What a shame

Today is my three month review for my job. Basically where you find how your superiors think you're doing and if you continue on the probationary path that everyone starts on or if you're a solid employee. 

I'm always nervous when things like this come about but after the staff meeting I'm nervous squared because that went in a completely unforeseeable direction. It will be what it will be. I'm going in confident knowing I've only made one mistake, I got 10 med points which most new hires get and from my correspondence with most of the people I've trained with that's a pretty low number. 

My allergies are hitting hardcore and I'd like to trade my head for someone else's. I ask again- are sinuses medically neccisariy?! 

And to add to the mixture and the theme of feeling unbalanced we're moving tomorrow or Thursday. I'm so excited but so nervous at the same time. I've spent all my 27 years in this house. I've been able to walk around in this house in total darkness since I can remember. Both wonderfully blissful moments beyond my wildest dreams have happened and some of the most terrifyingly tragic moments happened too. 

I think I feel better when all my belongings are in the new house and the fresh start begins. 

When I look back at this year it's all been a fresh start and a blessing. I'm over a year out of my cancer diagnosis and treatment, I've started a new rewarding career that has enabled me to make a difference and has given me time to reflect on myself, to do and want better for myself and now the last piece of the puzzle- getting out of Clifton Park and moving into a wonderful bigger new home. 

On the target guy front- I've thrown in the towel. I'm not interested in the chase and I need to stop thinking it's ok for me to beg for someone to want to spend time with me.

So my date for the SIRSY show- my last boss Rose. An unexpected and cherished friend I made at the last daycare I worked out. She gets me. She is fabulous and real and when I'm with her I just have the most wonderful time. Better I should have someone with me I care about who didn't even hesitate to say yes when I asked her than some 23 year old who can't get their shit together. 

There's a killer in my corner

Finally had our staff meeting today that was supposed to have happened several times previous today and what I thought would happen was exactly what I thought would. 

After months of doing EXACTLY what I'm suppose to be doing and going above and beyond the job description and continuously cleaning and recleaning other co-workers messes and in some cases being the only cleaning anything we sit down at the staff meeting and the finger pointing begins...as predicted, in my direction. 

I was thrown for so many unforeseen loops that it was as if I had vertigo again. Discussions that were taking place about me behind my back, an employee given permission to not clean because apparently one day I let a pan in the sink, and so on and so forth. 

I was gobsmacked. Not because the tables had turned on me because being the newest staff I'm the easiest target and it's the most predictable of predictable actions in these situations, but by the boldly outrageous lies. 

I thought I had left this behind with the daycare buisness but apparently it's all the same with just better benefits.

Once again I've been slapped in the face for doing my job my well and after this happening so many times in the past you'd think I'd realize doing subpar work garners the least amount of attention, positive or negative. 

There really was no true resolution at the end of the staff meeting, other than my resolution to transfer the very day I can when there is an opening at another site I want to be a part of. 

So in answer to my repeated questions- how many people does it take to empty a dishwasher? Just 1 and more specifically me. Who's duty is it as a team member to maintain the cleanliness of my consumer's dwelling? You guessed it! Mine. 

Well I have from Tuesday to Sunday off. Let's see how everything looks when I come back. Probably the same want always does when I'm not working- like a bomb went off. 

Once again I'm in a position where it all falls to me. Yippeeee!

I wish that I could have this moment 4 life....wait...no I don't

I wish at a job interview people would be truthful about what the job actually is. But the. Again I guess that would require the applicant to also be truthful about themselves. 

I have a HUGE problem with taking things personal and I'm sensitive to the point of an exposed nerve. I've tried to work on this for years to no avail.

It has made people take me less seriously and consider any feelings I have to be erratic.

But I'll never understand why in the professional world good accomplishments are ignored, unnoticed, or erased in favor of negative ones. 

It makes you want to do less. It makes you want to coast and to not go above and beyond.

And it seems like when you do rise above or do more than is asked or make any extra effort you put a spot light on yourself and people just can't wait to tear you down so they can continue performing subpar. 

And after all these years with more than my fair share of occupations you'd think I'd learn by now that doing anything extra or going above and beyond only gets you gone.

Guess this is what happens when you're raised by a good mother who give you good morals and work ethic. 

Don't rain on my parade

I set up an achievement board for the man with disabilities I'm working with. He has been doing so well lately and been working so hard I want led to implement something so he could focus on those good choices and achievements, even when he has a rough day. He loved the idea and is just in love with the board and can't wait to show his house guests and other important people to him all he's accomplished.

So since we just started this yesterday I thought I'd type and explication of what it is what we're doing it and how they can participate. 

I typed it up and taped it to the front of the communication log we are suppose to write in about the day. I figured this would be the most effective way for everyone to see it  

I come in a bit early today to relieve my co-worker who I know has a family and I just start putting my things down to do turn over and this coworker starts screaming at me about how I posted it on the front of the communication binder and because of that it took him 20 minutes to find the communication binder. And when I mean yelling I mean yelling.

I'm kinda taken aback and can't help but blurt out "it's the only binder kept out in the living area and it's the only bright green binder we have which you can see with or without my explanation on it.

I don't know why they tell you when someone is enraged to keep a calm voice because this seemed to only enrage this employee more. They persisted on yelling at me trying to get me to admit I've comited some horrible sin again where I work so I said calmly "I'm not going to be yelled at" and walked in the office to start turn over thinking it was over.

Well the employee took my explanation and he other explanation I posted and ripped them into pieces, threw them in the garbage and left slamming the door. 

Dung turn over they storms back in and yell "can I talk to you for minute". I said sure once I'm done. I finished and they locked the door continuing to tell at me close enough to my face that I wish I had my pepper spray on me. I guess after they realized I wasn't goin to say I didn't anything wrong they finally actually left. 

I was shocked. And quite shaken but was worse was th brunt of this verbal abuse took place in front of the man I support. He was equally terrified and it basically ruined th whole day.

You try to do something nice, to add to these people's lives and you winde up with people who clearly are only there for the paycheck.

I'm In this line of work to make a difference. Not quibble over paper and have a toddler like tantrum over it. 

I seriously can't wait for the staff meeting. I'm letting it all out and not apologizing.