became my enemy. I was running around trying to pack in all could and to climb as many ladders as I could in hopes that this time or the time after that or the time after that my life would be something.  When in reality my life always has been. 
It's these moments of clarity that I'm most happy and don't feel like I have holes I'm trying to fill. 
Who knows what tomorrow holds but today I lived and that was pretty awesome. 

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