Phil Robertson

How anyone can think that this man expressing his hatred and misguided interpretations of the bible is beyond me.  I'm seeing all these memes and graphics on Facebook of people proclaiming they support his right to state his opinion or worse, comparing him to our president as if that's even possible. 

If anyone else had made the remarks regarding black people or homosexuals we, as a nation would be after them with pitch forks and torches. Is it because this man is clearly a red neck white piece of trash that it's OK and we don't expect anything more?  

We will condemn Miley Cyrus for twerking and acting in a suggestive manner but it's OK for this inbred to say racially insensitive things and to condemn homosexuals? 

Martin Luther King Jr would be turning his grave.  Does this person have the right to express and assert his opinion? Absolutely. But his not above criticism and condemnation.   If I had openly said on my Facebook all fat people are disgusting and do it to themselves I wouldn't hear the end of it.  I don't feel that way.  I was born naturally thin and have never had to watch my weight.  But I would face a never ending stream of condemnation and hatred.  

This person, I won't say man because a real man doesn't need to judge others to be one, deserves the same fate.  Heaven forbid a "human" suffer the consequences of his statements when he is on a tv show of such high quality and cultural importance...

Do I as a homosexual hate him? No.  I wouldn't expect anything less.  What I don't understand is people defending him like he's the Pope or some one else of mass influence. He's from a show about white trash that makes duck whistles.

Yes we all have the right to freedom of speech.  But we all face the same fate and repercussions of saying whatever we feel whenever we feel.

At what point

At what point do you give up? 

I have 3 people who I'm on the precipice of giving up on but I don't know if that is the right thing to do or if my feeling negative because of their actions is enough. 

The fist? Someone I've gotten close to fast and know it's as if I've become an annoyance.  Whenever I talk to them there is always some excuse to not hang out or spend time together even though I was sure we were friends. 

The second? A boy I've had a crush on since middle school who persists I'm making more of our brief time together than should be. I haven't made any demands or applied any pressure. I haven't tried to pressure him into a definition of what we are or aren't. I just generally enjoyed his company and genuinely enjoyed his company. Nothing less, nothing more...and suddenly because I reach out and text him I've become some sort of codependent monster.   I'm not meant to have friends lovers or brothers and I'd get into that but there's way too many people who can't wait for me to say something about my twin so they can stir the pot.

I give up. 

Gold

I'm slowly losing faith in this daycare I got hired at but have yet to start.  It's the first daycare I've ever gotten a job offer where you don't get hired and start the next day while you're waiting for your clearances to go through.  And with my clearances always take longer than most because I'm a male and haven't lived in a million different houses. 

Who knows. Maybe this time it will be quicker. But if I don't start by the end of the next week I'm going to have to start look for a new job which would be a shame because I REALLY want to work at this preschool. 

My community service is going well. I'm working with a great group of people and have been able to dress a few mannequins and change some of the store around. It restores my faith in people a little bit.

I'm always quite thrilled because my capcap came in the mail today. 

If you know me I refuse to drink water out of anything other than a nalgene bottle.  Well I recently purchased the brand new 48oz wide mouth bottle nalgene came out with.  It really makes a huge difference.  If I drink two full bottles out of this bottle I've more than reached my daily intake. But because it's a wide mouth even with the splash guard I still get the occasional crotch spill which makes it look as though I wet myself. Well the capcap screws on to the top of the wide mouth bottle and make it have a smaller opening. I love it. Completely genius. And I'm still swooning over my zerowater pitcher.  

All this time

Why hello 3 am. I and haven't missed you.  But thankfully law order svu is on and I remembered to fill my zerowater pitcher before I went to bed. 

Had an interesting day yesterday.  It took me forever to get to captain's treasures and for the first time ever I fish tailed and hit a yield sign. It wasn't that alarming.  What was alarming was that I counted 12

cars that passed me and didn't even hesistate to help me. I ended up getting unstuck. 

My drive  slightly more entertaining. I drove slowly and cautiously and every moron

who had an suv or a truck passed me like i was mentally challenged.

then.I'm maybe ten minutes from my house and there is an 18 wheeler almost on it's side and a cop crazily trying to perform magic to get it to stop and stopped all the other 18 wheelers that, judging from their facial expressions had been there for a while. And just when i was mimutes away i got stuck at the train tracks as the never ending train passed by at a snail's pase. 

It was fun at captains treasures. The day was slow. Well here's hoping i can go back to sleep.

It keeps getting better

I started my day by getting in some of my community service hours in and I have to say I'm really enjoying it.  I'm around mostly older women who think I'm "fabulous" and even though I'm not earning any dollar amount for my work it feels good to be giving back and to have the opportunity to give back. 

In my life I've taken a lot.  I'm not just talking about material things or shoplifting. I've taken a lot of people for granted including myself and I've made some really bad choices that probably wouldn't have been as bad if they didn't affect the people I care about most.

and I guess I never really had the opportunity to make it right or understood how to but this community service has given me that opportunity. 

If you've read my past few blog posts you'll note the underlying theme of family frustration and in venting and ranting I've been able to think and reflect a lot.  It's one thing when your thoughts are in your head.  It's a whole different story when they are in print right in front of your face.  

Why should my twin like me? I've forced him to work harder by getting fired (or in this latest issue of John ducks up monthly, got arrested) or losing my job.  And if I haven't given myself the chance to be a better person, to give myself some community service as it were, all he has seen is the bad parts of me.  That's all I've let a lot of family see of me.  I can't blame them for that.  That's my fault. I felt like they thought I was just a fuck up and on a subconscious and conscious level I just figured that's what I was suppose to be.  I never listened when I'd royally screw up time and time again, taking anything they (my family) said as further condemnation instead of sage advice.  I was defensive with them like I was with the people in the outside world because I had learned long ago that people are 9 times out of 10 going to be cruel and unkind and was apply the same rules to the very people who were there each and every time I fucked up.  

And my extended family- instead of being rational and telling them I felt I let it build up inside of me instead of giving them a chance to explain so I could understand.  That wasn't their fault that was mine and now I've caused seemingly irreparable damage with my youngest niece who I'd throw myself in fro t of a bus or a bullet for for the sake of what? Screaming and yelling like a toddler until I got to hear what I wanted to hear? I wouldn't want to be around me either.

In a strange way I'm happy this mess happened. I've learned a lot and I don't think if this had happened I would have. I would've continued down the both destructive and self destructive path I've been traveling since almost birth.

but in the words of the great Cher you can't the our back time.  I just have to keep pushing forward, making an effort and giving people something good to see for a change.

separate yourself

I adore this quote. This is exactly what I'm doing for many reasons I'd for another reason that the total lack of understanding where my family is concerned. 

My family believes I shouldn't write about my life since it's intertwined with their's. I disagree. Especially when certain family members believe they can treat others however they want because the individual treated them poorly when they were a child. 

I don't feel I have a family or at least by society's definition. 

I have a mother who completely and total supports me, even when I'm neck deep in shit and totally wrong. The rest? People waiting on the sidelines with a magnifying glass for me to make the slightest mistake so they can revel in my mistake. That does not a family make. 

And I'm not saying everyone in my family is like this but at this current juncture in my life most of my family has either chosen to completely turn their back to me and tolerate my presence for my mother's sake or are just pretending to enjoy my company for the same reason. 

Then you have two specific family members who have my mother on speed dial every time I write something in my blog or on Facebook that they don't like or feel that can get me in some sort of middle school trouble. 

My twin for example. And believe me, I use twin solely in the genetic terms. He can't wait for me to fuck up again so he can use it to his advantage to reaffirm his "squeaky" clean reputation which isn't that squeaky if you do a very light digging. He can't wait for the next moment he can judge me or prove that I'm worthless. But what's truly worthless in my opinion is his existence in my life. 

My mother asked me what am I going to do this Christmas? I said I have books and enough acting lessons to make anyone think I'm happy. I'll just keep quiet, keep my nose down and try to go ignored. At this point I don't want retribution or pity or understanding. I just want to be left alone. I'm happy with the new direction I'm moving in and my definition of success.  I don't need their approval on any level. 

It's as if the world has lost their minds and think because you happen to be blood related you owe those relatives something.

I'm making strides. No one wants to see or support them. Or believe them.  So what use do we have for each other? 

I'm breaking the cycle.  I know I can be a good person and I don't owe it to any of them.  My success hasn't been celebrated by anyone but my mother and I've come to the conclusion I might as well not even mention my twin since he's hardly my brother in any sense of the word and no one would guess we're related. There no since in acknowledging someone 

I don't accept

Having a twin, at least in my experience is like a really awful surprise party. The kind where none of you actual friends show up, they're serving food you can't even imagine ingesting and everyone got you the same present but no one has the gift receipt. In other words, it sucks completely and totally, in my experience. 

If you didn't know I am an identical twin.  You wouldn't know it by looking at or speaking to either one of us. Not only, now is it as if we're not related but from different planets. 

Perhaps I'd feel differently if we were anything alike but that would be like asking Ariel and Shrek to share a tent for a week.  I'm sure you can figure out who Ariel is in the scenario. 

People are always shocked when I remember to tell them I'm a twin and one if the first things ask me is are we alike? I always reply no, nothing alike in fact. Not even in how we're built.  Then I inevitably get tortured with some story about some pair of twins that they know that are inseparable and what a shame it is.

Well I can't help the fact we are completely and totally opposites. I did try to like him and to get him to like me for a long time but his approval would cost complete and total self abandonment which isn't worth it, especially if you're converting it to dollar amounts.

Besides, why is it such a shame. You'd be telling me that's completely normal if we weren't twins. And the more people you have in your personal life to witness or even be second party to your life the more likely you are to be betrayed.  Especially by someone who is allegedly "part" of you who puts himself on a pedestal so high god has to look down on him.  

He sends me a text this morning or last night, not sure which but he, albeit politely ranted and raved about how much it bothered him.that I wrote what I wrote for anyone to see and how he has "loyal" friends who look out for him (probably wasn't his friends at all but that's neither here nor there anymore).  Well when I politely texted back it's my place to vent and if he'd kindly stop treating me like an underling in person I'd have nothing to write about.  Well he didn't get the response he wanted so his texts quickly became a slightly higher form of cave man grunts with insults every dozen grunts or so.

I maintain that family is not a right its earned and you can't treat someone less than they deserve and expect not to atone for it in some way.  

"hello! am I bothering you? I just wanted to let you know you're officially terminated"

Today as I was finishing up the subbing I've been doing at a previous preschool i worked at I get a phone call from one of the superiors from the arc.  I figured he was calling because I had emailed him to let him know I couldn't pick up belongings as planned because I was busy but truly just because I didn't want to deal with it. Having to walk through the office with a scarlet letter stapled to my forehead "there's the lower who got arrested who is on unpaid administrative leave". I had a good day with the kids and was feeling pretty good and didn't want to spoil it. Well that wasn't he was calling about. He was calling to let me know I was "officially terminated" because I reached out to the guy I was working with to reassure him that due to circumstances beyond everyone's control i couldn't work with him anymore but that he was still my friend and I still cared for him. That he could call me anytime to hang out or talk. 

Well the bitch who answered his phone and tried to interfere with me speaking with him called this superior and made up a whole bunch of lies about how I was contacting her regularly to get information on the guy I was working with. 

I shouldn't be surprised by her actions. From the first day I met her i knew she was one of those people who thrives on drama. Most of the time I spent shadowing with her consisted of inhaling her secondhand smoke in the agencies' van while she was Facebook messaging people who were causing one problem or another and speaking to me as if I knew them. That her openness about her illicit drug use and constantly spreading rumors about any staff member that wasn't within ear shot. But me, being blessed enough to have a small part of my grandmother in me was naive enough to keep trying to seek out the good...even when she'd have to take her partial out to eat because meth had rotted out half her teeth.  

I basically laughed at him.  You really can't terminate someone who isn't getting paid. Clearly me losing this job was a gift. And she'll get hers. Like when her kids grow up and remember how mommy ignored them so she could sleep with her meth addicted boyfriend or that she completely ignored her autistic child's needs. 

Um...ok

So most of you know I have a problem with being early. I can't help it. I'm always early. I loathe the feeling of being late and I like to be prepared just in case some unforeseen circumstances disrupts everything. 

Well here I am sitting in the parking lot of the daycare where I'm going to have my second interview and the director just left...

that and I don't know if the guy I was suppose to go on a date with after my second interview is still planning on going out with me. It's been two days and I've heard nothing. 

God save me if my second interview gets rescheduled or canceled since in addition to having a talent of getting fired I also have a knack for having job offers being taking back. 

One of my goals I'm adding to my list is just expect the unexpected and then you'll never have to worry. After 27 years of roaming this little pebble we call each I've never met anyone more plan oriented or on time besides my mother. 

If I don't get this job today fast food here I come! Nothing will motivate me more to do my best than slapping a patty on a bun, asking my obese customer if they'd like fries with that or slapping taco meat into someone's shell and asking them crunchy or soft.

blehhh.   Things still aren't good at home either. They're slightly less volatile but my mother and I tried to have a discussion and it just turned into another argument.   Well cheers. Wish me luck!

Some people

I'm hoping and praying tomorrow I will get that preschool job tomorrow. After that I'm pretty much out of options or places to turn besides that in home daycare I've been subbing at which is only 3 hours a day. 

Things are awkward at my home to say the least. I can't even really remember what I said to my mother last night in my drunken stupor but we're barely acknowledging each other.  

Here's focusing my positive energy towards tomorrow. And i think I'm still going on a date with that guy after my second interview but I haven't heard from him and if I don't get the job I probably won't even want to go.

Can you be a better version of yourself?

I drank way too much last night.  I wouldn't say I'm hung over but I don't feel well and I feel worse about the blow up my mother and I had.  Alcohol has a wonderful way of bringing all your insecurities and worries to the surface and exploding them at the closest person. 

We both said things we didn't mean but it was like once the emotional vomit started spewing u couldn't stop. I needed my mother to say i give up on you because, truly I don't why she hasn't. 

I'm just so stressed about this job situation, getting turned down by yet another daycare and now all my hope hinges on my second interview for the school I really want to work at tomorrow. I can't even get a fast food joint to hire me. 

And I'm still chronically thinking about when I was sick and if it will come back. That exploded out too.  

So now my mother and I are at an impasse again. She wants nothing to do with me and I just don't want to hear that returning to my passion is a dead end and that the arc was where I should be working...As if that's a viable option.  They let me go, not the other way around. Sure I'm "welcome to come back in 6 months" but I hated it and ended up finding a way to make that job opportunity to collapse. 

Breaking the chain and not letting the noise of others in is a lot harder than I thought it would be. 

everyone is entitled to

So one of the two preschools I applied to has declined to have me as an employee. They didn't even have the decency to call me and let me know. The emailed me a generic, prefabricated , template rejection that had only my first name on it. 

 

I don't what made me not qualified or in line with what they're looking for and I tried to get that answer from the woman who interviewed me but she was conveniently unavailable. 

From the look of their employees when I was given the tour it didn't appear like there was any bar set for qualifications as almost every teacher in every room was locked on to her phone. 

Oh well. I've truly never heard anything good about the daycare itself and I knew in the back of my mind that it probably wasn't a good sign i was being interviewed by the new assistant director who had been there a few weeks and the daycare's director had just quit. 

I truly hope I get the job at the daycare I interviewed at yesterday. After that if that doesn't work out I'm out of options. 

I love how they say they'll keep your application on file for a year and call you if their staffing needs change. You rejected me once...why would I even consider working for you at a later date. 

I highly doubt this other person has 10 plus years of experience or any intention to stay. 

Onward and upward. 

Turn up the radio

I  came home from my interview today to find one of the big snails had escaped the aquarium. I thought for sure he was dead. I had no idea how long he was out of the water for or if he could survive the fall but I plopped him back in the aquarium and...nothing. I came back and few hours later and the idiot had survived. 

It got me to thinking, and yes I'm going to utilize my massive aquatic snail as catalyst for an introspective reflection. Would you expect anything less? He had escaped and failed. Fallen on his back with no way of righting himself and void of the essentials he depended on and if I hadn't gotten back when I did who knows if he would have made it? 

I escaped. One of several attempts but this time I made it. I escaped a job path chosen for me that brought me back to my true passion: teaching. 

I've been talking to this guy I've been interested in since middle school and by interested in I mean had a crush on like a middle school girl that never went away who magically appeared on my okcupid feed. And he said to me "that's great. You're following your dream. And keep following it until you have another dream"

In taking the job with the arc I justified it by saying I failed at teaching but I hadn't. I had just given up on it to please my family. Sometimes it can take a decade of getting thrown off the horse and getting back on and it happening a million more times before you achieve your dream. And after being on the other side of your dream, having more than enough time to look at it for what it really was I realize what a mistake it was to ever think working for the arc would ever work. For it to work it would've required the same elements I had been missing from teaching. Other people who cared, people who didn't just proclaim cotton candy cloud ideals but actually put them into place and people who weren't just looking for a project. 

From the whole shoplifting nightmare I learned a lot but the most important lesson I learned was that even though people in my life had given me more "chances" than anyone deserves I have never given myself the chance to be more than what people expected of me or told me to be  I just accepted what other people told me I was and what I could and couldn't do. 

Is being a preschool teacher my only dream? No. It's more of the ring of a dream catcher. It's the nucleus of many other dreams. A spiderweb if you will. It's attached to a lot of other dreams. Like making a difference, given children the chance to make a different choice on how they treat others and to in turn change how society operates. To show children there is no normal. That the idea of normal is a misnomer when it comes to people. That being different is the only way we can be normal. To show kids a boy doesn't have to play with trucks and grow up to build houses and lift heavy things. To show girls they don't have to bare 9 children and sit down and look pretty. 

At least if nothing else I learned, finally, how to give myself a chance, to cancel out everyone else's opinion of me and all the facets attached and a chance to really try. And keep trying until I succeed.

A.R.C J.O.K.E

The arc, wwhere I use to work is a total joke. How they can say they have the best intentions for the people they're "responsible" for and treat like human beings instead of animals or retards is beyond me. No wonder my mother never trusted my sister to one of these organizations. 

I was told when I was put on "extended administrative leave" was that they'd prefer I didn't talk with the guy I directly supported. Well given I ACTUALLY got to know him I knew if he didn't hear it from me that I wouldn't be working with him anymore (. Without the specifics) he would think either it was his fault

Or I didn't care about him or both. So I decided

To call him. The ignorant trashy douche who was my assistant manager tried to tell me I couldn't and I was like um pretty sure you can't control how he uses his phone. so she said call back in 15 minutes so i can call one of the superiors. So while she was busy trying to find a way to control his phone usage and by proxy treating him like a child I called the justice center which is like social services but for adults with disabilities.  They said not only did she not have the right to deny him a phone call but it constitued abuse. Needless to say i gladly gave them her first and last name and called back and told her what they said and i got to talk to him. I told him due to things beyond everyones control i couldnt work with him anymore.  It wasnt his fault, we were still friends, and he could call me anytime...all the while my former trashy assitant manager was swearing and cursing me out in the background....and im the one on leave.

well today i found a preschool i can totally give my heart and soul to and as long as i do well on my second interview thursday i have the job. They are even going to help me get my cda renewed.

things are starting to look up.

You're an asshole

Today was a rough day all around. I spent most of it alone because my family went to see my grandfather at his nursing home. I haven't been visiting him. Before it was because of my work schedule, lately it's because I don't want my brother saying something stupid in front of my grandfather like "John got arrested and fired!" Which he would have most likely done or for all has done but at least if he did I don't have to suffer

The embarrassment. 

It shouldn't be a shock to anyone that my family situation is on the rocks again and inevitably someone will share this with my mom or brother by seeking it out or happening

Upon it but that's the gamble you take when you share things publicly. My mother never hesitate to tell me she would never share anything about herself publicly like I do but she's from a completely different generation where people filled their closet with more skeletons than clothes. For me it's cathartic and when you don't have many people in your life you can talk to or who will pick up the phone its as if someone is listening. 

I'm completely heartbroken that I didn't help decorate the tree this year but from reading a place of yes I realized I needed to remove myself from the situation because I certainly wasn't getting anything out of it and anything I had to say would fall on deaf ears. 

So I've regained public enemy number 1 status by making a healthy choice for me. 

My mom can't expect me to sit in a room with someone who she has given a free pass to treat me anyway he likes let alone enjoy it. She and him say the same thing. "You've been mean to him for 27 years (I guess it started in utero) and now that he isn't taking it anymore you're just mad".  He parrots the same thing. Whether or not this is fact and despite the fact no one has the right to tell anyone they can treat someone horribly for any reason I do have the right to not be present. 

I'm breaking the chain. They think all these horrible things about me, constantly discuss me while I'm not present and when together rarely have two good words to rub together about me. I can't have this running through my mind and in front of me all the time. 

What I don't get is what on earth they would care at all if I'm present at all of I'm all these horrible things and my brother gets to treat me like an underling. 

I miss when my brother worked weekends. Then it was just me and my mom going out on

The weekends and I feel like she could see my clearer and all the noise my brother was radiating wasn't there. Now if I want to go out with my family on the weekends with my brother being present I have to basically shut up, stay as silent as possible or I'm a target for anything he chooses to fling at me. What's the point? 

I also don't understand how my flaws are the only ones that are noticed. The fact that my brother is arrogant, ignorant, and often mean goes ignored and when brought up is denied like I'm in a church claiming jesus wasn't the son of God. 

I have flaws, we all do. I can be bitchy, obnoxious, I have no filter among others but that's part of the puzzle that is John. 

I created a plan for myself and followed the first 2 steps of a place of yes. I identified all the noise and how I'm going to break the chain. Another thing I will have to pay dearly for with my family if they see it. 

The fact is, my mom who when my brother isn't present, is my everything, best friend, my rock, my cheerleader won't be here forever and I have to make a life I can sustain, enjoy and love and if that means going against what my brother thinks is right or my mother thinks is right so be it. But the time is now to start making changes. Good changes. And most importantly changes that are good for me. 

How the grinch stole christmas

My family Iis decorating the Christmas tree and it's as if I don't matter. Once again my twin has dominated a family tradition and instead of listening to christmas music or playing the yule log dvd I bought specifically for the this occasion he has a wrestling dvd playing. I stayed downstairs for about five minutes and realized if I said anything, had any kind of opinion or suggestion I'd be yelled at like a toddler by my brother and that what I thought would hold no meaning. And i figured what the hell is the point?

he doesn't even live in the house. He lives in the apartment attached to the house. Why can't he pollute his apartment with his convoluted ideas of what christmas should be. Where he can play as many wrestling dvds as he wants whilst decorating for the holiday season? 

Oh I forgot. He's the perfect one and by some subconscious or conscious allowance he gets to make whatever decision he wants regardless of how anyone else feels. 

It's times like these I wonder why? Why did I fight to live? Why am I considered part of a family who sees me as nothing more than a constant disappointment incapable of making good decisions. 

So here I sit on my bed watching new girl and my aquarium longing for more and for what life could actually be. 

My plan- become employed again, find a man worth having around, get married, move out and build a life where I'm not living in the shadow of who I was and where traditions matter and are maintained. Not brushed aside because the golden boy has decided to grace everyone with his presence and his self absorbed arrogance is tolerated and encouraged. 

Let me ask you would you want wrestling dvds playing as the soundtrack to your Christmas tree decorating?  I didn't think so. 

This will be the first year I haven't been part of the decorating of the tree and lately I'm caring about less and less. There seems so little point in life as society defines it and I see no reason to do anything other than lay on my heated blanket and watch new girl and my aquarium. 

The Christmas toy

The Christmas toy. Quite possibly my most favorite Christmas movie of all time. I found it on dvd after years of having not seen it. And it let me go back to that magical place and time where Christmas time seemed like there was magic everywhere. It inspired me to get out one of 2 toys I still have from my childhood that was my Christmas toy (if you watch the movie the favorite Christmas toy is called the Christmas toy).  I can still remember writing down this toy at the very top of my Christmas list. He was all I wanted from the time I saw the commercial. My christmas toy was a stuffed dog named Scamps. Perhaps if you're of my generation you'll remember him. He's a cuddly (and at this point well loved and not so fluffy) stuffed Grey and white dog. But that wasn't all. He was special. He came with this contraption that was sort of like a cane but a leash and you'd slide Scamps onto the cane/leash and when you pushed it he'd walk, flop up and down and squeak. I still remember the girl in the commercial snuggling with him at night. And that's exactly what I did for years. 

Scamps will always be one of my happiest moments. Unwrapping the paper and knowing Santa listened and I had this wonderful toy that still has his magic today. 

I will NOT

I refuse to believe our sole purpose in life is to work at a job you loathe for money and good benefits. 

I lost my job. If you've read my blog or are one of my friends you already know this. But I'm not sad I lost the job. The allure wasn't the job it's self rather what I could do at the job or at least try to do. 

I am sad I let my family down again but that's what they expect anyways so at least I delivered. But I'm clearing their noise from my mind. 

This was a sign that this job was never going to be for me. Sure, I had really good health benefits but what good are health benefits if you have nothing to live for because your job takes up all your time leaving you nothing in return but money and insurance. 

I'd sit on the couch many days because the man i worked with rarely wanted to do anything thinking to myself not only is this what my family defines as success but this is what I survived cancer for? To sit on a couch bored to tears doing nothing productive or at the very least active that I don't even want to be doing?

My definition of success is finding something you love to do and can get paid for. Who care what dondomination that is as long as your bills are covered?

I'm try to go back to my true passion and my truth , child care, but that's nothing more than a dead end to my family. And maybe it is but if I'm happy with it what difference does it make?

for anyone to expect me to want to go back to the arc after 6 months after their decision is insane. I had cancer. I may only have tomorrow or next year and I don't want to look back at when I was capable of doing things and say we'll you hated it but you made a lot of money and had amazing health insurance. I want to look back and see accomplishments and moments that were important to me and made me happy. 

And i can't stand the double standard betweenmy twin and I . I'm never going to be him. I don't want to be him, be like him, or even walk along the same path as him. We are two completely different people who see the world in two entirely different ways. 

He's always going to be the one who didn't do drugs, didn't need special care and attention because of his sexual orientation, the one who

Always makes the right choice and doesn't make mistakes. 

I'm always going to be the free spirit who screws up, tries things for the hell of it, enjoys drinking a bit too much but has ideals and a real passion. The one who can be told exactly what will happen if he makes a certain choice, do it anyways and only learn by it happening. 

I'm not looking for pitty, sympathy or empathy.Thats not what blog is about. It's a sounding bored with a mainly Alaska audience.  

I'm done with the noise of others and the complete and total lack of understanding who I am as a human being after knowing me for 27 years. I'm chasing my dreams and that will come with a cost but this is the last time I do anything to make someone else happy. 

All I ended up doing was beating myself up mentally and physically and completely and totally isolating myself. ...for money. I'd rather hook. And i understand how my family sees and perceives success but it's not how I do and whether or not my mom remembers, that's not how she raised us. 

Life is short and mine was almost really short and its time to go back to my love and truth. Regardless of the judgements and explicitly outbursted proclamations of disappointments. 

My mother is my nucleus. She's who I've tried to model myself after but one day she won't be here anymore and I need to do what makes me happy so I have something when she's gone. My twin will most likely either sever ties or try to control me when she's gone some day. I'll only have myself. And at the age of 27 I still have time to forge that path of what success means to me. 

I've had such little interest in what my twin thinks about me since I was 12. He will never be the man of the house or a father figure. In order to gain his approval I'd have to change my beliefs to match his and submit to his I'm holyer than tho arrogance. I don't submit to anyone or anything. He merely tolerates me and I wish he'd just perfectly annoy me so I could get use to being on my own. Like today at the mall where he waited for me to go to the bathroom and fill my water bottle like I'm some sort of toddler who needs constant supervision. In his eyes I always be a product of the mistakes I've made and who would want to be around that. 

And i know my mother loves me. But I can't tell what she really thinks of me.  She, too places heavy stock on the mistakes I've made but I think and hope she expects more out of me because we are virtually wired the same. But in truth I think she'll pass thinking I'm just going to continue to be one dark cloud of bad decision making, weak and codependent on external relief of reality and someone who never really loved her. When in truth she's been my life long idol. 

I always say Barbra Streisand is but what a lot of people don't know is that the entire reason I fell in love with Barbra was because at the ageof 5 or 6 I saw her on tthe TV and thought barbra was my mom. 

You can't make people see what you want them to or make them believe that you love them and have them on pedestal higher than heaven but you can love yourself find your dream and truth and follow it. And I'm doing that. I've got nothing to lose. 

an island never cries

To day was a decent day . I didn't aved a pile of dvds and cds I didn't want anymore but planned on selling to fye at some point sedentarytoday was the day I did it. I got two bo. s justthe next size up tapers for my ears. But I was brutally reminded of why I avoid retail establishments of any kind during the holiday season. It's as if poison has been injected in everyone's brain and turns them into feral beasts

I waited in line like I've done in the past to sell them the. tems and basically got sc. ded by an employee named Paul who stank of pot who screamed that I was going to have to wait out of line until there wasn't a line because he needed to ring out the regular customers. Well I politely said, disreg. ding his tone that I too am a regular customer and shop here (at fye) all the time even when it isn't the holidays and he persisted to tell me I wasn't a regular customer and I wasn't buying anything and he needed to pay attention to the people who were ,"actually spending money, not taking it".  So I politely said that's fine...your name is paul? While I'm waiting I'll just call customer service and tell them about your decorum and the fact you wreak of pot and how you're treating and classifying customers. Magically he could wait on me. At the end of the tally of all the things I had sold them which was a nice amount but nothing extravagant he asked me if I wanted cash or store credit. I politely and cheerfully replied I'll take cash since I'm not a regular customer and you said I'm taking money from you so I'll do just that and spend it elsewhere. 

I just dont understand how the holiday season brings out the absolute worst in people. If youre going to be a miserable shopper or miserable retail worker stay at home. Buy your

gifts online.

at any rate today was a nice distraction from me sitting at home worrying about what im going to do for work. Hopefully i'll get the teaching job at the preschool i interviewed with on friday and won't have to worry. And i have another interview monday for another daycare and sent my resumé into another daycare looking for floaters. I also submitted an application to two restuarants. 

Apparently i have the option to return to the arc in 6 months but i would really have to do some soul searching to see if thats the right move for me and if that is my truth. I just don't think i can support an organization that creates a dreamland for the folks we work with in which consequences apply but most of the time don't, that will allow an individual i work with punch me and chase me around with a butcher knife but i make one mistake and i get shown the door. 

I'll be frank and honest.  I didn't enjoy my job the way i did working with children. I was working with a man who had accepted a sedentary life because of the way his "amazing" staff had treated him.  I came in with a different attitude. I wanted to him to have quality to his life. I made so much progress with him and it wasnt even weighed on the scale of whether or not to continue my employment. Not to mention my assistant manager who only antagonized him and forced him to do things for her convince.  Not to mention she admitted she did drugs and was open about it. yet her i lay on my bed barred from talking to the man i worked with who cared and made progress with him but am not even allowed to talk to him.  Would you go back?

Alien

Well my job, the ARC, where I was ttaking care of one adult with disabilities decided to let me go. I was beyond shocked. It was as if someone had squeezed all the air out of my lungs and flipped my stomach inside out while simultaneously pulling it through my rectum. 

Regardless of the judge's ruling the ARC decided there was still some degree of risk that I would take something from the gentlemen I work with because I was accused of but not charged with or found guilty of petty larceny. And regardless of the fact that there wasn't so much as penny missing from his money, a pill out of place, in fact if anything I gave him so many things. 

I'm technically not "fired", they continued my unpaid administrative leave for 6 more months. Probably as a shrewd attempt to try and prevent me from collecting unemployment but I know I'll be able to and hopefully I won't even need to cross that bridge. 

Will I go back in 6 months?  Most likely not. I don't function well with hypocrisy, especially when it's so flagrant. I should have just stayed in daycare. Same results as so many schools I 

Worked at. 

I said to the second highest superior who was totally in my corner and advocated for me that I just can't wrap my mind around the decision for the mere fact that all the work I've done with the gentleman I've worked with will be unraveled and I won't even be able to let him know it wasn't my decision to not work with him anymore. 

But I'm moving on. My passion has always been working with children and perhaps this was the universe's way of telling me it's time to move on. To move back to what is my passion and my truth

It’s just you and me Sometimes it feels like there’s three of us in here baby So I, wait for you to call And I try to act natural have you been thinking ’bout her or about me And while I wait I put on my perfume, yeah I want it all over you I gotta mark my territory I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfum

I woke up at 5 am for no reason. Well probably because the fate of my employment is still hanging in the balance. The choice seems pretty cut and dry . It was exsponged. I still don't have a record because I wasn't convicted of crime why there is still a question as to whether or not I should still be employed there I have no idea. The lawyer and even the judge couldn't understand why my current place of employment would consider terminating me as what I was charged with isn't remotely related to my profession and I was acquitted of it. 

BIt I'm not worry about anymore. I already have one preschool interested in me and another preschool interview today. 

Speaking of interested in me a guy I grew up with who I had a crush on from middle school all the way through college is interested in me.I would have never dreamed in a million years that he'd pop up in my okcupid feed as a match. Hes exactly what ive been looking for. Open mminded, artistic, spiritual and intelligent. I'm coming from a place of yes. I just want to see where it goes and enjoy his company. It will go in whatever direction it goes and I'm happy for that.

invisible

Sitting at the main office of the building of my current job (or soon to be former job) to turn in the court's decision. The court basicalky threw it out but its still at my job's discretion as to whether or not I'll still be employed here.  

It's as if I'm invisible. So much for confidentiality. I only told a handful of coworker what actually happened and of course my second highest superior but somehow it would appear that the entire administrative office was given a memo on the subject. My evidence? People i know in the administrative office have either looked at me like my dog died or aren't even looking at or acknowledging my existence. So much for guilty until proven innocent and for being truthful. Both lessons we have drilled into our head our entire lives that don't actually mean anything. The court decided im not guilty. But as the moments pass as i wait to speak with my second highest superior i beginning to think what i thought all along- no matter what the court's decision is my job is a thing of the past. 

If they choose to fire me despite the court ruling I truly have nothing to worry about. I have 3 different preschools that want me  so one way or the other I'll have a job. 

I maintain that what I did wasn't right by any means but it's not as if I murdered someone or robbed a liquor store. Not mention the crime I was accused of I wasn't charged with. 

In reading Bethenny Frankel's book, a place of yes, this is where breaking the chain comes into play. 

It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks of me. I'm a good person who made a mistake but in my time here I've shown my capabilities and skills and I need to break the chain of expecting other people to realize and appreciate that. I recognize and appreciate that. There's never going to be a job on this entire planet where you are ever truly valued and there is never going to be a place in this world where you are considered good or appreciated as much as you should be. 

I hear the train a comin' It's rolling round the bend And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when, I'm stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin' on But that train keeps a rollin' on down to San Antone..

Today's the day. My court date. Which will not only determine what I will be charged with, if anything and if I get to keep my current job. I'm nervous but not as nervous as I thought I'd be. I'm more relieved that it's here and I won't be stuck in this purgatory of immobility. 

But to start off my day and because I've needed some source of income since I've been on unpaid administrative leave and the water testing job turned out to be more or less a scam I will be plunking my ass down and taste testing soda this morning. 

The daycare interview went amazingly well so I do have a back up plan if my current job decides to terminate me. The daycare wants me, they loved my portfolio but just don't have a start date yet. 

I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something is starting right now

Yesterday was just tedious and tiresome . It started with realizing my brand new car charger from my phone had reached an untimely fate...I guess upon unplugging it the night before I had accidentally let it land in a cup of soda in my car. I put it in my air vent to let it dry out but even after it dried out it was dead in the worst and most complete way. Which wouldn't really have mattered if the water company I've been working at didn't have me driving all over creation and I wasn't so directionally challenged and relied on my phone's gps app. 

Then I ended up testing my cousins water which was fun but after I had to find a car charger to get back to the office and I had left my wallet at home so I had to find a Verizon store and fast. Well after 3 false leads from Verizon's own gps I finally found on in time to get stuck in 5 o'clock traffic on my way back to the office where I essentially trolled old phone lists we had to find more people to test their water and only managed to get one elderly woman to pick up who kept thinking I was saying I wanted to test her washer. 

Then I went on my final appointment which I thought for sure would amount in sale and it didn't. I just went home completely defeated. 

But today is a new day and I have an interview for an after school teaching position. I couldn't be more excited. Even if they don't want me getting to be back in the environment is food for my soul. 

Tomorrow is my court date and the fate of my job will be decided but the court's decision. I'll just be glad for this whole episode to be over so I can move on one way or the other. 

I just have a great feeling about today and I'm definitely coming from a place of yes. 

I know the validity of self help books in general is scoffed at by a lot of people but reading Bethenny Frankel's book, a place of yes has really helped me take a good hard look at myself. And more importantly a good hard healthy look at myself. 

In the words of Ariel I don't when I don't know how but something is starting right now and it's going to be great. 

Monday, Monday

AAnother Monday. 2 days until my court date, one day until my interview for an after school teaching position and possibly 3 days until I find out if I lose my current job. 

Its Mondays like this that are especially hard to find a reason to get up. I just wish I could Fast forward to Wednesday,  hear what the ruling will be and then report back to my current job, have them make a decision so I can move on instead of feeling like I'm floating in some sort of void. 

Today I will be testing two families' water and I've almost sold a unit at 2 out of 3 of my appointments. Not just because this is my current trade, but I would really like to have one of the water systems in my house. It just makes sense. Especially after I test your water and you what's in it. And what it actually looks like. 

I do have to say my faith in where I currently work letting me keep my job is so diminished I won't be gobsmacked if they say ,"we're going to let you go".  Maybe it's time to return to teaching. Where I really belong. 

HE JUMPED SHIP!

I done know if any of what I'm going to write here because my brain has been jelly lately and I don't proof read let alone go back and reread my entries unless I'm trying to find a particular something I wrote because someone either didn't understand it or claimed I wrote something different. BUT I got some new friends for my Betta fish, Gandalf. Well not friends exactly. I originally got a blue mystery snail to put in the tank 

Because every other snail I've had has been ssomewhat fascinating to watch and quite active and because they eat algae and clean up the tank. Well the blue mystery snail I got is ridiculously boring. So I got a gold mystery snail which I had before and named him Saurmon like the previous one I had and he's as exciting as a snail can get. He gets himself into some pretty ridiculous positions that he seems to enjoy. He's pictured up at the top. He resembles a big booger but a cute big booger. 

Then I got 3 African dwarf frogs. I originally got one but it just hid all the time and I read online they're more comfortable in pairs so I got two more. Still really boring unless you happen to wake up during the night, then they're zipping around. 

Well because they hide they're hard to find in the tank during the day. So for the past two days I could only find two. Well this morning I got up ridiculously early and there were two zipping around so now I'm pretty sure one jumped ship, or the aquarium as it were. I'm dreading finding it considering they are completely aquatic and he will basically be a dried up flat frog. 

Oh the joys of having an aquarium. 

weird

It's so strange to be In a new house/home. It just hit me now. Albeit I'm a bit tipsy from several vodka shots but as I came upstairs to my floor of the new house with left over apple pie clasped tightly in my hand with a heavy amount of whipped topping. 

I stopped by the house I grew up in for no other than purpose than to see if my law and order svu season 13 was still there. It was strange. I had spent my entire life in that house. And all that was left was the debris of a life that was left behind. I didn't and still haven't located my season 13 of law and order svu but it hit me. This is no longer your home. My former room lay bare and cold. Empty except the items I discarded and my betta fish, Falcore who didn't survive the move and memories. Memories everywhere. The first boy I had over. The first boyfriend who slept over. The 5 months I spent bed ridden from cancer, isolated in one spot, discarded and forgotten by so many. 

I don't think I'd have a moment but I did. The pain, the pleasure,  the good and the bad. It was all there before me. But I'm not sad. I didn't cry which even surprised myself because I can cry at the drop of a hat. 

This new home feels right. And in many ways has helped with my healing process of the biological and mental terrorist that cancer was. That and the years of torment Clifton Park served. It was time to move on long ago. 

Of course there are ghosts that will follow you no matter where you go. But they are lessened here. I'm not coming home to the room that turned into a cell of sorts. 

My upcoming court case is of course weighing heavily on my mind and sole but not for my sake but the sake of my family. But even with that there are so many opportunities before me that there is tangible hope within reach. 

All I want for christmas....is apparently nothing I actually want

I'm on the precipice of losing my job and starting another, I'm completely penniles, got screwed of by Ben son's pet center again for a position there because the manager was too lazy to look at my over qualified resume and the mere fact that I've shopped there since I was 4 (so much for supporting local businesses. I'm stopping that practice right now) and I'm amidst frantic shoppers surrounded by amazing deals that I can't partake in. It's quite depressing. 

I rread thought this would be the Christmas where I could finally get my family nice gifts and something nice for myself but alas once again I'll be the tool bag who can't get anyone anything. Maybe I'll be in the spirit after my court date and when my job decides if I'm being terminated or not. Until then consider me scrooge. 

Happy thanksgiving or as like to call it the beginning of the end for the Native Americans

Happy Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it the beginning of the end for the Native Americans.
I'll be spending this Thanksgiving in our new home. I love it. I've never really cared for going out on Thanksgiving. Where ever we would go it would be crowded and I'd run into at least a baker's dozen of ignorant people who, although it's a holiday would still find ways to make fun of me or openly yell slurs in my direction.
My court date got postponed. It will be next Wednesday. I'd say this gives me another week to worry about it but I'm not worried anymore. It will be what it will be and my lawyer is confident it will be ex sponged.
That and besides the dreadful water testing company I've been working for I have 2 interviews for preschools and a pet store just in case my job decides to terminate me regardless of what the court says.
I WILL CLARIFY AGAIN I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY JOB for the mere fact that you never know who is going to read what you put out into the universe and I know my fair share of people who would twist whatever I say for their own personal gain or to just cause drama because it feeds their empty lives.
In aquarium news (which I'm pretty sure no one cares about! Lol! But I find it fascinating) I got 2 more African dwarf frogs to keep Gimli company. Unfortunately I can no longer tell which one is Gimli anymore because they're identical but they all seem much more content with more than one frog in the tank. I've also added a golden mystery snail which is the type of snail I had before when I had that godforsaken goldfish tank and they murdered him. His name was Saurmon so this snail will also be named Saurmon. The blue mystery snail is ridiculously content sitting in one spot and exceedingly boring but Saurmon is much more active.
I've finally made a new friend. We met by happenstance. I was leaving to go to one of the water testing job's functions and she happened to be getting out of her car at the same time. She introduced herself and I invited her over and she's just simply lovely. We have so much in common it's ridiculous.
The first time she came over we took turns playing vinyl and just talking. It was bliss.
I've been so wound up with the move and my job I may or may not get fired from because of how time consuming it is and it was just nice to let my hair down and finally open up to someone.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

I go back to black

The day after tomorrow I face the first part of my fate. Who knows what the court will decide and if what they decide will have any effect on the decision of whether or not I get to keep my job.
Today I went to the new job I got just in case I do get fired and while I had fun at the training the job itself is impossible.
My income is completely dependant on making 10 house visits a week to test their water. If I don't test 10 people's houses in a week I get paid nothing. I'm going to continue with the training and hopefully I either won't get fired or I'll get hired at this daycare I applied to who wants to interview me December 8th. Or the pet store I applied to will hired me. It's only part time but it's better than not knowing if you're going to make a paycheck each week.
I got Gandalf, my betta fish, some companions today. I got an aquatic mystery snail (why they call it a mystery snail I have no clue) and an African dwarf frog. I named the frog Gimli. Although I don't have much faith in his survival. Maybe he needs time to acclimate but I always get nervous when they won't eat. The snail, who remains nameless will have plenty to eat between the algae wafers I have and the algae that will accumulate in the tank.
I also had to get a new heater because the other heater I was using that was labeled "up to five gallons" really didn't seem to make the water warm. I returned two betta heaters I had, the afromentioned one and another one I had to get a really nice one where you set the temperature. It's set at 80 degrees and has finally reached that and Gandalf is quite peppy again.
When he first noticed the snail and Gimli it was hysterical. He just kept staring at them, would poke them and then stare at them again.
He certainly is the strangest betta I've ever had. He likes to go over to the filter and wrap himself around it and let it such on him. He also likes to lay on the fake plants.
I managed to a new friend and she lives across the street. I met her on my way to my new job today as I was getting into my car and she's coming over tomorrow. We both collect vinyl. I'm very excited to have someone over who I can share things with. I do hope we become close.
My faith may be wavering but I'm not beating myself up about it anymore. I did what I did. It's just the waiting that makes me feel like I'm going back to black.

Don't be insecure

It's another day but one day closer to my court day where my fate will be decided in more ways than one.
I know society expects someone who has done something unequivocally wrong to beat themselves up about it, to beg for forgiveness and commit other various acts of self loathing but I'm done with that portion of this experience.
I'm owning it and have owned it and there's nothing left to do but dust myself off and head in the right, well no, a better direction. No one can define "the right" path anymore than someone can define normal. It's all relative and completely subjective and no two people are working with the same variables.
I want to keep my job but yesterday I realized with a lot of help from a new book I've started reading, a place of yes by Bethenny Frankel, that I need to be realistic and start looking for a new job just in case. I am deserving of a job regardless of my actions.
I have a promising lead and probable interview for a local preschool and submitted an application to another local preschool establishment.
Today is my older brother's birthday and they're celebrating here and it will be awkward considering my current predicament but I'm coming from a place of yes and I'm not repenting anymore. 

Too much of nothing

Another day has gone bye and I feel more and more useless with each passing hour. I went on a job interview today and I got the job but we figured out it's probably a scam. Let me just clarify I'm only looking for other jobs in the event that where I currently work does choose to fire me.
I've applied to just about every ad on Craigslist that I think I'm even slightly capable of doing but to no avail.
I just feel deep down that no matter what the result of the court case they are going to terminate me and I can't waste time being unemployed.