I feel good, I walk alone But then I trip by myself and I fall I, I stand up, and then I'm okay But then you print that shit That makes me want to scream

The job hunt continues. I went all over Clifton Park and basically no one is hiring. I did find a few day care establishments who are looking to hire and my resume will show I'm more than qualified for any position than may have.
Let me clarify I'm only looking for a job in the event that I get terminated. I can't wait for a grenade to explode in my lap before I take action and do what's best for me.
I've received a shocking amount of support from fellow coworkers that means more than words can express. Especially considering I did something unquestionably wrong even if it wasn't out of malicious intent or frivolity.
Well all except one. One coworker who I thought I had developed a close relationship with who is telling people she just thinks I'm going to be terminated. It's really disappointing. Especially when no one can have anyway to predict the outcome. I'll admit that I feel I don't deserve sympathy but I know I don't deserve disrespect or to aid anyone in gossip mongering.
We live in a world where we've lost all sense of humanity.

" You can’t have my heart
And you won't use my mind but
Do what you want (with my body)
Do what you want with my body
You can’t stop my voice cause
You don't own my life but
Do what you want (with my body)
Do what you want (with my body)"

Hello darkness, my old friend

Today I have a job interview for some water testing compan. I'm kind of just resolved to the fact that the out come of my case will not affect my current job standings and I don't have time to waste.

Needless to say I'm not looking forward to the interview or even the job although water safety has always been one of my geeky interests. 

And to make matters worse y mother and I ended up havin a blow up argument last night that wasn't fair to her. I just kind of exploded out all the things that are wrong I. Her direction so this morning is awkward. 

You know me! When a situation is at it's absolute worst I always manage to find a way to make it worse!

It's times like these I truly wish I were a vampire. They can goto sleep for 50 years. Right now would be an excellent time to start a 50 year nap. 

I wrote an email to the woman essentially in charge of my fate at my current place of employment (I think I'm repeating myself) but I received no response and she doesn't seem like the kind of person who let's emotion get in the way of her decisions. This is why I feel as though my fate is sealed. 

But who knows what this interview at this water testing establishment could bring. Maybe untold opportunities? Maybe a higher pay rate? And it's right in town so I'd save on gas and it's full time. 

At the very least if I get hired it will be nice to have income while I'm waiting to hear back from my other job. 

Clearly I want the job I have back. Technically I haven't lost it, I'm on administrative leave. And I suppose it plays to my favor that they didn't just fire me right out the gate although they could've just done that as a way to avoid legal issues later on. 

I wish I knew if it was legal to fire someone if they are charged with a lesser crime in court that has nothing to do with their job and the crime it's self didn't take place while working and hasn't happened any other time during your employment. Guess I'll find out after thanksgiving. Nothing like waiting on the chopping block. 

After the interview I'll probably come home and just go back to bed. 

I don't feel like doing anything else. And I'm pretty much useless. I've sent out my resume to a bunch of place and preschools to no avail. 

Perhaps I'll continue my job search. 

Time goes by so slowly

Here I sit at home completely useless. 

I met with the lawyer this morning. He thinks it will either get thrown out or reduced to disorderly conduct because I didn't steal enough to actually be charged with petty larceny. 

This may or may not work to my favor as far as my job is concerned. I spoke to one of my superiors today and still get the feeling that they've made up their minds. He did suggest I send an email to the woman who ultimately decides my fate and I did. She really wouldn't listen to what I had to say at the initial meeting so maybe my email will have some impact. 

I just feel so lost. It just seems like the good actions I take never out way when you make one had decision. 

I'm more or less resolved to the fact that my job is part of my past. I've started sending out applications and résumés. 

Suddenly the Koons is me

Here I am out in the unknown again. The actual grey area. If this were the neverending story I'd be in the center of the nothing. 

I spend more time here than I do I'm reality. 

I feel so displaced. Probably because I am. Sadly I'm getting use to not having a constant job that feels like home. 

Ever since I got fried from Brite Beginings years ago I've never allowed myself to get completely comfortable. Each day would feel like my first that way if the shit hit the fan the detachment would be just a hair easier. 

I'm not terminated from my job...yet. They said it all depends on what happens in court but I truthfully told them what I did and even if the lawyer gets the charges reduced they will still know what I actually did and probably terminate me anyways. 

I'll be devastated but not shocked. I did something wrong and stupid and with that comes a price. But I've become so close to the adult with disabilities I support and made so much progress with him it will all have been for nothing. 

In these situations people always tell you to think positive. I think reality. I'm not going to set myself up for disappointment or hope for the next to impossible. 

The worst part of this all is the waiting. Waiting to find out if the charges can be reduced that day or if there will be another court date. The waiting to find out what I will be charged with and the waiting to find out if my future at my job is now the past. 

Thanksgiving should be a blast. My mother has been supportive but my mother said I should stay away from him because he's furious with me. 

I just want to disappear. 

Mama I'm in love with a criminal/THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

I'm a criminal. 

Last night I made the worst decision of my life. I shoplifted and got caught and subsequently arrested. 

It was an out of body expierence. I begged the man at the store not to call the police, I explained that I'm recovering from cancer and have next to no money thanks to my medical bills and only stole out of necessity and that it didn't excuse my actions but he wasn't hearing any of it. 

He called the state troopers. Luckily the trooper who arrested me was ridiculously nice and understanding. He even said to me, before he cuffed me "you're not going to pose a threat, I can tell you're a good person, so I'll cuff you in front." 

But now my world has spiraled out of control and I have no one to blame but myself. 

My job was alerted to the arrest and now I'm on unpaid administrative leave pending the outcome of the case and once again I've become a burden to my family. 

Luckily we have a lawyer and he thinks he can get it reduced to disorderly conduct but my job will most likely fire me. Something I'm starting to become use to. 

Honestly is a mistake in so many ways. I get a call from one of the higher ups that he got the alert. I was completely honest but now because one of the things I stole was medication for my allergies I can't afford they're questioning if I'd steal from the adult with disabilities I work with if I needed medication that badly. 

Don't they think if I were going to do that I would have?  

 

Birds are a girls best friend

One of my favorite songs of all time is People by Barbra Streisand (if you're reading this and don't know me Babs is my be all to end all...and I may or may not wear a necklace of her around my neck...) but one lyric that always gets me is "people, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world". 

I've never found truth in that lyric. 

My best friend is quite small. She weighs a pound soaking wet, and has feathers. Her name is Effie. 

Effie is a cockatiel. We had a rough start. 

I acquired Effie right before I couldn't speak from the radiation. She had been neglected and abused by the pet store I had gotten her from.

I had wanted another cockatiel when my beloved Tila passed away. She was the birds of all birds. She was ridiculously tame and I had her for 6 years. To make a long sorrowful story short Tila held on until after I had the operation to remove a portion of my tongue to get the cancerous tumor. We knew her death was coming as she had started laying eggs for no reason at alarming rate and got egg bound (an egg had gotten stuck and at that point there's virtually nothing that anyone can do)

Then I got Effie. A few days after I got her I could no longer speak as the entire inside of my mouth was burned and I had to hold what is called Magic Mouthwash in my mouth all day with every kind of numbing agent available in it. That and I was on every kind of pain killer and sedation drug one could be prescribed. 

Everyday for 5 months I'd go over to Effie's open cage and try to coax her out to no avail. I knew she wouldn't be anything like Tila. Tila was use to be handled and surrounded by people before I got her. But I had no idea I had acquired a larger version of parakeet. 

But everyday I'd get up and just sit next to her cage. Door open, just like with Tila because I believe if you're going to own a bird it shouldn't be in a cage unless it's absolutely neccisiairy. Just at bed time. 

She made no attempts to leave her cage and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. 

But for 5 months I'd go over to her cage and towards the end of my forced 5 month silence I thought to myself "this fucking bird! I rescue her and she won't even fly around the room!"  This is where her name came from, Effie. 

There were so many things I was looking forward to that I had done with my beloved Tila. Like teaching her to fly because they clip their wings. Teaching Tila to fly is still one of my fondest memories. The day she finally got the hang of it I never felt prouder. 

But much like myself Effie had to do it all on her own. 

Well one day I had taken one too many pain killers and began vomiting. And naturally when you're vomiting you can't hold anything in your mouth. It was threw this accidental mini overdose that I discovered I didn't need the magic mouth wash. My mouth was no longer a constant fire ball. So I said the same thing I said when my tongue healed. "Hello". And in that very moment Effie flew out of her cage and landed on my shoulder and has tried to stay there ever since...even when I have to go to work.

Effie and I are a lot alike. We don't trust or love a lot of people and emotion and touching and just about everything has to be on our terms. But we love each other. Just exactly for who we are.

I'll never forget coming home from my first day back at the hellish daycare I worked at. It had been a horrible day. They gave me no time to adjust, treated me as if I was good as new and I wasn't. Saying some words was still hard as I hadn't used my tongue for almost half a year. I was weak. They didn't care. Now if I had been pregnant I wouldn't have gotten treated like a porcelain doll of extreme value but last time I checked pregnancy usually isn't terminal and may be painful but usually just uncomfortable and doesn't hold a candle to the hell I went through. 

I sat on my bed and just cried. Effie flew out of her cage, sat next to me, looked up at me with those warm black eyes and said "hello?".  She hopped up on my shoulder and nuzzled me.

This small winged creature has been more humane to me than 99% of the people I've come across. 

She's my best friend. I love her unconditionally and she me. If it hadn't been for her friendship and company during my recovery from the treatment and easing back into the world I don't know if I would've made it. Effie and my mom have always loved me and been there for me. Something no one else has ever done or even tried to. 

It's been a long time since I came around Been a long time but I'm back in town This time I'm not leaving without you

It's been a while since my last blog...or at least it feels that way. 

The target guy saga is officially over. I knew through the course of conversations he was a very young 23...more like 23 going on 16. An honest assessment. But I truly thought we'd be able to communicate on some intellectual level. 

Last night he called me. I don't know how we got on the subject but we started talking about Lady Gaga. And I had said "when someone says to me Lady Gaga dresses crazy" I automatically figure they have no intellectual capability to understand or at the very least respect art. 

He flew off the handle in the most toddler-like fashion throwing a tantrum saying I can't judge other people's opinion if they don't like Lady Gaga. I tried multiple times to clarify that that wasn't my point. I didn't even say that. That my point was when people make that statement they are incapable of understanding what she is trying to do and that her outfits are art. 

Well he cotinued calling me names and yelling over me and then began attacking my art, my photography. Which I had made a point not to show him as most people don't take te time to let the visual in front of them process before they come to a conclusion but apparently he had creeped my Instagram or Facebook. 

I have a focus on a different definition of beauty and more specifically beauty in death. 

Well as he's trying to tear my art apart I'm thinking in my head "isn't he doing what he says I can't do?" 

Well after his limited vocabulary ran out of vulgarities he hung up on me. And that's that. 

In reaction to this on a more general scale I finally bought myself a fleshlight. No I no longer need a man of any kind unless they fall directly in my lap.