HE JUMPED SHIP!

I done know if any of what I'm going to write here because my brain has been jelly lately and I don't proof read let alone go back and reread my entries unless I'm trying to find a particular something I wrote because someone either didn't understand it or claimed I wrote something different. BUT I got some new friends for my Betta fish, Gandalf. Well not friends exactly. I originally got a blue mystery snail to put in the tank 

Because every other snail I've had has been ssomewhat fascinating to watch and quite active and because they eat algae and clean up the tank. Well the blue mystery snail I got is ridiculously boring. So I got a gold mystery snail which I had before and named him Saurmon like the previous one I had and he's as exciting as a snail can get. He gets himself into some pretty ridiculous positions that he seems to enjoy. He's pictured up at the top. He resembles a big booger but a cute big booger. 

Then I got 3 African dwarf frogs. I originally got one but it just hid all the time and I read online they're more comfortable in pairs so I got two more. Still really boring unless you happen to wake up during the night, then they're zipping around. 

Well because they hide they're hard to find in the tank during the day. So for the past two days I could only find two. Well this morning I got up ridiculously early and there were two zipping around so now I'm pretty sure one jumped ship, or the aquarium as it were. I'm dreading finding it considering they are completely aquatic and he will basically be a dried up flat frog. 

Oh the joys of having an aquarium. 

weird

It's so strange to be In a new house/home. It just hit me now. Albeit I'm a bit tipsy from several vodka shots but as I came upstairs to my floor of the new house with left over apple pie clasped tightly in my hand with a heavy amount of whipped topping. 

I stopped by the house I grew up in for no other than purpose than to see if my law and order svu season 13 was still there. It was strange. I had spent my entire life in that house. And all that was left was the debris of a life that was left behind. I didn't and still haven't located my season 13 of law and order svu but it hit me. This is no longer your home. My former room lay bare and cold. Empty except the items I discarded and my betta fish, Falcore who didn't survive the move and memories. Memories everywhere. The first boy I had over. The first boyfriend who slept over. The 5 months I spent bed ridden from cancer, isolated in one spot, discarded and forgotten by so many. 

I don't think I'd have a moment but I did. The pain, the pleasure,  the good and the bad. It was all there before me. But I'm not sad. I didn't cry which even surprised myself because I can cry at the drop of a hat. 

This new home feels right. And in many ways has helped with my healing process of the biological and mental terrorist that cancer was. That and the years of torment Clifton Park served. It was time to move on long ago. 

Of course there are ghosts that will follow you no matter where you go. But they are lessened here. I'm not coming home to the room that turned into a cell of sorts. 

My upcoming court case is of course weighing heavily on my mind and sole but not for my sake but the sake of my family. But even with that there are so many opportunities before me that there is tangible hope within reach. 

All I want for christmas....is apparently nothing I actually want

I'm on the precipice of losing my job and starting another, I'm completely penniles, got screwed of by Ben son's pet center again for a position there because the manager was too lazy to look at my over qualified resume and the mere fact that I've shopped there since I was 4 (so much for supporting local businesses. I'm stopping that practice right now) and I'm amidst frantic shoppers surrounded by amazing deals that I can't partake in. It's quite depressing. 

I rread thought this would be the Christmas where I could finally get my family nice gifts and something nice for myself but alas once again I'll be the tool bag who can't get anyone anything. Maybe I'll be in the spirit after my court date and when my job decides if I'm being terminated or not. Until then consider me scrooge. 

Happy thanksgiving or as like to call it the beginning of the end for the Native Americans

Happy Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it the beginning of the end for the Native Americans.
I'll be spending this Thanksgiving in our new home. I love it. I've never really cared for going out on Thanksgiving. Where ever we would go it would be crowded and I'd run into at least a baker's dozen of ignorant people who, although it's a holiday would still find ways to make fun of me or openly yell slurs in my direction.
My court date got postponed. It will be next Wednesday. I'd say this gives me another week to worry about it but I'm not worried anymore. It will be what it will be and my lawyer is confident it will be ex sponged.
That and besides the dreadful water testing company I've been working for I have 2 interviews for preschools and a pet store just in case my job decides to terminate me regardless of what the court says.
I WILL CLARIFY AGAIN I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY JOB for the mere fact that you never know who is going to read what you put out into the universe and I know my fair share of people who would twist whatever I say for their own personal gain or to just cause drama because it feeds their empty lives.
In aquarium news (which I'm pretty sure no one cares about! Lol! But I find it fascinating) I got 2 more African dwarf frogs to keep Gimli company. Unfortunately I can no longer tell which one is Gimli anymore because they're identical but they all seem much more content with more than one frog in the tank. I've also added a golden mystery snail which is the type of snail I had before when I had that godforsaken goldfish tank and they murdered him. His name was Saurmon so this snail will also be named Saurmon. The blue mystery snail is ridiculously content sitting in one spot and exceedingly boring but Saurmon is much more active.
I've finally made a new friend. We met by happenstance. I was leaving to go to one of the water testing job's functions and she happened to be getting out of her car at the same time. She introduced herself and I invited her over and she's just simply lovely. We have so much in common it's ridiculous.
The first time she came over we took turns playing vinyl and just talking. It was bliss.
I've been so wound up with the move and my job I may or may not get fired from because of how time consuming it is and it was just nice to let my hair down and finally open up to someone.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

I go back to black

The day after tomorrow I face the first part of my fate. Who knows what the court will decide and if what they decide will have any effect on the decision of whether or not I get to keep my job.
Today I went to the new job I got just in case I do get fired and while I had fun at the training the job itself is impossible.
My income is completely dependant on making 10 house visits a week to test their water. If I don't test 10 people's houses in a week I get paid nothing. I'm going to continue with the training and hopefully I either won't get fired or I'll get hired at this daycare I applied to who wants to interview me December 8th. Or the pet store I applied to will hired me. It's only part time but it's better than not knowing if you're going to make a paycheck each week.
I got Gandalf, my betta fish, some companions today. I got an aquatic mystery snail (why they call it a mystery snail I have no clue) and an African dwarf frog. I named the frog Gimli. Although I don't have much faith in his survival. Maybe he needs time to acclimate but I always get nervous when they won't eat. The snail, who remains nameless will have plenty to eat between the algae wafers I have and the algae that will accumulate in the tank.
I also had to get a new heater because the other heater I was using that was labeled "up to five gallons" really didn't seem to make the water warm. I returned two betta heaters I had, the afromentioned one and another one I had to get a really nice one where you set the temperature. It's set at 80 degrees and has finally reached that and Gandalf is quite peppy again.
When he first noticed the snail and Gimli it was hysterical. He just kept staring at them, would poke them and then stare at them again.
He certainly is the strangest betta I've ever had. He likes to go over to the filter and wrap himself around it and let it such on him. He also likes to lay on the fake plants.
I managed to a new friend and she lives across the street. I met her on my way to my new job today as I was getting into my car and she's coming over tomorrow. We both collect vinyl. I'm very excited to have someone over who I can share things with. I do hope we become close.
My faith may be wavering but I'm not beating myself up about it anymore. I did what I did. It's just the waiting that makes me feel like I'm going back to black.

Don't be insecure

It's another day but one day closer to my court day where my fate will be decided in more ways than one.
I know society expects someone who has done something unequivocally wrong to beat themselves up about it, to beg for forgiveness and commit other various acts of self loathing but I'm done with that portion of this experience.
I'm owning it and have owned it and there's nothing left to do but dust myself off and head in the right, well no, a better direction. No one can define "the right" path anymore than someone can define normal. It's all relative and completely subjective and no two people are working with the same variables.
I want to keep my job but yesterday I realized with a lot of help from a new book I've started reading, a place of yes by Bethenny Frankel, that I need to be realistic and start looking for a new job just in case. I am deserving of a job regardless of my actions.
I have a promising lead and probable interview for a local preschool and submitted an application to another local preschool establishment.
Today is my older brother's birthday and they're celebrating here and it will be awkward considering my current predicament but I'm coming from a place of yes and I'm not repenting anymore. 

Too much of nothing

Another day has gone bye and I feel more and more useless with each passing hour. I went on a job interview today and I got the job but we figured out it's probably a scam. Let me just clarify I'm only looking for other jobs in the event that where I currently work does choose to fire me.
I've applied to just about every ad on Craigslist that I think I'm even slightly capable of doing but to no avail.
I just feel deep down that no matter what the result of the court case they are going to terminate me and I can't waste time being unemployed.