It keeps getting better

I started my day by getting in some of my community service hours in and I have to say I'm really enjoying it.  I'm around mostly older women who think I'm "fabulous" and even though I'm not earning any dollar amount for my work it feels good to be giving back and to have the opportunity to give back. 

In my life I've taken a lot.  I'm not just talking about material things or shoplifting. I've taken a lot of people for granted including myself and I've made some really bad choices that probably wouldn't have been as bad if they didn't affect the people I care about most.

and I guess I never really had the opportunity to make it right or understood how to but this community service has given me that opportunity. 

If you've read my past few blog posts you'll note the underlying theme of family frustration and in venting and ranting I've been able to think and reflect a lot.  It's one thing when your thoughts are in your head.  It's a whole different story when they are in print right in front of your face.  

Why should my twin like me? I've forced him to work harder by getting fired (or in this latest issue of John ducks up monthly, got arrested) or losing my job.  And if I haven't given myself the chance to be a better person, to give myself some community service as it were, all he has seen is the bad parts of me.  That's all I've let a lot of family see of me.  I can't blame them for that.  That's my fault. I felt like they thought I was just a fuck up and on a subconscious and conscious level I just figured that's what I was suppose to be.  I never listened when I'd royally screw up time and time again, taking anything they (my family) said as further condemnation instead of sage advice.  I was defensive with them like I was with the people in the outside world because I had learned long ago that people are 9 times out of 10 going to be cruel and unkind and was apply the same rules to the very people who were there each and every time I fucked up.  

And my extended family- instead of being rational and telling them I felt I let it build up inside of me instead of giving them a chance to explain so I could understand.  That wasn't their fault that was mine and now I've caused seemingly irreparable damage with my youngest niece who I'd throw myself in fro t of a bus or a bullet for for the sake of what? Screaming and yelling like a toddler until I got to hear what I wanted to hear? I wouldn't want to be around me either.

In a strange way I'm happy this mess happened. I've learned a lot and I don't think if this had happened I would have. I would've continued down the both destructive and self destructive path I've been traveling since almost birth.

but in the words of the great Cher you can't the our back time.  I just have to keep pushing forward, making an effort and giving people something good to see for a change.

A.R.C J.O.K.E

The arc, wwhere I use to work is a total joke. How they can say they have the best intentions for the people they're "responsible" for and treat like human beings instead of animals or retards is beyond me. No wonder my mother never trusted my sister to one of these organizations. 

I was told when I was put on "extended administrative leave" was that they'd prefer I didn't talk with the guy I directly supported. Well given I ACTUALLY got to know him I knew if he didn't hear it from me that I wouldn't be working with him anymore (. Without the specifics) he would think either it was his fault

Or I didn't care about him or both. So I decided

To call him. The ignorant trashy douche who was my assistant manager tried to tell me I couldn't and I was like um pretty sure you can't control how he uses his phone. so she said call back in 15 minutes so i can call one of the superiors. So while she was busy trying to find a way to control his phone usage and by proxy treating him like a child I called the justice center which is like social services but for adults with disabilities.  They said not only did she not have the right to deny him a phone call but it constitued abuse. Needless to say i gladly gave them her first and last name and called back and told her what they said and i got to talk to him. I told him due to things beyond everyones control i couldnt work with him anymore.  It wasnt his fault, we were still friends, and he could call me anytime...all the while my former trashy assitant manager was swearing and cursing me out in the background....and im the one on leave.

well today i found a preschool i can totally give my heart and soul to and as long as i do well on my second interview thursday i have the job. They are even going to help me get my cda renewed.

things are starting to look up.

Alien

Well my job, the ARC, where I was ttaking care of one adult with disabilities decided to let me go. I was beyond shocked. It was as if someone had squeezed all the air out of my lungs and flipped my stomach inside out while simultaneously pulling it through my rectum. 

Regardless of the judge's ruling the ARC decided there was still some degree of risk that I would take something from the gentlemen I work with because I was accused of but not charged with or found guilty of petty larceny. And regardless of the fact that there wasn't so much as penny missing from his money, a pill out of place, in fact if anything I gave him so many things. 

I'm technically not "fired", they continued my unpaid administrative leave for 6 more months. Probably as a shrewd attempt to try and prevent me from collecting unemployment but I know I'll be able to and hopefully I won't even need to cross that bridge. 

Will I go back in 6 months?  Most likely not. I don't function well with hypocrisy, especially when it's so flagrant. I should have just stayed in daycare. Same results as so many schools I 

Worked at. 

I said to the second highest superior who was totally in my corner and advocated for me that I just can't wrap my mind around the decision for the mere fact that all the work I've done with the gentleman I've worked with will be unraveled and I won't even be able to let him know it wasn't my decision to not work with him anymore. 

But I'm moving on. My passion has always been working with children and perhaps this was the universe's way of telling me it's time to move on. To move back to what is my passion and my truth

It’s just you and me Sometimes it feels like there’s three of us in here baby So I, wait for you to call And I try to act natural have you been thinking ’bout her or about me And while I wait I put on my perfume, yeah I want it all over you I gotta mark my territory I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfum

I woke up at 5 am for no reason. Well probably because the fate of my employment is still hanging in the balance. The choice seems pretty cut and dry . It was exsponged. I still don't have a record because I wasn't convicted of crime why there is still a question as to whether or not I should still be employed there I have no idea. The lawyer and even the judge couldn't understand why my current place of employment would consider terminating me as what I was charged with isn't remotely related to my profession and I was acquitted of it. 

BIt I'm not worry about anymore. I already have one preschool interested in me and another preschool interview today. 

Speaking of interested in me a guy I grew up with who I had a crush on from middle school all the way through college is interested in me.I would have never dreamed in a million years that he'd pop up in my okcupid feed as a match. Hes exactly what ive been looking for. Open mminded, artistic, spiritual and intelligent. I'm coming from a place of yes. I just want to see where it goes and enjoy his company. It will go in whatever direction it goes and I'm happy for that.

Time goes by so slowly

Here I sit at home completely useless. 

I met with the lawyer this morning. He thinks it will either get thrown out or reduced to disorderly conduct because I didn't steal enough to actually be charged with petty larceny. 

This may or may not work to my favor as far as my job is concerned. I spoke to one of my superiors today and still get the feeling that they've made up their minds. He did suggest I send an email to the woman who ultimately decides my fate and I did. She really wouldn't listen to what I had to say at the initial meeting so maybe my email will have some impact. 

I just feel so lost. It just seems like the good actions I take never out way when you make one had decision. 

I'm more or less resolved to the fact that my job is part of my past. I've started sending out applications and résumés. 

Mama I'm in love with a criminal/THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

I'm a criminal. 

Last night I made the worst decision of my life. I shoplifted and got caught and subsequently arrested. 

It was an out of body expierence. I begged the man at the store not to call the police, I explained that I'm recovering from cancer and have next to no money thanks to my medical bills and only stole out of necessity and that it didn't excuse my actions but he wasn't hearing any of it. 

He called the state troopers. Luckily the trooper who arrested me was ridiculously nice and understanding. He even said to me, before he cuffed me "you're not going to pose a threat, I can tell you're a good person, so I'll cuff you in front." 

But now my world has spiraled out of control and I have no one to blame but myself. 

My job was alerted to the arrest and now I'm on unpaid administrative leave pending the outcome of the case and once again I've become a burden to my family. 

Luckily we have a lawyer and he thinks he can get it reduced to disorderly conduct but my job will most likely fire me. Something I'm starting to become use to. 

Honestly is a mistake in so many ways. I get a call from one of the higher ups that he got the alert. I was completely honest but now because one of the things I stole was medication for my allergies I can't afford they're questioning if I'd steal from the adult with disabilities I work with if I needed medication that badly. 

Don't they think if I were going to do that I would have?