weird

It's so strange to be In a new house/home. It just hit me now. Albeit I'm a bit tipsy from several vodka shots but as I came upstairs to my floor of the new house with left over apple pie clasped tightly in my hand with a heavy amount of whipped topping. 

I stopped by the house I grew up in for no other than purpose than to see if my law and order svu season 13 was still there. It was strange. I had spent my entire life in that house. And all that was left was the debris of a life that was left behind. I didn't and still haven't located my season 13 of law and order svu but it hit me. This is no longer your home. My former room lay bare and cold. Empty except the items I discarded and my betta fish, Falcore who didn't survive the move and memories. Memories everywhere. The first boy I had over. The first boyfriend who slept over. The 5 months I spent bed ridden from cancer, isolated in one spot, discarded and forgotten by so many. 

I don't think I'd have a moment but I did. The pain, the pleasure,  the good and the bad. It was all there before me. But I'm not sad. I didn't cry which even surprised myself because I can cry at the drop of a hat. 

This new home feels right. And in many ways has helped with my healing process of the biological and mental terrorist that cancer was. That and the years of torment Clifton Park served. It was time to move on long ago. 

Of course there are ghosts that will follow you no matter where you go. But they are lessened here. I'm not coming home to the room that turned into a cell of sorts. 

My upcoming court case is of course weighing heavily on my mind and sole but not for my sake but the sake of my family. But even with that there are so many opportunities before me that there is tangible hope within reach. 

"was always told to be a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom.”

Well we're finally in the new house. I love it but between having to stay late for work until 12:30 and coming to our new home with things that should've been put in my room put in my entertainment room instead and vice versa, my mattress on the floor bare and only one lamp and then discovering the new bed in a bag I bought wasn't a bed in a bag but a comforter, some pillows and a bed skirt with I don't even need sense I always have my bed directly on the floor I just cried.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE our new home it was just awful I had no time to make my room feel like my room. 

I stayed up until 4am because I've made myself dependent on falling asleep to movies and I had to assemble the entertainment stand, plug in my new DVD/VHS player which is bliss and my new tv which is the nicest tv I've ever had but not one of those gaudy ones that takes up the entire room and requires a mortgage to own. 

I honestly can't even remember what movie I fell asleep to. I purchased both seasons of two broke girls even though I've seen them because that show rates high on my "I'm going to pee" scale. I watched that for a bit. Pretty sure I put in an actual movie, took 4 shots of vodka and passed out.

I got up early enough to set up my room in some fashion. Hung up photography and two pieces of art that were my grandmother's that I just love. Set up my desk, assembled a cabinet of sorts for my records and got to unpack them. Set up my bathroom a bit. 

Today's my last day of work for the week so hopefully I'll be able to get more accomplished. 

FINALLY got my hands on a copy of my beloved Melissa Gorga's book "Love, Italian style". I love it. It's about her marriage and although no ones put a ring on it yet I'm taking her advice. Look at the man she scored! 

After I finish Melissa Gorga's book it's on to Melissa Joan Hart's book. 

I'm...so...tired...

I'm so tired. I mean the kind of tired where you ache and everything seems funny and sad at the same time. 

All the days have blurred together... 

During this overnight double feature I managed to watch all of After Earth which was good but nothing worth getting fired up about. I'll admit I watched it for the sole purpose of watching Will Smith who I've had a solid crush on for a decade and his adorable, although freakishly thin son added to the movie. He looks like a malnourished mini Will Smith and is actually a pretty convincing actor. I do have to say Mr. Smith had it easy for this particular film. He basically say the whole time and the very most his character demanded of him was acting drugged due to space age pain killers. I loathe his wife and daughter (her stupid song about whipping her hair back and forth caused a paint massacre in my 4 year old preschool classroom that I'll never forgive!) so I tripple checked to make sure neither of them were in the movie. His wife is just so on obnoxious for having so very few accomplishments in her flash in the pan career. 

I also caught up on my inmate correspondence. For sending over a dozen different letters and to have only received 3 responses back (one of which was so poorly written I just couldn't bare to continue the penpalship...) is a bit baffling but the two I write to are very attractive and interesting. They're so thankful that someone wrote to them. One of the inmates I'm writing to's first letter made me cry. He said he hadn't heard his name called at mailcall in 3 years because he family gave up on him. 

Neither one has disclosed what ended them up in prison yet but they're in medium security prisons so it's unlikely they Mansoned anyone. 

People are always shocked I send letters to inmates. I guess because they committed a crime and got caught they're suppose to not exsist but I think most of us would be lying if we said we hadn't done something illegal and had the good fortune to not get caught. 

One hour to go and I get 4 hours of sleep to get up and go back to work. Does it bother me? No. I've never been much of a sleeper but it sure does mess with your time and day awareness. If Miley Cyrus' album hadn't come out yesterday I wouldn't have known today is Wednesday.

Today after my four hours of sleep I work 2-10 then get to go home and get a good night's sleep and I think I'll reward myself with a little vodka and coke.