Don't be insecure

It's another day but one day closer to my court day where my fate will be decided in more ways than one.
I know society expects someone who has done something unequivocally wrong to beat themselves up about it, to beg for forgiveness and commit other various acts of self loathing but I'm done with that portion of this experience.
I'm owning it and have owned it and there's nothing left to do but dust myself off and head in the right, well no, a better direction. No one can define "the right" path anymore than someone can define normal. It's all relative and completely subjective and no two people are working with the same variables.
I want to keep my job but yesterday I realized with a lot of help from a new book I've started reading, a place of yes by Bethenny Frankel, that I need to be realistic and start looking for a new job just in case. I am deserving of a job regardless of my actions.
I have a promising lead and probable interview for a local preschool and submitted an application to another local preschool establishment.
Today is my older brother's birthday and they're celebrating here and it will be awkward considering my current predicament but I'm coming from a place of yes and I'm not repenting anymore. 

Too much of nothing

Another day has gone bye and I feel more and more useless with each passing hour. I went on a job interview today and I got the job but we figured out it's probably a scam. Let me just clarify I'm only looking for other jobs in the event that where I currently work does choose to fire me.
I've applied to just about every ad on Craigslist that I think I'm even slightly capable of doing but to no avail.
I just feel deep down that no matter what the result of the court case they are going to terminate me and I can't waste time being unemployed.

I feel good, I walk alone But then I trip by myself and I fall I, I stand up, and then I'm okay But then you print that shit That makes me want to scream

The job hunt continues. I went all over Clifton Park and basically no one is hiring. I did find a few day care establishments who are looking to hire and my resume will show I'm more than qualified for any position than may have.
Let me clarify I'm only looking for a job in the event that I get terminated. I can't wait for a grenade to explode in my lap before I take action and do what's best for me.
I've received a shocking amount of support from fellow coworkers that means more than words can express. Especially considering I did something unquestionably wrong even if it wasn't out of malicious intent or frivolity.
Well all except one. One coworker who I thought I had developed a close relationship with who is telling people she just thinks I'm going to be terminated. It's really disappointing. Especially when no one can have anyway to predict the outcome. I'll admit that I feel I don't deserve sympathy but I know I don't deserve disrespect or to aid anyone in gossip mongering.
We live in a world where we've lost all sense of humanity.

" You can’t have my heart
And you won't use my mind but
Do what you want (with my body)
Do what you want with my body
You can’t stop my voice cause
You don't own my life but
Do what you want (with my body)
Do what you want (with my body)"

Hello darkness, my old friend

Today I have a job interview for some water testing compan. I'm kind of just resolved to the fact that the out come of my case will not affect my current job standings and I don't have time to waste.

Needless to say I'm not looking forward to the interview or even the job although water safety has always been one of my geeky interests. 

And to make matters worse y mother and I ended up havin a blow up argument last night that wasn't fair to her. I just kind of exploded out all the things that are wrong I. Her direction so this morning is awkward. 

You know me! When a situation is at it's absolute worst I always manage to find a way to make it worse!

It's times like these I truly wish I were a vampire. They can goto sleep for 50 years. Right now would be an excellent time to start a 50 year nap. 

I wrote an email to the woman essentially in charge of my fate at my current place of employment (I think I'm repeating myself) but I received no response and she doesn't seem like the kind of person who let's emotion get in the way of her decisions. This is why I feel as though my fate is sealed. 

But who knows what this interview at this water testing establishment could bring. Maybe untold opportunities? Maybe a higher pay rate? And it's right in town so I'd save on gas and it's full time. 

At the very least if I get hired it will be nice to have income while I'm waiting to hear back from my other job. 

Clearly I want the job I have back. Technically I haven't lost it, I'm on administrative leave. And I suppose it plays to my favor that they didn't just fire me right out the gate although they could've just done that as a way to avoid legal issues later on. 

I wish I knew if it was legal to fire someone if they are charged with a lesser crime in court that has nothing to do with their job and the crime it's self didn't take place while working and hasn't happened any other time during your employment. Guess I'll find out after thanksgiving. Nothing like waiting on the chopping block. 

After the interview I'll probably come home and just go back to bed. 

I don't feel like doing anything else. And I'm pretty much useless. I've sent out my resume to a bunch of place and preschools to no avail. 

Perhaps I'll continue my job search.