Some people

I'm hoping and praying tomorrow I will get that preschool job tomorrow. After that I'm pretty much out of options or places to turn besides that in home daycare I've been subbing at which is only 3 hours a day. 

Things are awkward at my home to say the least. I can't even really remember what I said to my mother last night in my drunken stupor but we're barely acknowledging each other.  

Here's focusing my positive energy towards tomorrow. And i think I'm still going on a date with that guy after my second interview but I haven't heard from him and if I don't get the job I probably won't even want to go.

You're an asshole

Today was a rough day all around. I spent most of it alone because my family went to see my grandfather at his nursing home. I haven't been visiting him. Before it was because of my work schedule, lately it's because I don't want my brother saying something stupid in front of my grandfather like "John got arrested and fired!" Which he would have most likely done or for all has done but at least if he did I don't have to suffer

The embarrassment. 

It shouldn't be a shock to anyone that my family situation is on the rocks again and inevitably someone will share this with my mom or brother by seeking it out or happening

Upon it but that's the gamble you take when you share things publicly. My mother never hesitate to tell me she would never share anything about herself publicly like I do but she's from a completely different generation where people filled their closet with more skeletons than clothes. For me it's cathartic and when you don't have many people in your life you can talk to or who will pick up the phone its as if someone is listening. 

I'm completely heartbroken that I didn't help decorate the tree this year but from reading a place of yes I realized I needed to remove myself from the situation because I certainly wasn't getting anything out of it and anything I had to say would fall on deaf ears. 

So I've regained public enemy number 1 status by making a healthy choice for me. 

My mom can't expect me to sit in a room with someone who she has given a free pass to treat me anyway he likes let alone enjoy it. She and him say the same thing. "You've been mean to him for 27 years (I guess it started in utero) and now that he isn't taking it anymore you're just mad".  He parrots the same thing. Whether or not this is fact and despite the fact no one has the right to tell anyone they can treat someone horribly for any reason I do have the right to not be present. 

I'm breaking the chain. They think all these horrible things about me, constantly discuss me while I'm not present and when together rarely have two good words to rub together about me. I can't have this running through my mind and in front of me all the time. 

What I don't get is what on earth they would care at all if I'm present at all of I'm all these horrible things and my brother gets to treat me like an underling. 

I miss when my brother worked weekends. Then it was just me and my mom going out on

The weekends and I feel like she could see my clearer and all the noise my brother was radiating wasn't there. Now if I want to go out with my family on the weekends with my brother being present I have to basically shut up, stay as silent as possible or I'm a target for anything he chooses to fling at me. What's the point? 

I also don't understand how my flaws are the only ones that are noticed. The fact that my brother is arrogant, ignorant, and often mean goes ignored and when brought up is denied like I'm in a church claiming jesus wasn't the son of God. 

I have flaws, we all do. I can be bitchy, obnoxious, I have no filter among others but that's part of the puzzle that is John. 

I created a plan for myself and followed the first 2 steps of a place of yes. I identified all the noise and how I'm going to break the chain. Another thing I will have to pay dearly for with my family if they see it. 

The fact is, my mom who when my brother isn't present, is my everything, best friend, my rock, my cheerleader won't be here forever and I have to make a life I can sustain, enjoy and love and if that means going against what my brother thinks is right or my mother thinks is right so be it. But the time is now to start making changes. Good changes. And most importantly changes that are good for me. 

I will NOT

I refuse to believe our sole purpose in life is to work at a job you loathe for money and good benefits. 

I lost my job. If you've read my blog or are one of my friends you already know this. But I'm not sad I lost the job. The allure wasn't the job it's self rather what I could do at the job or at least try to do. 

I am sad I let my family down again but that's what they expect anyways so at least I delivered. But I'm clearing their noise from my mind. 

This was a sign that this job was never going to be for me. Sure, I had really good health benefits but what good are health benefits if you have nothing to live for because your job takes up all your time leaving you nothing in return but money and insurance. 

I'd sit on the couch many days because the man i worked with rarely wanted to do anything thinking to myself not only is this what my family defines as success but this is what I survived cancer for? To sit on a couch bored to tears doing nothing productive or at the very least active that I don't even want to be doing?

My definition of success is finding something you love to do and can get paid for. Who care what dondomination that is as long as your bills are covered?

I'm try to go back to my true passion and my truth , child care, but that's nothing more than a dead end to my family. And maybe it is but if I'm happy with it what difference does it make?

for anyone to expect me to want to go back to the arc after 6 months after their decision is insane. I had cancer. I may only have tomorrow or next year and I don't want to look back at when I was capable of doing things and say we'll you hated it but you made a lot of money and had amazing health insurance. I want to look back and see accomplishments and moments that were important to me and made me happy. 

And i can't stand the double standard betweenmy twin and I . I'm never going to be him. I don't want to be him, be like him, or even walk along the same path as him. We are two completely different people who see the world in two entirely different ways. 

He's always going to be the one who didn't do drugs, didn't need special care and attention because of his sexual orientation, the one who

Always makes the right choice and doesn't make mistakes. 

I'm always going to be the free spirit who screws up, tries things for the hell of it, enjoys drinking a bit too much but has ideals and a real passion. The one who can be told exactly what will happen if he makes a certain choice, do it anyways and only learn by it happening. 

I'm not looking for pitty, sympathy or empathy.Thats not what blog is about. It's a sounding bored with a mainly Alaska audience.  

I'm done with the noise of others and the complete and total lack of understanding who I am as a human being after knowing me for 27 years. I'm chasing my dreams and that will come with a cost but this is the last time I do anything to make someone else happy. 

All I ended up doing was beating myself up mentally and physically and completely and totally isolating myself. ...for money. I'd rather hook. And i understand how my family sees and perceives success but it's not how I do and whether or not my mom remembers, that's not how she raised us. 

Life is short and mine was almost really short and its time to go back to my love and truth. Regardless of the judgements and explicitly outbursted proclamations of disappointments. 

My mother is my nucleus. She's who I've tried to model myself after but one day she won't be here anymore and I need to do what makes me happy so I have something when she's gone. My twin will most likely either sever ties or try to control me when she's gone some day. I'll only have myself. And at the age of 27 I still have time to forge that path of what success means to me. 

I've had such little interest in what my twin thinks about me since I was 12. He will never be the man of the house or a father figure. In order to gain his approval I'd have to change my beliefs to match his and submit to his I'm holyer than tho arrogance. I don't submit to anyone or anything. He merely tolerates me and I wish he'd just perfectly annoy me so I could get use to being on my own. Like today at the mall where he waited for me to go to the bathroom and fill my water bottle like I'm some sort of toddler who needs constant supervision. In his eyes I always be a product of the mistakes I've made and who would want to be around that. 

And i know my mother loves me. But I can't tell what she really thinks of me.  She, too places heavy stock on the mistakes I've made but I think and hope she expects more out of me because we are virtually wired the same. But in truth I think she'll pass thinking I'm just going to continue to be one dark cloud of bad decision making, weak and codependent on external relief of reality and someone who never really loved her. When in truth she's been my life long idol. 

I always say Barbra Streisand is but what a lot of people don't know is that the entire reason I fell in love with Barbra was because at the ageof 5 or 6 I saw her on tthe TV and thought barbra was my mom. 

You can't make people see what you want them to or make them believe that you love them and have them on pedestal higher than heaven but you can love yourself find your dream and truth and follow it. And I'm doing that. I've got nothing to lose.