I never fucked Wayne I never fucked Drake

The more I talk to men the more I like my birds.
Speaking of birds I finally got to take home this conure I had been visiting every time I went to my local pet store for the past 6 months.
He's adorable. He reminds me of my first cockatiel, Tila. Ridiculously affectionate, funny, cuddly, and just wants to be around me. I named him Olaf.
I've been talking to this 43 year old man and at first it seemed promising but as the weeks go by the potential for anything happening between us gets smaller and smaller.
I'm not an agest. But if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be a little more interested in a 28 year old who isn't a 2 who wants to bark up my tree than he is.
Although he doesn't look his age he has adopted some actions and behaviors that are that of someone even older than himself.
He's extremely set in his ways. He hates talking on the phone and when I do call him I feel like he's Linda Blair from the exorcist and I'm the priest throwing holy water at her. He acts tortured and almost as though it's a presentation he has to sit through.
He has no problem texting but the way he texts almost always leaves you wondering what he meant by it or requires clarification.
He doesn't act like he wants me. He acts like I'm a side dish he could take or leave. I'm so much more than that.
Where are the men who want to stand up and fight for the one they want? Who understand what dating means and isn't afraid to take that jump, roll those dice, take that risk?
As far as I can tell, they're gone and soon so will my will to keep looking.

At what point

At what point do you give up? 

I have 3 people who I'm on the precipice of giving up on but I don't know if that is the right thing to do or if my feeling negative because of their actions is enough. 

The fist? Someone I've gotten close to fast and know it's as if I've become an annoyance.  Whenever I talk to them there is always some excuse to not hang out or spend time together even though I was sure we were friends. 

The second? A boy I've had a crush on since middle school who persists I'm making more of our brief time together than should be. I haven't made any demands or applied any pressure. I haven't tried to pressure him into a definition of what we are or aren't. I just generally enjoyed his company and genuinely enjoyed his company. Nothing less, nothing more...and suddenly because I reach out and text him I've become some sort of codependent monster.   I'm not meant to have friends lovers or brothers and I'd get into that but there's way too many people who can't wait for me to say something about my twin so they can stir the pot.

I give up. 

Water and a flame

GODDAMN IT! I go to Target to get Céline Dion's new cd, find the perfect peacoat as mine, after several repairs became beyond redemption, and a soda and BAM! There's target guy ringing people out at the next register. So I say hi and get rung out and leave. Then I get a text: "way to walk right past me". Seriously, one minute you're interested the next you're not the next you are. Make up your mind. I don't understand games. 

But looking at him...my hormones betrayed my stoic logical resolve to cut ties. All I wanted to do was leap on top of his register's conveyor belt, rip all his clothes off and have my carnal I haven't had sex in 16 months way with him. 

I let him know he didn't have to worry about Saturday because a friend is going with me but if he can come he more than welcome to come. I guess I'll see how this plans out.

My gut tells me he's just going to jerk me around somemore (not in the way I would like to be) and not show.

My heart hopes he shows up, gets his act together and we could become something. I know how unlikely this is. He's a young 23 and has proven by things he has told me about his personal life like missing his bus back to jersey not once but twice because he couldn't get up. 

I don't want to babysit. 

What a shame

Today is my three month review for my job. Basically where you find how your superiors think you're doing and if you continue on the probationary path that everyone starts on or if you're a solid employee. 

I'm always nervous when things like this come about but after the staff meeting I'm nervous squared because that went in a completely unforeseeable direction. It will be what it will be. I'm going in confident knowing I've only made one mistake, I got 10 med points which most new hires get and from my correspondence with most of the people I've trained with that's a pretty low number. 

My allergies are hitting hardcore and I'd like to trade my head for someone else's. I ask again- are sinuses medically neccisariy?! 

And to add to the mixture and the theme of feeling unbalanced we're moving tomorrow or Thursday. I'm so excited but so nervous at the same time. I've spent all my 27 years in this house. I've been able to walk around in this house in total darkness since I can remember. Both wonderfully blissful moments beyond my wildest dreams have happened and some of the most terrifyingly tragic moments happened too. 

I think I feel better when all my belongings are in the new house and the fresh start begins. 

When I look back at this year it's all been a fresh start and a blessing. I'm over a year out of my cancer diagnosis and treatment, I've started a new rewarding career that has enabled me to make a difference and has given me time to reflect on myself, to do and want better for myself and now the last piece of the puzzle- getting out of Clifton Park and moving into a wonderful bigger new home. 

On the target guy front- I've thrown in the towel. I'm not interested in the chase and I need to stop thinking it's ok for me to beg for someone to want to spend time with me.

So my date for the SIRSY show- my last boss Rose. An unexpected and cherished friend I made at the last daycare I worked out. She gets me. She is fabulous and real and when I'm with her I just have the most wonderful time. Better I should have someone with me I care about who didn't even hesitate to say yes when I asked her than some 23 year old who can't get their shit together. 

A work in progress

So target guy and I are allegedly going on a date. Do I foresee this as a long term relationship? No. I honestly don't. I'm an old 27 and he's a young 23. But stranger things have happened right?  

I'm not an ageist (I say this as I'm no longer mixing my vodka with anything but taking straight shots from the bottle with a dr.pepper chaser) but you can just tell. I'm an old 27 because of what I've been through. No I don't mean the same emotional turmoil everyone experiences.  I'm talking about my cancer and if you think I'm beating a dead horse go get that diagnosis and tell me how much is affected your entire life and everything else. 

He's a young 23 because he hasn't had to deal with anything yet. And I hope he never does. I hope he can live the samecare free existence I did until I was slapped with that cinder block of reality.

There's so much I miss about my life before my diagnosis. I miss smoking. I miss thinking I'm invincible and life is a neverending map. I miss not having my mind plagued with all the what ifs. 

But now the what ifs have turned into so what's. So what if it comes back? If it comes back I'll throw in the towel and do what I want to do. Smoke again. Smoke pot again and live life until life, the hour glass it is runs out and be happy.

My worst fear is that with target guy he won't be able to handle or understand what happened to me. As expierence has proven most can't. 

I'm also worried he won't care for SIRSY. Which will be a deal breaker. But it will be what it will be and maybe I'll have sex for the first time in 16 months. 

I'm always going to be a changing and sometimes evolving person. And some days that turns out great and some days it's a royal mess. But I'll know when I've found Prince Charming when he accepts and wants that. Cancer or not. Damage or not. Evolution or devolution or not. Perfect or imperfect. 

Power

So things with target guy seem to be progressing. I was just about the blog about the lack of communication when he ups and calls me. 

It's ridiculously confusing but I guess all romantic possibilities are. He finally said things that would lead me to believe to the interest isn't one sided. And promises that he'll accompany me to the November 9th SIRSY concert. I'll believe it when it happens. If there's one thing I've learned from my expired cd with men is that you can't trust them or what they say until it happens. 

On the moving front apparently the people currently occupying the house we're suppose to move into have decided they're not ready to move yet which just about fucks everything up. Only by a few days but when you're moving and trying to get everything to align a few days can make a tremendous difference. But come shit hell or high water or with or without date I will be at that SIRSY show. 

I worked on a project I've been dying to do. I printed out my favorites from photography portfolio, bought two ugly pictures with beautiful frames, took the pictures out and removed the backing of the frames and hot glued finishing line in rows and hung all my photos from the fishing line. It looks wonderful. I won't lie, totally got the idea from Pinterest but I used my photography not drunken nights with my friends as the focus. They'll look beautiful in the new house. I'm going to work on getting new shots so I can make more. I've already made two. 

Here's hoping target guy amounts to more than just another ex to try and burn out of my mind. 

Just watch my wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you

The target guy saga continues. I deleted his number and all texts so I couldn't be tempted to communicate with him and he texts me. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't and part of me was hoping he would. 

We had a short conversation this morning, he's on a bus headed to Jersey. But everytime I mention November 9th, the date of the Sirsy concert that I wanted to be out first date I don't so much as get a response. 

So today I texted him again about the 9th, 2 hours later no response. So I texted him "if you don't want to go it's totally fine but let me know so I can find another date" and deleted his number again. The ball is in his court. And until I hear an answer one way or another about the 9th I'm done. I don't enjoy the chase, playing games and if that's what he's looking for he won't get it from me. 

I mean how hard is it to say yes or no? I don't understanding making someone chase after you or keep them hanging. It doesn't set a pretty image for any future you might have with that person and it just makes them look irresponsible and careless. He's cute for sure but no Justin Timberlake and if he fell in my lap there's a good chance someone else will who won't need to be begged to go on a date. 

Cat got your tongue

My week off begins. Although my management keeps referring to it as a vacation, last time I checked a vacion involves rest, not unpaid manual labor compromised of packin boxes and throwing away things...and some things you weren't aware you owned and aren't sure if they were living at one point. 

I had a fairly decent day if you subtract the packing. I got my year supply of contacts which I am just over the moon about it. 

On the man front I'm pretty sure I'm wasting my time with Target guy. The initial attention was nice but there's really no substance. 

Sirsy, my all time favorite band is having a show ridiculously close to my house and I invited him on a date. He doesn't drive as he is from the city so I offered to pick him up and I could be the designated driver considering I don't drink in public and I can't get a straight answer out of him (pun intended). But I just can't stop texting him, baiting him, and waiting for his replies. I need to give someone my phone and have them delete his number. 

I belong to no one

Love...what is it really? 

I'm 27 years old and I thought perhaps even know I was in love once. He was everything I could've asked for in a lover, a human being, a heart. 

We fell fast. He came from a different country and was plopped her, abandoned by the college who's foreign exchange student program he had enrolled in. 

I took care of him, probably in much the same way a wife takes care of her husband with the added task of helping him decipher American social inadequacies and idiosyncrasies. 

But it was love and it was pure. I felt safe in wrapped in his arms, content in a way I had never known or experienced sense waking up nestled in what Carrie Bradshaw would call his nook. And then it all came to a screeching halt. His parents became aware of our relationship  via a jealous female foreign exchange student from hong long who had been trolling the campus for 8 years unwilling to return to her home country who probably detested her presence as much as I did (I'll admit there were a few physical altercations, my most treasured when I ripped her hair extensions out leaving patches of bald spots and setting them ablaze in front of her face making it bluntly aware that if she reported any physical altercations to the cops she would promptly be deported). Apparently in Turkish culture it's not only an embarrassment but forbidden to be a homosexual.

Ever since then a few men have come and gone...they never lasted and I wasn't sure if it was my own doing. Some "I've had the best" complex or just my unwillingness to commit to face the same fate. 

They say love happens when you least expect it, it appears when you're least expecting it like the proverbial white stag. 

I stopped looking a long time ago. And then the possibility fell into my lap and as you can probably guess it amounted to as much as Kelly Rowland's solo career has. 

Elton John sang it best "I want love, but it's impossible". 

People try to tell me it's just as hard for straight people but they haven't taking a visit to the gay realm. A realm full of pretend realities, sheep dressed as wolves and men in search of the next drug they can shove up their nose or the next ass they can plow their wing wang in.