I'm...so...tired...

I'm so tired. I mean the kind of tired where you ache and everything seems funny and sad at the same time. 

All the days have blurred together... 

During this overnight double feature I managed to watch all of After Earth which was good but nothing worth getting fired up about. I'll admit I watched it for the sole purpose of watching Will Smith who I've had a solid crush on for a decade and his adorable, although freakishly thin son added to the movie. He looks like a malnourished mini Will Smith and is actually a pretty convincing actor. I do have to say Mr. Smith had it easy for this particular film. He basically say the whole time and the very most his character demanded of him was acting drugged due to space age pain killers. I loathe his wife and daughter (her stupid song about whipping her hair back and forth caused a paint massacre in my 4 year old preschool classroom that I'll never forgive!) so I tripple checked to make sure neither of them were in the movie. His wife is just so on obnoxious for having so very few accomplishments in her flash in the pan career. 

I also caught up on my inmate correspondence. For sending over a dozen different letters and to have only received 3 responses back (one of which was so poorly written I just couldn't bare to continue the penpalship...) is a bit baffling but the two I write to are very attractive and interesting. They're so thankful that someone wrote to them. One of the inmates I'm writing to's first letter made me cry. He said he hadn't heard his name called at mailcall in 3 years because he family gave up on him. 

Neither one has disclosed what ended them up in prison yet but they're in medium security prisons so it's unlikely they Mansoned anyone. 

People are always shocked I send letters to inmates. I guess because they committed a crime and got caught they're suppose to not exsist but I think most of us would be lying if we said we hadn't done something illegal and had the good fortune to not get caught. 

One hour to go and I get 4 hours of sleep to get up and go back to work. Does it bother me? No. I've never been much of a sleeper but it sure does mess with your time and day awareness. If Miley Cyrus' album hadn't come out yesterday I wouldn't have known today is Wednesday.

Today after my four hours of sleep I work 2-10 then get to go home and get a good night's sleep and I think I'll reward myself with a little vodka and coke. 

You're right she can't be tamed and she won't stop

I was checking the billboard music site to see if they had posted anything about the projected sales of Miley's new album and if soundscan had any information on how many hard copies were purchased today as the deluxe version is number 1 and the standard edition is number 9 respectively on iTunes. 

Well I was more than pissed that the ONLY article I could find was about how her first attempt at a breakaway from Hannah Montanna failed and why. I've been saying this all along (& at times screaming this at the television). 

It enraged me. Mainly because the article mentioned her last album, Can't Be Tamed (the album the subject of her first attempt and subsequent failure at trying to distance herself from Hannah Montanna) in passing glossing over why it failed so they could tear apart her new album. 

It failed as a breakaway album because it was too close to her finishing Hannah Montanna and she had just turned 18. Her main audience, the Tweens of the universe who when I was younger dictated what was going on in music, but now have only mild influence over who makes the big leagues. Most teens and young adults weren't buying her music. And young adults my age at the time who were almost on the other side of being able to enjoy Hannah Montanna when it premiered were starting to move on. 

I and a few co-workers didn't. We still watched the show, went to the movie (that I subsequently got kicked out of for being ridiculously drunk and offended too many parents with my musical outburts [they kicked me out but I managed to get back in within minutes by putting my sunglasses and sweatshirt on in the bathroom...missed maybe 5 minutes and my friend at the time wadded up my sweatshirt and stuffed it in my face everytime a song would come on so I wouldn't get kicked out twice]) and just enjoyed her because we were preschool teachers and our kids were obsessed with her, oblivious to the franchise's extinguishing flame and we were all just glad to have an actress/singer who didn't sing abou fruit or abcs. 

But like with most anything if the majority didn't see it happen or didn't buy it it didn't happen.

So a divide is created. Adults, oblivious to their children's interests and oblivious to the fact that Hannah Montana was over and had been over are suddenly outraged as if this "shocking" "new" Miley was in fact new and this crossover to a more young adult/adult audience just came out of the blue to serve one purpose- destroy their children's already rotted and perverted drug taking minds. 

Then there's people like me who saw the progression slowly happening. 

And the journalist's review was just ridiculous. Reading it you could tell their only intention from the mention of a new album was to rip it apart whether or not the actual album was good. 

Why does every music artist have to be some "understated" (but somehow smothered in the media) "artist" trying to make some impact, some dent in the musical universe. 

Why can't we have albums and music artists who make music that is just fun to listen to? 

Is the album jaw droppingly awesome? No. And believe me, this pop whore extraordinaire knows deliciously hollow and vapid pop when he hears it.

They are 4 songs that are quite solid, 2 of which have already been made singles and it seems to me like there is a lot of filler. But I think this can be attributed to the fact this is her first noticed attempt at trying to enter the adult music scene. You can clearly tell she's finding her sound and if she had kept it in the style of We Can't Stop I think it would have been a (what i like to call) "let it play" album.  Overall I enjoy it. But it's not a throw away album.

Yes she's controversial, yes she's shocking but this is what I love about her because this is what I love about me. 

And- too all the oblivious 40 something's and up out there MDMA/ Molly isn't new, teens and young adults have been taking it for decades. I took it in college a few times. Wasn't my gig. I'm already a highly strung person and don't need a pill to fan that flame, with the added euphoria or not. And Madonna named an album after it last year and Justin Timberlake sings about it on his new album. It's time to let it go. Because both her and i won't stop. 

Absence

I've been up since three and need to be up for work at seven to work until 2pm to go back to work at 8 pm to work to 8am to come home and go to bed until 1pm and then go back to work from 2pm to 10pm. ...when people say they're working like a whore...I don't think a whore has to work that long or do half as much as I do. 

We finally heard back and we got the house in Mechanicville. I'm beyond excited. I'm ready to leave Clifton Park behind and embrace a true new beginning in an actual neighborhood. 

I've been designing my rooms (yes rooms, I have the entire second floor to myself complete with balcony) since we first saw the house and I have a wonderful artpiece in mind. I won't give it away though in case it doesn't pan out. 

Yesterday we went shopping for the new house. It was fun but equally exhausting to packing. 

I found shelves that I think will hold my entire vinyl collection so I can actually get to them. 

I got a new DVD/VHS player since mine bit the dust (still resisting bluray) and a new tv. My old one will go in my entertainment room.

Found these fabulously gay bathroom accessories and a pink fuzzy toilet seat cover and matching bathroom rug and some art. 

I tried, once again to actually speak to my niece considering the entire fued has taken place online to no avail. It just has to be let go. I so badly want to share the joy of the new house and have her come over but I can't get through. But when I think back to when I was her age I wasn't easily forgiving either. I truly hope this will come to pass and things will go back to the way they were. 

An inmate wrote to me out of the blue. Apparently his cell mate suggested he write to me but I don't know which of the inmates I'm writing to is his cell mate.

His letter had an approach I hadn't encountered yet. After the usual introductions and pleasantries he directed me to his Facebook so I could see what he looked like.

I did and was completely and totally blown away. This man is gorgeous. He hinted at the possibility of wanting more than a penpal but can one truly love someone or get to know someone well enough through letters? 

I wrote him back, happening upon some Johnny Cash stamps at the post office which I found to be a cute pun. 

We shall see if he writes back. 

No I'm not dilussional. I'm not going to go drive to his prison and have a wedding. I'm just lonley and when you're as lonley as I am because so many have turned their back on you conversing with people in a similar but clearlydifferently shaped boat doesn't make it seem so bad. Lord knows I've done my fair share of things in my past that easily could have gotten me arrested.

Well I'm off to start a day that won't end for two. 

Love is just a dream

You'd think after all these years of being apart I'd be over him. It's been 7 years since I was engage to Barish. 

Once again I had a dream we were together and it was beautiful. It was so real, as if never went back to Germany, never stopped calling, never stopped loving me.

We were together at this church fair me and my family have gone to every year since I can remember looking through old records for my collection for our house. It was all so wonderfully perfect...guess that's what makes it a dream. I didn't want to wake up but, my beautiful dream, fragile as a butterfly's wing came crashing down when my boss called me to straighten out the schedule for the upcoming week. 

I'm so scared you only get one great love and I've had mine...

Or that I've had the best and nothing can compare. 

Family is not what I thought it would be

I can honestly say family has never come first to me until I lost my last teaching job ( my Mom has always comes first, whether or not she sees/knows that). 

I don't know if it's something that wasn't wired into me or if it's because I was taught and retaught time and time again that you need to look out for yourself first because danger, real danger, lurkes around every corner and it caused me to only think of myself. Or if I'm just innately cold and selfish.

You would think cancer would have done the trick in making me realize how important family is but it didn't. I was isolated and the only person I saw doing anything for me was my mother. I was unaware of the things going on behind the scenes because I was bedridden and drugged up to the point where I was surprised I could move.

But when I lost my job and my family, my imidiate family (twin brother and mother) picked up the slack I realized how much I was putting on them and how important I really must be for them to strain themselves and work harder to make up for my unfortunate situation. 

This, slowly, propelled me to start making the right decisions for everyone in my family not just me...especially considering there's a small chance my cancer could come back. 

I guess that's why I find this situation with my extended family (my older brother, sister in law, and two nices [who I refer to now as my extended family due to the actions that have occurred or haven't occurred in the past year or so]) so frustrating and deeply wounding. 

Everyone keeps saying it will pass. Yes, it will pass like the last time my youngest niece viscously attacked me...they'll act like it never happened and everyone will move on...no one will heal...it will just go ignored with nothing learned and nothing gained. And I can't accept that. 

If that's how this mess is handled like all the others they may feel fine but this hurt will not go away. 

Family comes first for me now...and it has for my imidiate family forever and I just hope it truly will matter to my extended family as well. 

I wish that I could have this moment 4 life....wait...no I don't

I wish at a job interview people would be truthful about what the job actually is. But the. Again I guess that would require the applicant to also be truthful about themselves. 

I have a HUGE problem with taking things personal and I'm sensitive to the point of an exposed nerve. I've tried to work on this for years to no avail.

It has made people take me less seriously and consider any feelings I have to be erratic.

But I'll never understand why in the professional world good accomplishments are ignored, unnoticed, or erased in favor of negative ones. 

It makes you want to do less. It makes you want to coast and to not go above and beyond.

And it seems like when you do rise above or do more than is asked or make any extra effort you put a spot light on yourself and people just can't wait to tear you down so they can continue performing subpar. 

And after all these years with more than my fair share of occupations you'd think I'd learn by now that doing anything extra or going above and beyond only gets you gone.

Guess this is what happens when you're raised by a good mother who give you good morals and work ethic. 

Don't rain on my parade

I set up an achievement board for the man with disabilities I'm working with. He has been doing so well lately and been working so hard I want led to implement something so he could focus on those good choices and achievements, even when he has a rough day. He loved the idea and is just in love with the board and can't wait to show his house guests and other important people to him all he's accomplished.

So since we just started this yesterday I thought I'd type and explication of what it is what we're doing it and how they can participate. 

I typed it up and taped it to the front of the communication log we are suppose to write in about the day. I figured this would be the most effective way for everyone to see it  

I come in a bit early today to relieve my co-worker who I know has a family and I just start putting my things down to do turn over and this coworker starts screaming at me about how I posted it on the front of the communication binder and because of that it took him 20 minutes to find the communication binder. And when I mean yelling I mean yelling.

I'm kinda taken aback and can't help but blurt out "it's the only binder kept out in the living area and it's the only bright green binder we have which you can see with or without my explanation on it.

I don't know why they tell you when someone is enraged to keep a calm voice because this seemed to only enrage this employee more. They persisted on yelling at me trying to get me to admit I've comited some horrible sin again where I work so I said calmly "I'm not going to be yelled at" and walked in the office to start turn over thinking it was over.

Well the employee took my explanation and he other explanation I posted and ripped them into pieces, threw them in the garbage and left slamming the door. 

Dung turn over they storms back in and yell "can I talk to you for minute". I said sure once I'm done. I finished and they locked the door continuing to tell at me close enough to my face that I wish I had my pepper spray on me. I guess after they realized I wasn't goin to say I didn't anything wrong they finally actually left. 

I was shocked. And quite shaken but was worse was th brunt of this verbal abuse took place in front of the man I support. He was equally terrified and it basically ruined th whole day.

You try to do something nice, to add to these people's lives and you winde up with people who clearly are only there for the paycheck.

I'm In this line of work to make a difference. Not quibble over paper and have a toddler like tantrum over it. 

I seriously can't wait for the staff meeting. I'm letting it all out and not apologizing.