Love is just a dream

You'd think after all these years of being apart I'd be over him. It's been 7 years since I was engage to Barish. 

Once again I had a dream we were together and it was beautiful. It was so real, as if never went back to Germany, never stopped calling, never stopped loving me.

We were together at this church fair me and my family have gone to every year since I can remember looking through old records for my collection for our house. It was all so wonderfully perfect...guess that's what makes it a dream. I didn't want to wake up but, my beautiful dream, fragile as a butterfly's wing came crashing down when my boss called me to straighten out the schedule for the upcoming week. 

I'm so scared you only get one great love and I've had mine...

Or that I've had the best and nothing can compare. 

How many great loves...

As the picture would imply I've been on a Sex And The City binge. I still stand by the statement I made years ago while the show was still on, "Carrie Bradshaw taught me everything I need to know" but I can't help but put Ms. Bradshaw in the same category as Mr. Disney- people who gave me false expectations of what love is, could be, and what it really is or how it actually works. 

I've always loved Sex And The City. It makes me think instead of idle like most television shows. 

And Ms. Bradshaw proposed the question "how many great loves do you get?"  

For me, like Charlotte claimed, it's been two. Two great loves that like Ms. Bradshaw and Mr. Disney left me forever damaged on the journey to find the one great love that lasts. 

When you reflect on these "great loves" you remember the perfection of it all and lose any memory of the hard work it took you to get there. So when the next opportunity for love falls in your lap you expect it to just take off from where your great love left off and when it doesn't because it can't you cast them aside. 

So thank you Ms. Bradshaw, Mr. Disney, great love number one and great love number two. 

I belong to no one

Love...what is it really? 

I'm 27 years old and I thought perhaps even know I was in love once. He was everything I could've asked for in a lover, a human being, a heart. 

We fell fast. He came from a different country and was plopped her, abandoned by the college who's foreign exchange student program he had enrolled in. 

I took care of him, probably in much the same way a wife takes care of her husband with the added task of helping him decipher American social inadequacies and idiosyncrasies. 

But it was love and it was pure. I felt safe in wrapped in his arms, content in a way I had never known or experienced sense waking up nestled in what Carrie Bradshaw would call his nook. And then it all came to a screeching halt. His parents became aware of our relationship  via a jealous female foreign exchange student from hong long who had been trolling the campus for 8 years unwilling to return to her home country who probably detested her presence as much as I did (I'll admit there were a few physical altercations, my most treasured when I ripped her hair extensions out leaving patches of bald spots and setting them ablaze in front of her face making it bluntly aware that if she reported any physical altercations to the cops she would promptly be deported). Apparently in Turkish culture it's not only an embarrassment but forbidden to be a homosexual.

Ever since then a few men have come and gone...they never lasted and I wasn't sure if it was my own doing. Some "I've had the best" complex or just my unwillingness to commit to face the same fate. 

They say love happens when you least expect it, it appears when you're least expecting it like the proverbial white stag. 

I stopped looking a long time ago. And then the possibility fell into my lap and as you can probably guess it amounted to as much as Kelly Rowland's solo career has. 

Elton John sang it best "I want love, but it's impossible". 

People try to tell me it's just as hard for straight people but they haven't taking a visit to the gay realm. A realm full of pretend realities, sheep dressed as wolves and men in search of the next drug they can shove up their nose or the next ass they can plow their wing wang in.