How the grinch stole christmas

My family Iis decorating the Christmas tree and it's as if I don't matter. Once again my twin has dominated a family tradition and instead of listening to christmas music or playing the yule log dvd I bought specifically for the this occasion he has a wrestling dvd playing. I stayed downstairs for about five minutes and realized if I said anything, had any kind of opinion or suggestion I'd be yelled at like a toddler by my brother and that what I thought would hold no meaning. And i figured what the hell is the point?

he doesn't even live in the house. He lives in the apartment attached to the house. Why can't he pollute his apartment with his convoluted ideas of what christmas should be. Where he can play as many wrestling dvds as he wants whilst decorating for the holiday season? 

Oh I forgot. He's the perfect one and by some subconscious or conscious allowance he gets to make whatever decision he wants regardless of how anyone else feels. 

It's times like these I wonder why? Why did I fight to live? Why am I considered part of a family who sees me as nothing more than a constant disappointment incapable of making good decisions. 

So here I sit on my bed watching new girl and my aquarium longing for more and for what life could actually be. 

My plan- become employed again, find a man worth having around, get married, move out and build a life where I'm not living in the shadow of who I was and where traditions matter and are maintained. Not brushed aside because the golden boy has decided to grace everyone with his presence and his self absorbed arrogance is tolerated and encouraged. 

Let me ask you would you want wrestling dvds playing as the soundtrack to your Christmas tree decorating?  I didn't think so. 

This will be the first year I haven't been part of the decorating of the tree and lately I'm caring about less and less. There seems so little point in life as society defines it and I see no reason to do anything other than lay on my heated blanket and watch new girl and my aquarium. 

Freedom

This quote couldn't hit closer to home or be truer for me.

In so many ways I lost it all. 

I lost my ideals, my dreams, things I had that I didn't even know I had or wanted, and the life I knew. 

When I took the career path I'm currently on I'll be honest. It was a last resort. The child care field had blown up in my face again and I was running out of time and money. 

I kept searching for a teaching job to no avail. Had even been offered one and had it taken away. 

I knew of I took this career path I'd be saying good bye to so may things I loved and cherished: theater, my love of children, my mission to change their lives, and so many parts of who I was. 

I had lost it all. 

But I didn't. Yes, theater is on the back burner, but I've never felt so free and like I have an actual path. 

For ten years I devoted my life to caring for and educating other people's children in vain. I wanted to make a difference and couldn't no matter how hard I tried and frantically searched for other things to fill the void. 

And a large part of my life was dedicated to avenging the me I was in high school who was robbed of so many opportunities. 

My life wasn't making any difference. I was tethering myself to so many things trying to feel good, trying to feel free, trying to feel something. And all I was doing was spiraling out of control. 

I made the right choice. I am making a difference every day and it's being noticed. What's more is I'm making a path for my life.

Sometimes it does take losing it all to feel free. And to realize that what you thought you were meant to do wasn't what you were suppose to do at all.