Pig, pig!I've been everywhere that you've beenNow I've got nothing to lose and everything to win

I feel so betrayed by my family.
I'm laying here wondering what the point of this life is.
Is it to leave good impressions with people?
Is it to abandon everything you believe in to keep people in your life?
Is it to trust and keep on trusting only to find out you've been lied to each and every time?
I lay here wondering what's the difference between living and dying in front of these people.
I can say, honestly and without reservation that if it weren't for my birds I'd seriously consider the methods of suicide I researched on again and off again.
If getting help of my own accord and working on that help and actually changing only to have nothing else and no one else change what's the point?
I thought about the train tracks where I live before I got Olaf. But for some reason the trains around my home go incredibly slow so I think I'd choose sleeping pills.
But this sweet little bird along with Odette keep me going. Their love doesn't waiver based on their other children or grandchildren. Or because I'm simply seeking and apology from someone who wronged me.
I'm just always going to be wrong unless I'm silent and void of emotion.
Hopefully Olaf and Odette stay around for a long time or I find a man where I can have a fresh start and get out from under the opinions and ill wishing of people who are suppose to be closest to me.

I don't accept

Having a twin, at least in my experience is like a really awful surprise party. The kind where none of you actual friends show up, they're serving food you can't even imagine ingesting and everyone got you the same present but no one has the gift receipt. In other words, it sucks completely and totally, in my experience. 

If you didn't know I am an identical twin.  You wouldn't know it by looking at or speaking to either one of us. Not only, now is it as if we're not related but from different planets. 

Perhaps I'd feel differently if we were anything alike but that would be like asking Ariel and Shrek to share a tent for a week.  I'm sure you can figure out who Ariel is in the scenario. 

People are always shocked when I remember to tell them I'm a twin and one if the first things ask me is are we alike? I always reply no, nothing alike in fact. Not even in how we're built.  Then I inevitably get tortured with some story about some pair of twins that they know that are inseparable and what a shame it is.

Well I can't help the fact we are completely and totally opposites. I did try to like him and to get him to like me for a long time but his approval would cost complete and total self abandonment which isn't worth it, especially if you're converting it to dollar amounts.

Besides, why is it such a shame. You'd be telling me that's completely normal if we weren't twins. And the more people you have in your personal life to witness or even be second party to your life the more likely you are to be betrayed.  Especially by someone who is allegedly "part" of you who puts himself on a pedestal so high god has to look down on him.  

He sends me a text this morning or last night, not sure which but he, albeit politely ranted and raved about how much it bothered him.that I wrote what I wrote for anyone to see and how he has "loyal" friends who look out for him (probably wasn't his friends at all but that's neither here nor there anymore).  Well when I politely texted back it's my place to vent and if he'd kindly stop treating me like an underling in person I'd have nothing to write about.  Well he didn't get the response he wanted so his texts quickly became a slightly higher form of cave man grunts with insults every dozen grunts or so.

I maintain that family is not a right its earned and you can't treat someone less than they deserve and expect not to atone for it in some way.  

Shadow

You never know who people really are. And you never will. I'm at an impass. My voice has been heard but my words have not been understood. 

I'm suppose to allow allowance for everyone else and be held accountable for the way I am. 

I'm suppose to want to have relationships with people who are incapable of caring about me and I'm suppose to be ok with the fact that they can't care...but I ask you... What's the point?

Is there a point to having people in your life who can't care about you or allegedly do but can't tell you and won't be there when you need them because they aren't "good at that kind of stuff". 

This blog, along with the others will likely be copied, linked, and dissected like the others. For what reason? I couldn't tell you. It seems to be the only way to attract any kind of reaction from the family members who couldn't be there when I was sick but don't miss one typed word. And cleverly omit anything I say that could be constrewed as positive. 

I'll say it once more. I'm hurt.  I lost the trust and love of a niece I adored from the day she was born and although I apologized for my explosion that was fueled by the collective abandonment during my sickness that should've have been adressed directly the pot continues to be stirred and I feel like I'm feeding hungry hiyenas every time I express anything I feel. 

No one wants a foreseeable end or resolution. Just more low rent tabloid fotter. 

No one will be happy until I fade away into nothing but a shadow

Just when I thought it was over

Just when I thought the family fued was coming to a close my other niece throws a deliberate jab in my direction. 

I'm sick of it all. I had the foolish hope that everything was quiet and would soon turn to normal but can't expect anything from family that never really has been. 

At this point I've reached a point of indifference. All they want to do, all they've ever wanted to do is hurt or judge me and I'm done.  I'm not going to associate with a pious over indulged teenager and self centered young woman who want. Toning but the worst for me. I heard the quote once and it just seems so appropriate for this situation "you hang around garbage long enough, you start to smell".

I'm done. No white flag has been raised because I don't surrender. They hurt me and refused to own it. They dropped the ball time and time again and refuse to admit that. Well i refuse to open my heart to two tarnished black souls who are incapable of understanding humanity or family or what family entails. 

The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. I'm indifferent. They don't exsist. They're gone in my mind until they mature to a point where they can admit how very wrong they've been and continue to be. 

I'm not wasting any time or effort or heartache on people who think this all some game. 

I had fucking cancer. You weren't there. Period. You're the lowlifes in this situation no matter what your mother tells you. Grow up. 

In the land of gods and monsters

My life is in turmoil. Or at least the kind of turmoil that is superficial because its family related. 

I think we all have family issues in one way or another. Mine is no greater than anyone else's. I'm not being raped by a stepfather, being beat by a theoretical biological father, carrying the zygote of a step brother or any other lifetime movie worthy dramatics. 

Just your standard Real Housewives Of New Jersey feud where the semantics, facts, figures, and score keeping are more muddled than a 3 year old's frantic finger painting that amounted to a mess of colors so fervently mixed together they now resemble shit, not the intended masterpiece. 

It all started over a year ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. Yes, cancer- at the ripe old age of 26. 

Aside from the implied mental tornado and physical breakdowns before and after the diagnosis and the mental explosion before and after the surgery to remove part of my tongue and before and after the radiation treatment, the other half of my clinically termed immediate family completely and totally abandoned me. 

I couldn't eat or speak for 5 months post radiation. I was locked inside my head and body, my body which was slowly disappearing with each passing day. Needless to say this would drive anyone to the brink of insanity.

And to make matters worse all the people I thought were friends took the same train out of John Town leaving me completely and totally alone and forcing me even deeper down into the dead creature I was becoming. 

The friends I got over quickly. The family I couldn't. I did a fairly good job of masking this, plastering on a fake smile faker than Joan Rivers' face. 

But this week I finally exploded and let a mushroom cloud of emotions and hatred that had been contained far too long leaving a trail of disaster worse than hurricane sandy and the tsunami combined. 

And here I am, alone, with no one to talk to, no unbiased confidant who can smack me down a few pegs and make me face the vile actions I committed and support the actions that were well within my rights. 

I don't know what to do. I've run out of answers, excuses, rationalizations, and sorries. 

I was wrong and out of line as far as many of my typed defenses were concerned but I don't want to muster up the humility and maturity to admit this to them when they will never admit that they abandoned me and what's worse aren't in the very least sorry.

A war has been waged, lines have been drawn and no white flag will be raised, at least on my side. 

And even if they were capable of reaching way down beneath the layers of stone, concrete, and steal to find the humility and maturity to admit it and own it I don't know if I could ever look at them the same way or even as family. 

Angelina Jolie said it best when she said "family isn't a right, it's earned". And they weren't ever interested in earning anything, especially from me.