Phil Robertson

How anyone can think that this man expressing his hatred and misguided interpretations of the bible is beyond me.  I'm seeing all these memes and graphics on Facebook of people proclaiming they support his right to state his opinion or worse, comparing him to our president as if that's even possible. 

If anyone else had made the remarks regarding black people or homosexuals we, as a nation would be after them with pitch forks and torches. Is it because this man is clearly a red neck white piece of trash that it's OK and we don't expect anything more?  

We will condemn Miley Cyrus for twerking and acting in a suggestive manner but it's OK for this inbred to say racially insensitive things and to condemn homosexuals? 

Martin Luther King Jr would be turning his grave.  Does this person have the right to express and assert his opinion? Absolutely. But his not above criticism and condemnation.   If I had openly said on my Facebook all fat people are disgusting and do it to themselves I wouldn't hear the end of it.  I don't feel that way.  I was born naturally thin and have never had to watch my weight.  But I would face a never ending stream of condemnation and hatred.  

This person, I won't say man because a real man doesn't need to judge others to be one, deserves the same fate.  Heaven forbid a "human" suffer the consequences of his statements when he is on a tv show of such high quality and cultural importance...

Do I as a homosexual hate him? No.  I wouldn't expect anything less.  What I don't understand is people defending him like he's the Pope or some one else of mass influence. He's from a show about white trash that makes duck whistles.

Yes we all have the right to freedom of speech.  But we all face the same fate and repercussions of saying whatever we feel whenever we feel.

At what point

At what point do you give up? 

I have 3 people who I'm on the precipice of giving up on but I don't know if that is the right thing to do or if my feeling negative because of their actions is enough. 

The fist? Someone I've gotten close to fast and know it's as if I've become an annoyance.  Whenever I talk to them there is always some excuse to not hang out or spend time together even though I was sure we were friends. 

The second? A boy I've had a crush on since middle school who persists I'm making more of our brief time together than should be. I haven't made any demands or applied any pressure. I haven't tried to pressure him into a definition of what we are or aren't. I just generally enjoyed his company and genuinely enjoyed his company. Nothing less, nothing more...and suddenly because I reach out and text him I've become some sort of codependent monster.   I'm not meant to have friends lovers or brothers and I'd get into that but there's way too many people who can't wait for me to say something about my twin so they can stir the pot.

I give up. 

Gold

I'm slowly losing faith in this daycare I got hired at but have yet to start.  It's the first daycare I've ever gotten a job offer where you don't get hired and start the next day while you're waiting for your clearances to go through.  And with my clearances always take longer than most because I'm a male and haven't lived in a million different houses. 

Who knows. Maybe this time it will be quicker. But if I don't start by the end of the next week I'm going to have to start look for a new job which would be a shame because I REALLY want to work at this preschool. 

My community service is going well. I'm working with a great group of people and have been able to dress a few mannequins and change some of the store around. It restores my faith in people a little bit.

I'm always quite thrilled because my capcap came in the mail today. 

If you know me I refuse to drink water out of anything other than a nalgene bottle.  Well I recently purchased the brand new 48oz wide mouth bottle nalgene came out with.  It really makes a huge difference.  If I drink two full bottles out of this bottle I've more than reached my daily intake. But because it's a wide mouth even with the splash guard I still get the occasional crotch spill which makes it look as though I wet myself. Well the capcap screws on to the top of the wide mouth bottle and make it have a smaller opening. I love it. Completely genius. And I'm still swooning over my zerowater pitcher.  

All this time

Why hello 3 am. I and haven't missed you.  But thankfully law order svu is on and I remembered to fill my zerowater pitcher before I went to bed. 

Had an interesting day yesterday.  It took me forever to get to captain's treasures and for the first time ever I fish tailed and hit a yield sign. It wasn't that alarming.  What was alarming was that I counted 12

cars that passed me and didn't even hesistate to help me. I ended up getting unstuck. 

My drive  slightly more entertaining. I drove slowly and cautiously and every moron

who had an suv or a truck passed me like i was mentally challenged.

then.I'm maybe ten minutes from my house and there is an 18 wheeler almost on it's side and a cop crazily trying to perform magic to get it to stop and stopped all the other 18 wheelers that, judging from their facial expressions had been there for a while. And just when i was mimutes away i got stuck at the train tracks as the never ending train passed by at a snail's pase. 

It was fun at captains treasures. The day was slow. Well here's hoping i can go back to sleep.

It keeps getting better

I started my day by getting in some of my community service hours in and I have to say I'm really enjoying it.  I'm around mostly older women who think I'm "fabulous" and even though I'm not earning any dollar amount for my work it feels good to be giving back and to have the opportunity to give back. 

In my life I've taken a lot.  I'm not just talking about material things or shoplifting. I've taken a lot of people for granted including myself and I've made some really bad choices that probably wouldn't have been as bad if they didn't affect the people I care about most.

and I guess I never really had the opportunity to make it right or understood how to but this community service has given me that opportunity. 

If you've read my past few blog posts you'll note the underlying theme of family frustration and in venting and ranting I've been able to think and reflect a lot.  It's one thing when your thoughts are in your head.  It's a whole different story when they are in print right in front of your face.  

Why should my twin like me? I've forced him to work harder by getting fired (or in this latest issue of John ducks up monthly, got arrested) or losing my job.  And if I haven't given myself the chance to be a better person, to give myself some community service as it were, all he has seen is the bad parts of me.  That's all I've let a lot of family see of me.  I can't blame them for that.  That's my fault. I felt like they thought I was just a fuck up and on a subconscious and conscious level I just figured that's what I was suppose to be.  I never listened when I'd royally screw up time and time again, taking anything they (my family) said as further condemnation instead of sage advice.  I was defensive with them like I was with the people in the outside world because I had learned long ago that people are 9 times out of 10 going to be cruel and unkind and was apply the same rules to the very people who were there each and every time I fucked up.  

And my extended family- instead of being rational and telling them I felt I let it build up inside of me instead of giving them a chance to explain so I could understand.  That wasn't their fault that was mine and now I've caused seemingly irreparable damage with my youngest niece who I'd throw myself in fro t of a bus or a bullet for for the sake of what? Screaming and yelling like a toddler until I got to hear what I wanted to hear? I wouldn't want to be around me either.

In a strange way I'm happy this mess happened. I've learned a lot and I don't think if this had happened I would have. I would've continued down the both destructive and self destructive path I've been traveling since almost birth.

but in the words of the great Cher you can't the our back time.  I just have to keep pushing forward, making an effort and giving people something good to see for a change.

separate yourself

I adore this quote. This is exactly what I'm doing for many reasons I'd for another reason that the total lack of understanding where my family is concerned. 

My family believes I shouldn't write about my life since it's intertwined with their's. I disagree. Especially when certain family members believe they can treat others however they want because the individual treated them poorly when they were a child. 

I don't feel I have a family or at least by society's definition. 

I have a mother who completely and total supports me, even when I'm neck deep in shit and totally wrong. The rest? People waiting on the sidelines with a magnifying glass for me to make the slightest mistake so they can revel in my mistake. That does not a family make. 

And I'm not saying everyone in my family is like this but at this current juncture in my life most of my family has either chosen to completely turn their back to me and tolerate my presence for my mother's sake or are just pretending to enjoy my company for the same reason. 

Then you have two specific family members who have my mother on speed dial every time I write something in my blog or on Facebook that they don't like or feel that can get me in some sort of middle school trouble. 

My twin for example. And believe me, I use twin solely in the genetic terms. He can't wait for me to fuck up again so he can use it to his advantage to reaffirm his "squeaky" clean reputation which isn't that squeaky if you do a very light digging. He can't wait for the next moment he can judge me or prove that I'm worthless. But what's truly worthless in my opinion is his existence in my life. 

My mother asked me what am I going to do this Christmas? I said I have books and enough acting lessons to make anyone think I'm happy. I'll just keep quiet, keep my nose down and try to go ignored. At this point I don't want retribution or pity or understanding. I just want to be left alone. I'm happy with the new direction I'm moving in and my definition of success.  I don't need their approval on any level. 

It's as if the world has lost their minds and think because you happen to be blood related you owe those relatives something.

I'm making strides. No one wants to see or support them. Or believe them.  So what use do we have for each other? 

I'm breaking the cycle.  I know I can be a good person and I don't owe it to any of them.  My success hasn't been celebrated by anyone but my mother and I've come to the conclusion I might as well not even mention my twin since he's hardly my brother in any sense of the word and no one would guess we're related. There no since in acknowledging someone 

I don't accept

Having a twin, at least in my experience is like a really awful surprise party. The kind where none of you actual friends show up, they're serving food you can't even imagine ingesting and everyone got you the same present but no one has the gift receipt. In other words, it sucks completely and totally, in my experience. 

If you didn't know I am an identical twin.  You wouldn't know it by looking at or speaking to either one of us. Not only, now is it as if we're not related but from different planets. 

Perhaps I'd feel differently if we were anything alike but that would be like asking Ariel and Shrek to share a tent for a week.  I'm sure you can figure out who Ariel is in the scenario. 

People are always shocked when I remember to tell them I'm a twin and one if the first things ask me is are we alike? I always reply no, nothing alike in fact. Not even in how we're built.  Then I inevitably get tortured with some story about some pair of twins that they know that are inseparable and what a shame it is.

Well I can't help the fact we are completely and totally opposites. I did try to like him and to get him to like me for a long time but his approval would cost complete and total self abandonment which isn't worth it, especially if you're converting it to dollar amounts.

Besides, why is it such a shame. You'd be telling me that's completely normal if we weren't twins. And the more people you have in your personal life to witness or even be second party to your life the more likely you are to be betrayed.  Especially by someone who is allegedly "part" of you who puts himself on a pedestal so high god has to look down on him.  

He sends me a text this morning or last night, not sure which but he, albeit politely ranted and raved about how much it bothered him.that I wrote what I wrote for anyone to see and how he has "loyal" friends who look out for him (probably wasn't his friends at all but that's neither here nor there anymore).  Well when I politely texted back it's my place to vent and if he'd kindly stop treating me like an underling in person I'd have nothing to write about.  Well he didn't get the response he wanted so his texts quickly became a slightly higher form of cave man grunts with insults every dozen grunts or so.

I maintain that family is not a right its earned and you can't treat someone less than they deserve and expect not to atone for it in some way.